The Heart of the Matter


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Sunset as viewed from Burrard St. Bridge, Aug 1, 2015

I’ve been rather absent from this forum over the last few weeks, I know.  Much has been going on and at this moment I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted by all of it.

A few weeks back on a Friday evening I went for dinner and tapped out a heartfelt blog post.  I expressed all the issues that I’ve been faced with and how I was trying to deal.
Upon finishing my dinner, close to 1,000 words had been tapped out. I proofed it and then just like that…it disappeared.  I’m not certain if I hit something in error but my writings were gone.  I would later notice that the ‘move to trash’ key was right next to ‘publish’.

It wasn’t in trash either so perhaps it was moved there then later through my fumbling, was erased for good.

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I took a deep breath and released an agonizing sigh.

Later in the evening I tried to reproduce what I’d penned earlier but this was unsuccessful. My heart just wasn’t in it and I was exhausted.
It is now Sunday evening and I’m just chillin’
In the morning I have to go in for day one of the nuclear test on my heart. I’ve had this test done before and for the life of me I cannot remember what was done.
Day one is 4-6 hours in length. Day 2 is about 3 hours.

I am praying that everything is okay.

The other development has been the building I live in. I had to come up with a big chunk of money for the re-piping and restoration that has been ongoing since mid-March of this year.

Once the work is done I’ve conceded that I’ll have to sell. I want to get my bills paid down and in a perfect world I’ll just have a mortgage payment and few utility bills each month.

I’m still in physio and active rehab for the back injury I sustained in the vehicle accident back in January as well. Yes, I’ve been a little stressed with everything but at the end of the day I’m grateful for the health care that is available to me and that I have a bit of wiggle room financially.

The second portion of this year will be about resolution. Problems have come up and remedies are being applied as we speak.  I’d hoped to be more proactive with the publishing company I started and promoting the book I’ve written and released.

All in good time I suppose.

Sleep has been elusive these last few weeks as well.

I have concocted a plan and need to execute it now.

Test Day No. 1 – Monday, July 27, 2015

Having fasted yesterday as per the hospitals instructions, no caffeine for 24 hours, no food for 12 hours, and no bra.  I’ve just finished the treadmill part of this.  The girls (a.k.a. boobs) thought they were flying!  I’ve had this talk with them before but hell why should I spoil their fun?  Let ’em think they’ve got wings for a few minutes.

The good doctor and medical staff wired me up and put me on the treadmill for 10 minutes. The heart rate needs to get up to 95 beats per minute then they shot me full of a radioactive dye. They continued increasing the grade and speed. If you hit the 150 beats per minute before the 10 minute mark, then they’ll stop at that point.

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Happily I was on for the duration.

I’m now in the hospital cafeteria enjoying a coffee and breakfast before continuing on with the imaging portion of the test.

In March of this year when I went for my annual stress test, I experienced major back pain due to the car accident, which had occurred just seven weeks prior. I was not able to complete the treadmill test.

This heart of mine is still beating. It’s intimidating as hell having to go through these tests yet again. The last few years have been tough and I’ve fought through so much fear with all of this. I’m in a head space now where if its broke, we’ll fix it.

It is a beautiful outside on this Monday morning. Cotton puff clouds dot a pale blue summer sky. There is no wind to speak of

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There is much to be done in the next few months. No wallowing allowed!

Time to get back on track and take my life back and to the next level.

I’ve got books to write and publish. I’ve got an empire to build honouring the written word.  There will be moments to capture with my camera as well.  I’ve got races to run and a world to explore. Let’s polish up this ol’ heart of mine and keep the ticker tickin’!

How do you mend a broken heart?  With love and tenderness and a stent or two.

Test Day No. 2 – Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I had to more or less repeat the fasting regiment, mind you its only been a 12 hour imposition this time out.

I’ve been injected with the radioactive dye once more. Soon everything will taste like metal and if yesterday is any indication, I’ll be a little headachy.

I had to go into work yesterday after testing as payroll needed to get done. Today I’ll just go home and rest up.

One of my co-workers suggested that I may end up with superpowers as a result of being filled up with radioactive dye.

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An image of a Spiderwoman character came to mind but it was a comical one.
It certainly wasn’t a sleek looking superhero.

No. My Spiderwoman has a fear of heights and a taste for craft beer and oysters!

Could be a fun concept though.  Hmmm!

And it’s done now.  Time to go back to the drawing board and get down to the heart of the matter.

