Contemplation


English Bay Aug 31 049

Much has been going on in this head of mine, in this life of mine, though it seems oddly muted. I’ve been focused on securing a position with another company and I may have succeeded. Next Monday I will be going for a second interview.  Always a good thing if they want to see you again.

And I’m at peace with the rest of it.

I’ve not been able to grow in the position I’m currently in.  I realized that for more than two years I’ve been fighting, defending the job that I am doing.  But why?  And what came to mind was that I was never able to actually do the job I was hired to do.  The partners simply wanted to dictate to me how they wanted it done.

And you see, that doesn’t quite cut it with me.  Hire someone to manage but don’t allow them the freedom to do so?  Redundancy is expensive.

Today at the interview I went to, I felt that spark that I’ve not felt in a good long while. The challenge was laid out, however subtly, the seed planted.

He wants someone who will roll up their sleeves and make certain things happen. He found his candidate for the job.  Just let me do it.

And while he spoke of some of the job costing and tracking they would like to get a handle on, visions of spreadsheets danced in my head.

I like working. I really do.  But I need to feel that what I’m contributing is valid and useful.  Over the past few years I’ve found myself in the hamster wheel running as if the fires of hell have been biting at me behind.

Then I realized I was in some strange version of hell.  When the chains bind to the point that new thoughts and ideas of any kind are quickly extinguished, frowned upon. Painful.

The rest of the ‘hurt’ feelings that I am experiencing are simply ego driven.

It is that echo from a lifetime to the person who sought out and lived for praise and acknowledgement, desperately so.

In the last year my enthusiasm has diminished so much.  Then again, every cruel word spoken was like a poisoned barb that stung feeding the resentment, feeding the mistrust.

And all of this while the effects and treatment of cancer raged through me.

Time to surrender the past to where it belongs and move forward to the life the beckons.  And what I see, ah, it is so good!

It is time to embrace it.  Let it fill my every being.

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It is my hope that I can report back to you that I’ve secured a new position before leaving the old.

And all the emotions that have been roiling about.

To those of you at my work place who’ve pushed me each day, if I could tell you how many times I’ve felt discarded, worthless and unimportant in my life…would it matter.  Probably not.  If I could tell you the fear I felt over the last year, would you understand?

There has been a push on to have a host of things done immediately.  There is a panic on their end. I can feel it.

If they hire someone to replace me upon my absence, I assure you this.  I will sue them.

Now understand this is not out of spite. I know I need to be gone from there. Should I get this position on Monday I will be deliriously happy, but you know, where does it end?

Can you continually treat people like pond scum and not expect repercussions?

I’ve been tormenting over this.  The unfairness.  The disregard. The manipulation.  Oh, they want me go to quietly into that good night.  A hearty handshake and a kick in the ass like so many before me.

There is a part of me that just wants to walk away.  There is a part of me, however, that insists should they breach this ‘parting’ and bring another in…

Well, it’s wrongful dismissal then, isn’t is? And I have it in writing. I’m tired of being treated as ‘less than’.  Nobody should be treated in that manner.  Ever.

And that is why I will take legal action should they breach the conditions of my termination.  And it really isn’t an emotional thing, though it feels as such.  It is, in my mind, a human thing.  A respect thing.  An honour thing.

So you build the best building in the world?  If you’re and asshole, all you’ll have to carry the memory of your life are buildings that will one day crumble.

I would prefer to be remembered for what was in my heart, for the smile on my face, for the time I held a stranger close or was spellbound by a sunrise or sunset.

June 21, 2014 646

The genius of erecting a building, well, I’ve never seen anything built in our firm that took my breath away.  They are very good at what they do. I will not deny this.

Understand that this is the artist in me.  The romantic in me that speaks.

Bodiam Castle sits with a moat around it and provides visions from Arthurian Legends. Built in 1385 it still stands today in East Sussex, England.

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I’ve only seen photos, but to me…this is architecture…this is legend.

In 1,000 years will the concrete and glass structures the firm I work for still be standing?  Will any of what we’ve built remain?

Don’t know.

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But these words that I write, well yes, in a 1,000 years they could well still exist now couldn’t they?  But will they be understood?

It’s a tough call.

My point is simple really.  Why, in God’s name, can we not treat each other with respect.  Why, particularly in the work place, can employees not be given the dignity they deserve.