Namaste.

 

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Back In Training: Week Eight & Nine: To the One I Love


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Now that the holiday season has passed it’s time to pick up where I left off. I have three more sessions with my trainer.

Time to introduce that ol’ love of mine running back into the mix.

The last few days on the job I’ve been jump starting all the neurons that were firing on all cylinders prior to the Christmas break. All of us at the office have been winding up slowly.

The new running clinic at The Right Shoe began this evening and it was time to get back to it. I’m feeling so much stronger than I was just three months back. I was feeling a little anxious hoping that the run would ‘feel’ good.

The rain had let up and we had a lovely cool winter evening to greet us as we assembled for our run.

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This is the start of my sixth year with this group. Let me tell you, it felt like coming home tonight. Warm greetings and hugs were exchanged. Jennifer is still running with just six weeks left in her pregnancy.

Angie was in Ontario over the holidays and Siobhan was in Montreal.

Klaus got a cold for Christmas and his wife got the flu. Not the kind of gifts one wants.

Lara, our run leader was just glowing. Always with a welcoming smile she greeted all the newbies and of course us lifers.

I’m starting back at the beginning. I’ll rebuild just as I’ve done with my core strength.

I had a fabulous run! The heaviness I was feeling in my lower abdomen before is gone now. Oh, I’ve a long way to go before I’m back to my previous performance level, but this was a huge improvement from a few months ago.

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I chatted with a few members after our run and then I had to leave. The tears were starting to come. The sweet emotions that were washing over me, the gratitude, the joy, and just how blessed I felt in that moment.

I didn’t want people to think I was upset, as I wasn’t. I love everyone in this group.

When I first started running with them I was huge! And I was still quite introverted and a wee bit shy.

I can tell you that I felt so out of place at first. I can also tell you that my discomfort was of my own making.

Everyone in this group made it a point to encourage me to keep it up. One of the first times we went up to Eric Hamber to train on the track, it took me close to four minutes for just one lap.

Yet every time another member ran past me they offered up words of encouragement and playfully teased that I’d be running circles around them soon.

And as I got in my car tonight it struck me then. This is where the big shift in my life started. The tears fell freely now. Five years ago I joined this group to train for my first Sun Run and crossing that finish line opened a whole new world to me

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I had choices revealed on that day that had always just been wishful thinking and was challenged to make them a reality. And I am.

Peace.

Back In Training: Week Four – Throwing Down the Gauntlet


June 21, 2014 1037 Desire.  Want.  Commitment. Conviction.  Focus.  Determination.  Gratitude. These were the emotions that were pulsating through me as I left the fitness studio today.  I can shower in a moment but first I need to get this down.  Record it.  It’s been a long time since I felt a strength like this.  It feels like years since I could look in the mirror and know that I was truly getting my healthy back.  I experienced this just a half hour ago as I walked back up the hill to my home having completed the Level One Fitness test. I am digging the challenge and rising up to it. van 4 It snowed a little last night and this morning a crisp blue sky greeted me with a brilliant sun that is very deceiving as the temperature is currently about -4 degrees Celsius.  Still, there is something so invigorating about the sting of the cold air on my cheeks.  As I walked down the alley to my building a wash of emotion enveloped me.  I thought back to a Sunday morning back in February of 2013.  I met with my running group and it was about -8 degrees. We ran a 10 KM that morning.  The route took us along W. 4th Avenue to Arbutus Street.  Then up to 16th Avenue and along to Ontario Street.  From that point it was  down to Athletes Village (close to Science World) then along the seawall back to the store.  As I was running down Ontario Street the vision of Vancouver frozen in white in all her splendor lay before me.  I was drenched in sweat and I can’t remember when I felt more alive. And it was in that moment as I tuned into the universal energy that I was so very much a part of that I accepted I could indeed complete a 1/2 Marathon. van 3 The significance of this particular moment is that was the last run I did where I was at my peak.  My energy was fabulous and I felt so strong!  I was building and all the hard work I was putting in was paying off. The following week as we ran the 12 KM my energy began to wane.  The progression of my health slipping from me continued and if you’ve followed this blog you’ll know the reason was cancer.  And the internal battle that ensued I am just now beginning emerge from. Climbing up the steps to my home the tears slipped down my cheeks and I just let myself cry.  Today I felt the same emotions that I did on that winter morning close to two years ago.  I feel so alive right now!  So vital and strong!  I am taking my life back now in everyway. Thanks for stopping by and have a fabulous day. QueensPark 177 Namaste.