Employers may be surprised at the productivity they induce by treating those they hire with respect and decency.

And beyond this, I just want to expand. I’m not perfect.  In fact, perfection is a myth.  Perfection is an ideal.  Yet it is a marketing tool.

I can guarantee you that I will continue to make mistakes in this life.  Hopefully their severity will be minimal and they will be of the garden variety.

As I drove through the night, many things passing through this head of mine.  Trying to process, trying to validate and lay to rest so many thing.

‘Runaway Train’ filtered over the radio and I found myself tearing up. The past yet again haunting.  (See link to video below)

Will I ever break free of the pain?

Much to be done in the next while.  I won’t take myself to task for feeling what I do.  It only make me that much more human.

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And as dawn breaks I will throw my arms open in surrender  to the beauty of a new day and give thanks to the life source that infuses me, to the air, the earth, the trees, the ground, to the horse that stands beside me always.  And mostly I will dedicate this heart to be loving and forgiving in all our undertakings.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Universe Has Spoken – A Uterusless Year


 

June 21, 2014 646

Last evening I sat finishing up at the engineer’s office having maintained his accounting records on a part-time basis for the last six years, I let my mind wander.  Prior to that I had worked full-time there for five years.

I gazed out the window.  A beautiful summer evening beckoned beyond the confines of the office.

There used to be a spectacular view when first James’ moved the office over to 4th Ave. and Main Street here in Vancouver.  An unimpeded and often breathtaking vista of Vancouver’s mountains made working in an area that was still largely industrial and not particularly attractive just shine a little brighter.

Eleven years ago I can recall going out and taking pictures of the first snow that fell on the mountains when we moved to this location.

It looked as though icing sugar had been liberally sprinkled over the whole of them.  It was so beautiful.

Tonight as I sat gazing at the view that no longer exists, trying to figure out what my fog induced brain had done a few months back, I just felt sad.

The race to develop the area after the Olympics graced our fair city is still underway.  Many of the buildings that have been erected are not particularly attractive.  Densification is the key word these days.  Not that the area was stellar to look at before, but I’d hoped that it would look better than what it does at the moment.  Each building’s footprint maximizes the space allowable to build upon in everyway.

The view really doesn’t exist any longer.  Oh you can see a bit of the mountains, but not like a few years ago.

I leaned back in my chair. It’s been a brutal week.  A lot of tears.  A lot of unexpected turn of events.

I thought back to that first run in I had with John.  He is one of partners at the architectural firm I work at, so yes, one of my boss’.

I wondered why it is I end up in these positions.  It seems like subconsciously I ignore those little red flags that go up.

No, I wait until the universe slaps me around a little and says ‘Get you ass oughta there!”  Even then, as I assure the universe that I will do just that after I do this, this and that, I often find I get kicked to the curb.

The universe has indeed spoken and I really need to listen to it better.

I was ‘warned’ when I started in this job just over five years ago by my predecessor.

When Raymond quit not even a year later, I saw ‘The Wrath of John’ in action for the first time.  It would not be the last.

I should have begun the hunt to get out four years ago after that display.

But I was convinced that I could make a difference and do the job and do if fabulously.

In the beginning I was tenacious.  Why I thought I needed to prove it to myself, I don’t know.   And I should know better by now.

Then there is this thing about timing.

I was getting healthy in everyway for the first time really in my life.  It was a tough period as I was finally tackling some of the deepest issues that have always plagued me.

It was strange.

I was trying desperately to break out of the hell I’d created in another hell I’d accepted.  And all the while the mask went on every morning.

The competent and self-assured accountant / office manager headed off into the wilds of the business world wanting to make sense of it, and trying to play the corporate chess match with effect.

And when that condemning eye of John’s fell to me and the verbal assaults began, did I stop him in his tracks right at the beginning?

No.  I tried to suck it up and be a ‘man’ about it.  After all this was just business, yes?

It continued for months.  The woman who had gone in prepared to run the place with notions of smooth efficiency began to sink.

All the knowledge I have about accounting was being challenged and the demand was to change how it was done to satisfy the partners’ need to try and understand it.

And as this was played out in a multitude of endless spreadsheets that seemingly changed in a kaleidoscopic manner I tried desperately to make sense of it and provide them with their insatiable needs in order to understand where the firm was going.