Back in Training: Week Three – Gettin’ Down to Business


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I really kicked it up a notch this week.  The pain is beginning to subside and I no longer feel like I should be in traction after a workout.  Next week I want to incorporate a couple of walk/runs into the mix.

My next session with my trainer I’ll be doing a Level One Fitness Test for my age group.  Our focus this week was taking me through the components of the test then working on core and cardio.  I am quite confident that next week I’ll ace the fitness test.

I have just drawn up a workout schedule for the week ahead and will incorporate all of the fitness test components into the workouts I have at the gym.  This is what it will look like.

Workout Schedule for Week Four

  1. Crunches w/ medicine ball – 40 x 2
  2. Step-ups w/ medicine ball (on aerobic stepper) – 15 on each leg leading = 30 x 2 sets
  3. Up and Over’s touching down (on aerobic stepper) – 20 x 2
  4. Leg lifts – 20 x 2
  5. Seal Jacks – 20 x 2
  6. Mountain Climbers – 30 x 2
  7. Side Steps – 30 seconds w/ squat at end x 2
  8. Triceps Push-ups – 15 x 2
  9. Skipping – 30 seconds x 2
  10. Plank – 45 seconds x 2
  11. Bridge – hold for 1 minute x 2
  12. Overhead Towel squat – 30 x 2
  13. 45 degree Suspension Row – 10 x 2
  14. Push-ups from knees – 10 x 2
  15. Kettle bell swing – 8 lb. 40 x 2
  16. Back extensions – 20 x 2
  • Continue w/ 20 minutes on Bike
  • Continue w/ 15 minutes on Elliptical
  • Three upper body machines (Optional)
  • Three lower body machines. (Optional)

18.  Two walk/runs over my 5 km route (45 min – 50 min)

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Each gym workout will take 1 1/2 hours in length.  I start with 35 minutes of cardio on the stationary bike then jump on the elliptical.

My diet has improved exponentially as well.  I only ate out once and that was a pit stop at Subway on Monday evening as I ran late at the engineer’s office and didn’t get home until 8:30 PM.  I had nothing prepared so I opted to just pick up a sub sandwich.

The last two Saturday evenings I’ve cooked at home.  Again, not something I’m used to doing.

Funny the habits we get into.  Back in 2005 when my daughter was taking her graphic design program I took on a couple of other jobs to help her out.  Also I didn’t want her to have worry about working as it is often stressful enough just trying to get through your studies.

One of the part-time gigs was at a diner in Vancouver.  For close to five years I worked 20 hours a week there.  Friday’s I left my day job at 5:00 PM and started at 6:00 PM  to 10 PM. Every Saturday was from 2 PM to 10 PM and Sundays from 8:00 AM to 3:00 PM.

Consequently Saturdays found me coming home and getting cleaned up then heading up Commercial Drive for  a nibble at Wazubees (no longer there), Havana (now very pricey), a little Greek place (no longer there), or a number of other restaurants.  Because I was working so often I neglected meal planning in a big way.

My organizational skills were still somewhat challenged back then.

What I’ve discovered to be key in managing a busy schedule is to actually plan out your week meals and activities.

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When I left the restaurant back in 2010 I purchased my current home.  The last four and half years have been a whirlwind!

Because I was working so much for those five years my social life was pretty much non-existent as well.

Fridays became synonymous for heading down to the Heritage Grill, the Brooklyn, Hops, the Terminal or a host of other places that are within walking distance for a pint and nibble followed by a writing marathon. I would wander home at 1:00 AM once I’d finished whatever it was I was working on.

Saturdays saw me turning into a social butterfly of sorts.

Sundays were for domestic duties of cleaning, laundry and picking up groceries.

Still I wasn’t planning my meals all that well throughout the week.  My daughter was still living with me so we took turns cooking and for a time it worked.

I was committed to good health and had found the love of running once again.  Emotional issues that I’d long neglected came to fore and finally I had the strength to work through them.  And just as I felt that I’d laid that beast to rest then came the challenges of heart disease and cancer.

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A little over a month ago I finally accepted that physically I was right back at square one.  This body had gone through punishing treatment and I tried to convince myself otherwise.  I would head out with my running group on Tuesday evenings and the following couple of days my hips and lower back would be in total agony.

The strong core I had once possessed had effectively been destroyed by treatment.  With this admission a depression had set in….and as I am wont to do when this occurs I cried in many, many beer as I nibbled on pizza.

Yes, I was contributing to my own demise once again!

Oye!

I’m not one to wallow in self-pity, however, and in fact I have little tolerance for myself when I get like this.

And three weeks into training my core strength is returning.  The exercises Tamer has provided are excellent for core as well as whole body.  The workout above has many of the core exercises I’ve been working on .  Yesterday she had me take on the ropes.  These two ropes are about 15 feet in length.  Not to sure of their weight but you hold them in a squat position and can either wobble them back and forth (fabulous for the triceps) or up and down.

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She is pushing me and watching my form.  I am learning so much.  Here I thought myself so knowledgeable about fitness previously and well, in the last three weeks I’ve tackled several exercises that I’ve never done before.

If you are curious about any of the above exercise listed above please let me know.

On Friday evening I decided I really needed to replace the blender that had broken down a couple of months ago.  Heading out I found the Nutri Ninja which is what I wanted at a great price.  Later today I’m going to head out and load up on kale, spinach, and host of other goodies!  The veggie and fruit shakes are back, baby!  Yum!

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Thanks for stopping by.

Peace.

 

Move Like….Gumby?


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The thought occurred as I was escalating up the escalator.

“You gotta move like Gumby, move like Gumby…you gotta moooooove like Gumby!

I have been telling myself this quite a bit lately.  “Just move, girl.  Just get up and move.  Walk, dance, do something!”

When did this become so freakin’ hard?

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I’m having to reschedule when I ‘move’ and I definitely need to do it more often.

The new job has found me with my head in the books pretty much the entire day.  Oh, I take bathroom breaks and run up and down the stairs from time to time and feed myself when hunger occurs.

I’m working in an industrial park with a lot of green space around me, however, with only a half hour allotted for lunch I can’t really get a good walk in.

But perhaps a 15 to 20 minute power walk could work.

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I’ve decided to get up a half hour earlier to do a brief workout in my living room.  It’s a start.  I am running with my group again and it has been brutal.

I’ve finally accepted what my body has been trying to tell me for the last six months.  “Slow down and start over.”

I was talking with Deborah who is one of the run leaders tonight about this.  Both she and her husband Peter have had health issues over the years and it’s tough.  You just want to get over with being ‘sick’ and get back to your life.

My head was convinced that I could just pick up where I left off and I think I really wanted to believe just that.  The last six months as I have tried to just push through the damage caused as a result of treatment I have finally conceded that fact.

Yup, it took a little while to sink in.  I don’t always want to see what is glaringly in front of me.

I really wanted to treat the whole cancer debacle as just a minor inconvenience.  I have accepted that it was little more than that.  I have accepted that physically I’ve taken a bit of a beating.  And I’ve accepted that regaining my health is going to be a little painful for a while.

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So it’s back to the beginning.  I want to move like Gumby.  I want to be all twisty bendy without the feeling like the tin man.

And I shall!

 

The Universe Has Spoken – A Uterusless Year


 

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Last evening I sat finishing up at the engineer’s office having maintained his accounting records on a part-time basis for the last six years, I let my mind wander.  Prior to that I had worked full-time there for five years.

I gazed out the window.  A beautiful summer evening beckoned beyond the confines of the office.

There used to be a spectacular view when first James’ moved the office over to 4th Ave. and Main Street here in Vancouver.  An unimpeded and often breathtaking vista of Vancouver’s mountains made working in an area that was still largely industrial and not particularly attractive just shine a little brighter.

Eleven years ago I can recall going out and taking pictures of the first snow that fell on the mountains when we moved to this location.

It looked as though icing sugar had been liberally sprinkled over the whole of them.  It was so beautiful.

Tonight as I sat gazing at the view that no longer exists, trying to figure out what my fog induced brain had done a few months back, I just felt sad.

The race to develop the area after the Olympics graced our fair city is still underway.  Many of the buildings that have been erected are not particularly attractive.  Densification is the key word these days.  Not that the area was stellar to look at before, but I’d hoped that it would look better than what it does at the moment.  Each building’s footprint maximizes the space allowable to build upon in everyway.

The view really doesn’t exist any longer.  Oh you can see a bit of the mountains, but not like a few years ago.

I leaned back in my chair. It’s been a brutal week.  A lot of tears.  A lot of unexpected turn of events.