Twice a month this ritual was to be done, each containing information that just seemed to build.  And God knows, I did my best in this regard.

When I approached them about the obscene cost of storage it was at first ignored.  Only when the business slowed down was this now an issue that needed to be dealt with exponentially.

I ran the numbers by them on paper filing.  Found programs that would be ideal in converting to an electronic format.  And while I was successful in convincing them that we did indeed need to make this change, one of the partners created a program of sorts that I’ve never really understood.

Initially the receptionist had to go in an re-code a great deal of information.  A quick fix was found about a year later.  And it was not part of my job description at that point.  I simply needed to ensure that it was done in a timely manner.

When the receptionist left and was not replaced I now had to fend for myself.  I was dragging bottom at this point so I set up my own system to try and deal with the backlog as I didn’t really understand what had been set up and it just seemed every time I tried to sequester a lesson it just didn’t happen.

I was getting lost, even then I knew it. But I’m stubborn so I stuck my head in the sand and soldiered on.

I don’t remember what John said exactly to me that day, but the words were an arrow that pierced the heart and fractured that delicate child of mine.  I lost it.

I stormed after him and began to sob and scream ” You can’t talk to me like that!”

And then I was on the defensive , crying pathetically.  My voice had taken on a high-pitched childlike octave and nothing coming out of my mouth was really all that coherent.

Then he simply turned his back to me, dismissing me.

And I raged on.  That was a year and a half ago.  Oh, I knew then that I’d overstayed my welcome.  I could not work under these conditions..  No one should.

I began to put out feelers to see what was out there.  I’d be a little more careful this time out and really listen to my intuition.  I was beginning to understand the error of my ways.

A month later…”You’ve got Cancer!”

Now as much as I would have liked to continue the job search, going into an interview with the footnote..’oh, just to let you know, I do have cancer, but no worries, I’ll be just fine!’ just didn’t cut it.

And here I am, one year to the day that I had surgery.  I truly thought that would be it.  Take out the diseased parts and get on with it.

And at this moment I am just feeling sad.

Oh, it will pass, but boy, did they pick a good week to hand out five weeks notice telling me that my position was going to be ‘downsized and rationalized’ and I would be joining the ranks of the unemployed if I don’t find something in the interim.

There is more to it than the reason given.  This I can assure you.  Certain powers that be wanted me out.  It really is just that simple unfortunately.  And who they bring in to replace me, or if they contract out, I really have no clue.

I was told that I have not been very productive and they can’t afford me.  That really hurt.

I took just two weeks off after the surgery.  On the days I went in for chemo I took those off as well.  I made up the time, however, working overtime and banking it when ever I could.

Chemo messed up the thought process.  Fractured it for a time.  Pulled me into a fog so thick.

And still John’s hurtful comments continued.

Not once did either partner sit me down and express concern over me or my job performance.  Not once did they encourage me to take a leave of absence and just heal.

Yet every error, everything I forgot to do was underlined.  Still, everything managed to get done.

And as I sit here now, feeling rather beaten and defeated, I do know I’m leaving the place in far better shape than when I first arrived.  I will always honour the job regardless.

And you know, I wish I’d been able to tell John when those words were bestowed just how terrified I was.

Of him.  Of the drugs that were invading my body. Of dying.

But I didn’t.

Each morning I rose from my bed and put the mask of accountant / office manager on though now it was cracked and so hideous to me but I was desperate to believe in it still.

What if this mind of mine stayed like this?  I didn’t want to go there.

The phone would ring while I was trying to focus on the numbers before me, and after the phone call had ended…the train of thought was gone.  The numbers sometime looking like another language. Then those tendrils of fear began to slip in.

What was happening to me?

I really began to understand in many ways I was simply a statistic.  At work, getting cancer.  It’s a numbers game.

And I won’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep in the last year trying to deal with the all the things that were rising up and at times feeling quite hysterical, but if there is one thing I’ve learned well, it’s how to hide it.

And I am a forgiving soul.

Some might say I should not make such things public record.  I’ve nothing to hide really. I never have.

I feel no shame.  I only wish I’d not taken the abuse for as long as I did.  Those that pay our salary have a certain power though.  And while I often would just walk away saying nothing when these barbs were tossed out, I still allowed it to continue.

Oh, I knew I had to get out of there and was preparing as such.  I wanted to get the publishing company up and running and then get the book launched first.  And I wanted to ensure that everything was brought up to date so that whomever replaced me would at least have a bit of a head start.  I was about 75% complete in that quest.

And happily my synoptic functions have returned full force, though there is still a little residue effect that is occurring.

And a year later the Universe has spoken.  I have a much different path now to explore.  It has been a toxic year on so many fronts.  Now it’s time to move on and heal on every front.

You can’t make lemonade out of sour grapes no matter how hard you try.  Best to bow out gracefully and know that karma always has a way of balancing things out.

Mercury is coming out of a significant retrograde insisting that I leave my toxic past behind me and I will.

One year later, I am still here.  I will know the freedom to create, I will know the freedom to love, I will know the freedom to express my true passions and I will live these.

Peace and love to all of you.

Namaste.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s Goin’ On?


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All the pretty flowers!

The sleep thing is beginning to square off.  I am making it a point to not look at the clock should I waken and to just keep my eyes closed unless of course I need to use the facilities or take a sip of water.

Perhaps I should stop the water thing.  I went for a very long time without having water at my bedside.  I don’t even recall why I began this ritual again.

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A wild rose…how wild?  Didn’t say but it is a West End Rose!

I am babbling.

It’s Friday!  I am happy its Friday.  This has been an odd week of imagined negotiations with myself.  And I will explain this when I am not feeling quite as discombobulated as is my current state.

I have one functioning neuron…the rest have gone on strike or something. So I am going to share a few pictures with you.

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This is a red-winged blackbird though I didn’t quite get the red in there. 

 

I went for bit of walk at lunch yesterday to clear my head of the eleven cent discrepancy on my bank reconcilation and to calm the sense of righteous indignation I was feeling having gotten a ridiculously high bill for my sister’s cell phone after just switching providers to make it more affordable.

The fact too that sleep has been sporadic at best over the last few weeks, I may well have looked like I was auditioning for the ‘Walking Dead’.

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This is the one neuron look.  What’s scary is that I look eerily similar to the animation….oooooooooooooo!

The great thing about getting out and actually smelling the roses is that I feel that much needed connection to everything around me.

Upon return to the office I found and corrected the discrepancy on the bank reconciliation and negotiated a suitable resolution regarding the phone issue.

I was tying up loose ends yesterday it seemed.  It occurred to me, and I don’t know why, that Mercury is retrograde.

I laughed at this thought.  Isn’t Mercury always retrograde?

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Bird of a very different feather.  See what happens if you sit around all day?  You get a little bottom heavy and the next thing you know Sir Mix-a-Lot appears and sings ‘Baby Got Back’ to you! Oye!

In any case I hope you’ve enjoyed some of the pics I posted today.

Thanks for stopping by.

Peace.

 

Hi Ho, Hi Ho…It’s off to work I go!


Ah yes!  Back to the corporate grind of earning my daily bread.  I am about as un-corporate as they come though.  No power suits for this gal.  No stilettos to make me look sexy and intimidating.  Not my style.  I am trying to rock the Chic Bohemian look and in all fairness, I really don’t know what that means, however, it sounds awesome so I’ll run with it.

I’ve run this term by my daughter a few times and she just gives me THAT LOOK then rolls her eyes toward the heavens.  With a bit of petulant attitude I toss my nose in the air and saunter off.

Seriously, I am fun to work with.  I need to be organized and try to will everyone over to my way of thinking.  This seldom works but can make for interesting dynamics in the workplace.  How many executives do you know that would tell those that they work with that resistance was futile and that they will be assimilated?  My co-workers look at me strangely as I stand there smiling maniacally at them.  “Do you like Jello?”

Confused they tell me yes.

“Do you love Jello?” I ask with devilish delight.

Of course they do.  “I am Strawberry Jello…you will love me and do my bidding!”

They shake their heads and smile sympathetically at me, then disperse. Now I am beginning to think that the Jello thing is a little too old to be effective anymore, a little to passe.  I will have to conjure some other manner to take over the world, starting with my workplace.

And you should have fun while working.  God knows we spend enough time out of our day there.  Wouldn’t you love to work with a woman who fancies taking over the world?