I thought back to that first run in I had with John.  He is one of partners at the architectural firm I work at, so yes, one of my boss’.

I wondered why it is I end up in these positions.  It seems like subconsciously I ignore those little red flags that go up.

No, I wait until the universe slaps me around a little and says ‘Get you ass oughta there!”  Even then, as I assure the universe that I will do just that after I do this, this and that, I often find I get kicked to the curb.

The universe has indeed spoken and I really need to listen to it better.

I was ‘warned’ when I started in this job just over five years ago by my predecessor.

When Raymond quit not even a year later, I saw ‘The Wrath of John’ in action for the first time.  It would not be the last.

I should have begun the hunt to get out four years ago after that display.

But I was convinced that I could make a difference and do the job and do if fabulously.

In the beginning I was tenacious.  Why I thought I needed to prove it to myself, I don’t know.   And I should know better by now.

Then there is this thing about timing.

I was getting healthy in everyway for the first time really in my life.  It was a tough period as I was finally tackling some of the deepest issues that have always plagued me.

It was strange.

I was trying desperately to break out of the hell I’d created in another hell I’d accepted.  And all the while the mask went on every morning.

The competent and self-assured accountant / office manager headed off into the wilds of the business world wanting to make sense of it, and trying to play the corporate chess match with effect.

And when that condemning eye of John’s fell to me and the verbal assaults began, did I stop him in his tracks right at the beginning?

No.  I tried to suck it up and be a ‘man’ about it.  After all this was just business, yes?

It continued for months.  The woman who had gone in prepared to run the place with notions of smooth efficiency began to sink.

All the knowledge I have about accounting was being challenged and the demand was to change how it was done to satisfy the partners’ need to try and understand it.

And as this was played out in a multitude of endless spreadsheets that seemingly changed in a kaleidoscopic manner I tried desperately to make sense of it and provide them with their insatiable needs in order to understand where the firm was going.

Twice a month this ritual was to be done, each containing information that just seemed to build.  And God knows, I did my best in this regard.

When I approached them about the obscene cost of storage it was at first ignored.  Only when the business slowed down was this now an issue that needed to be dealt with exponentially.

I ran the numbers by them on paper filing.  Found programs that would be ideal in converting to an electronic format.  And while I was successful in convincing them that we did indeed need to make this change, one of the partners created a program of sorts that I’ve never really understood.

Initially the receptionist had to go in an re-code a great deal of information.  A quick fix was found about a year later.  And it was not part of my job description at that point.  I simply needed to ensure that it was done in a timely manner.

When the receptionist left and was not replaced I now had to fend for myself.  I was dragging bottom at this point so I set up my own system to try and deal with the backlog as I didn’t really understand what had been set up and it just seemed every time I tried to sequester a lesson it just didn’t happen.

I was getting lost, even then I knew it. But I’m stubborn so I stuck my head in the sand and soldiered on.

I don’t remember what John said exactly to me that day, but the words were an arrow that pierced the heart and fractured that delicate child of mine.  I lost it.

I stormed after him and began to sob and scream ” You can’t talk to me like that!”

And then I was on the defensive , crying pathetically.  My voice had taken on a high-pitched childlike octave and nothing coming out of my mouth was really all that coherent.

Then he simply turned his back to me, dismissing me.

And I raged on.  That was a year and a half ago.  Oh, I knew then that I’d overstayed my welcome.  I could not work under these conditions..  No one should.

I began to put out feelers to see what was out there.  I’d be a little more careful this time out and really listen to my intuition.  I was beginning to understand the error of my ways.

A month later…”You’ve got Cancer!”

Now as much as I would have liked to continue the job search, going into an interview with the footnote..’oh, just to let you know, I do have cancer, but no worries, I’ll be just fine!’ just didn’t cut it.

And here I am, one year to the day that I had surgery.  I truly thought that would be it.  Take out the diseased parts and get on with it.

And at this moment I am just feeling sad.

Oh, it will pass, but boy, did they pick a good week to hand out five weeks notice telling me that my position was going to be ‘downsized and rationalized’ and I would be joining the ranks of the unemployed if I don’t find something in the interim.

There is more to it than the reason given.  This I can assure you.  Certain powers that be wanted me out.  It really is just that simple unfortunately.  And who they bring in to replace me, or if they contract out, I really have no clue.

I was told that I have not been very productive and they can’t afford me.  That really hurt.