Of course I do understand how the economy stands today.  I know how it works and all that good stuff.  I also know that the economy as it stands today is NOT sustainable.  We need to change how we do business.  Yes, I have prattled on about this topic before and likely will again.  I won’t get into it today other than this honourable mention.

It’s good to be back at work.  Good to get back to challenging myself on any given day to get this place running smoothly.  It can be done!

I am feeling stronger everyday.  My energy is increasing and the shock the body has endured from losing the reproductive organs is slowly righting itself.  On Sunday I did a Kundalini meditation that was very powerful.

Sleep is beginning to balance out.  It’ll be great when I am past all of this.  These days too, I am researching clean foods to assist through chemo and radiation that is to come.  I have been drinking a shake / smoothie daily designed to detox and provide tons of nutrients.  I’ve heard it said that chemo can wreak havoc on the digestive system and nausea is a side effect.

I want to ensure what I consume will provide a ton of nourishment.  The thing with shakes/smoothies is that they are absorbed very quickly into the system.

Well, time to get to work.  Enjoy your day!

Peace.

 

In Training (Day 19)….Invisible


I had a great workout this morning.  Hit the steam room after and came out resembling a freshly cooked lobster.  My muscles felt like butter which is always the point I suppose.  This is now my third week in training and I am beginning to find my groove with all of this.  I am getting into a routine and now I can begin the task of adding a little bit more of challenge each time out to build up the stamina and endurance I will need to do this thing.

It has been a stressful week.  One where I really have had to really consider which direction I want to go in regarding my career.  If I could write on a full-time basis and make a decent living at it, that would be the ultimate path I would take.  And who knows?  Maybe once I launch the book, that path will open for me.

Regarding the edit, I am at approximately 90% complete.  There are a few areas that need to be defined with more detail and context and then just the spelling and grammar corrections to polish it up and it will be good to go.  Overall I’m happy with what I have produced.  I feel that I presented a difficult story in an honest and well thought out manner.

I have learned so much through this process as well.  And I have come to a point where being treated poorly by anyone just doesn’t cut it anymore.  To be made to feel small and invisible and without worth is never acceptable.  And just because the person is under a lot of  stress does not give them an excuse to treat another person with such disregard.

Being on the receiving of this type of behaviour many times over my lifetime, I no longer remain in such volatile situations.  I extricate myself and move on.

I guess I don’t understand how someone feels that they can carry on in that manner,  particularly in a professional setting.  That my feelings just don’t matter.  That I should just suck it up.  I am not invisible. I am not incompetent and I will not entertain anyone’s attitude that deems otherwise.

I will always conduct myself professionally with courtesy and respect to the job at hand.  I will not be anyone’s whipping post.

I know many people who are treated poorly by their bosses.  For many because they need the job they put up with the bullshit.  That is the sad part of all of this.  I like my job for the most part and I do it very well.  But if someone keeps knocking you down day after day because they feel like shit and want to drag you down there with them, productivity will be affected.

And I will not be dragged into that sandbox mentality of having to prove anything to anyone.

So that has been my week.  Realizing that I have come to place where I need to move on.  And I will.

Meantime I still feel incredibly blessed with where I am at in my life and the things that I have overcome.

And life goes on as it always does and I have yet another chapter to begin.

Peace.

Elevators…the Ups & Downs


The rains have come back to Vancouver.  We needed a good soaking though.  Nothing like a summer shower now is there?  All the greenery was looking a tad wilted, so this will spruce them up again.  I hit the gym and had a decent workout…slipped and fell in the middle of the road on my way out but shook it off.  Funny, as I was laying in the middle of the road the phrase, ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!’ slipped into my head and just a quickly slipped back out.  I pounced to my feet and shook off the sting then went and got my morning coffee.  The wonderful staff at Delaney’s offer me a job today.  They would be so much fun to work with…in fact, they were fighting , albeit playfully, about who would be more fun to work with.  So I dispensed with the body surfing and declined the job offer, but told them to keep it open for me.  You never know!

Got to work and well…we have been having issues with this building for quite some time now.  Air conditioning issues, garbage and recycling issues and then of course the good ol’ elevator.  We have two elevators. Over the past two weeks only one has been functioning kinda sorta…but more often than not…not really.

So this morning I came in, pressed the call button and nothing.  I went to the stairwell and walked up to the first floor.   This week it has been working from the lobby area and up and not going down to the car park.  No, the elevator wasn’t budging and the second one is out of commission completely.  We have two stairwells in this building, again I don’t know why. The stairwell that extends from the car park and all the way up cannot be accessed from the lobby.  The door is locked.  So I enter the second stairwell that is accessible and unlocked from the lobby but guess what?  You climb all the stairs to your floor and that door is locked!

Now,  had I walked all the way up from the car park to my floor, that door to my floor would have been open!

Go figure!  I don’t even understand why the doors are locked in the first place.  Several of us stood in the lobby gazing at the elevator that was stuck with such discontent trying to will the damn thing to move.  We would turn away then our gaze would snap back to the suspended elevator stuck up on the second floor.

I phoned building management…god, I feel for that guy.  He’s young and by the end of this week he will likely have grey hair.  At least leave the stairwells unlocked so we can walk up.  I feel like a skipping record.  I have called him almost everyday for the past two weeks.

“Hi Mike, this is Nancy from Bingham Hill.”

“Hi Nancy, how are you?”

“I’m well, and yourself?”

“Very well, thank you.”

I am about to change that.

“Have you heard about the elevator?  The recycling? The air conditioning?”

“No, Nancy.  What’s going on?”

And of course then I have to tell the poor dear that we either stranded somewhere in the building and cannot access certain parts or that we are all suffering from heat stroke…and uh…oh, yes…we are trying to empty out some storage units.  We have been trying to do this for a few weeks now.  I really don’t have the heart to tell him the door on the women’s washroom is falling off and the middle stall isn’t flushing properly.  That just seems cruel right now.

And perhaps he has been made aware to these facts.  Women are typically quite vocal on such things, but I figure tackle the big issues first then the washroom issues will be a cake walk for him.  He will likely be delighted that I am calling him about such an easily remedied problem.

So I will save that for another rainy day.  I have already given him enough for one rainy day in Vancouver.

Have a great day!

 

Work…why do we do it?


I am sooooooo looking forward to my run tonight.  I have had a couple of extremely busy days doing work I don’t usually do at my office  and meeting deadlines that are unusually demanding.  Now I am great in stressful situations, but I tell you today was just nuts and in the back of my head I kept wondering why we were doing this.   At the end of the day I guess we do it just because.  The sun is starting to peak out and now that the mad rush is over, and we did what we needed to do to the best of our abilities, all you can do is smile sit back and get drunk.

I am kidding about that, however, if I did want a drink we have Tequila in the kitchen here at work as well as beer and wine.  So if I really need to toss one back, I could.  They started a tradition in this firm, oh I don’t know, 20 some odd years ago I am guessing.  The place has been around for 50 years, but I digress.  On Friday’s at 4:00 PM everyone is poured a shot of Tequila…if you want one…there is beer and wine that we can have as well and snacks are put in the kitchen as well just to raise a glass for a week of good work.

Ordinarily I don’t partake in the this exercise.  There have been a few occasions though when I had a day much like today and did imbibe.  That is very rare though.  I love a challenge but give enough time to do a good job is all I ask.  Time was certainly a deciding factor today.

I did get my workout in this morning and I am feeling quite peppy this week.  Lately, I have been just steamrollering along…and I am thinking I need to slow down just a tad.  After this week the pace should slow considerably.  I also want to be able write a bit more and have some fresher ideas than why I only have one nerve left that is working…and its about to go off.  The best way really to reduce stress is to breathe and get out and exercise a bit.  Does wonders.  So while I jest about my nervous condition…I seriously do not have one…I am just being cheeky. But at this point…the brain function is on autopilot and I don’t know half of what I have written just now, but I think this is some sort of rant about having to use several brain functions all at the same time.

I can do this but it is quite another thing when you are trying to push a month’s worth of effort into 1 1/2 days.  Because we should have had a month to do what we just did.  So I am ranting nonsensically.

I was thinking just this moment how nice it would to be laying on a massage table and have a really cute guy give me a rub down.  But come to think of it, I might well find that more stimulating than relaxing.  Okay…now I am getting far too cheeky so I will go make myself a cup of tea and contemplate the universe at large.  Toodles!