I took just two weeks off after the surgery.  On the days I went in for chemo I took those off as well.  I made up the time, however, working overtime and banking it when ever I could.

Chemo messed up the thought process.  Fractured it for a time.  Pulled me into a fog so thick.

And still John’s hurtful comments continued.

Not once did either partner sit me down and express concern over me or my job performance.  Not once did they encourage me to take a leave of absence and just heal.

Yet every error, everything I forgot to do was underlined.  Still, everything managed to get done.

And as I sit here now, feeling rather beaten and defeated, I do know I’m leaving the place in far better shape than when I first arrived.  I will always honour the job regardless.

And you know, I wish I’d been able to tell John when those words were bestowed just how terrified I was.

Of him.  Of the drugs that were invading my body. Of dying.

But I didn’t.

Each morning I rose from my bed and put the mask of accountant / office manager on though now it was cracked and so hideous to me but I was desperate to believe in it still.

What if this mind of mine stayed like this?  I didn’t want to go there.

The phone would ring while I was trying to focus on the numbers before me, and after the phone call had ended…the train of thought was gone.  The numbers sometime looking like another language. Then those tendrils of fear began to slip in.

What was happening to me?

I really began to understand in many ways I was simply a statistic.  At work, getting cancer.  It’s a numbers game.

And I won’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep in the last year trying to deal with the all the things that were rising up and at times feeling quite hysterical, but if there is one thing I’ve learned well, it’s how to hide it.

And I am a forgiving soul.

Some might say I should not make such things public record.  I’ve nothing to hide really. I never have.

I feel no shame.  I only wish I’d not taken the abuse for as long as I did.  Those that pay our salary have a certain power though.  And while I often would just walk away saying nothing when these barbs were tossed out, I still allowed it to continue.

Oh, I knew I had to get out of there and was preparing as such.  I wanted to get the publishing company up and running and then get the book launched first.  And I wanted to ensure that everything was brought up to date so that whomever replaced me would at least have a bit of a head start.  I was about 75% complete in that quest.

And happily my synoptic functions have returned full force, though there is still a little residue effect that is occurring.

And a year later the Universe has spoken.  I have a much different path now to explore.  It has been a toxic year on so many fronts.  Now it’s time to move on and heal on every front.

You can’t make lemonade out of sour grapes no matter how hard you try.  Best to bow out gracefully and know that karma always has a way of balancing things out.

Mercury is coming out of a significant retrograde insisting that I leave my toxic past behind me and I will.

One year later, I am still here.  I will know the freedom to create, I will know the freedom to love, I will know the freedom to express my true passions and I will live these.

Peace and love to all of you.

Namaste.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Whisper ( A Poem)


Queens Park August 24 699Another world....

At one time all I wrote was verse.  And I did it very badly.  Convinced that everything needed to rhyme I took my limited vocabulary and tried my damnedest to convey my feelings in this odd little box of adjectives, nouns and verbs.  I can’t remember where I heard this or perhaps I read it somewhere.  It was one of those obscure little tidbits that became a rather foolish thorn in my side. 

“Nothing rhymes with orange.”

How many nights did I lay in bed trying to find a word that would compliment it.  Talk about a fast track to a padded cell somewhere.  I don’t know why, for a time, I was like this.  The oddest things would catch and hold. 

In fact, I stopped eating oranges for a time because of that odd little niggling I would get.

Thankfully I finally let it go. Stopped obsessing over trivial matters that had no bearing on anything really. 

If you’re wondering where all of this is leading to it is this.  I am going to attempt to write at least one good poem per month.  Perhaps its time I added a challenge to the mix.  I’ve posted a few poems on here.  I think the last one was ‘I Wonder’. 

The challenge with this form of prose is really capturing a mood, a moment, a feeling and in brief summation getting right down to the heart of the matter.  Like any other form of writing, there are certain things that appeal to me and others that repel. 

Every art form is like that though.  In any case, I am babbling here.  Time to get on with it.  I present…

The Whisper

In night visions it came,

This frightening specter,

So succinct and subtle, deliberate in its intent.

No pain, none at all,

Just a whisper,

“Something’s not right.”

And how do you diagnose a feeling?

How do you get an odd foreboding checked out?

It was in my dreams though,

A darkness had settled…a weight,

With velvet grace it embraced me,

And a storm began to brew within,

Throughout my womb the darkness spread,

Tentacles leaching into the reservoir of my life source,

Tugging, pulling…gently at first,

Then more demanding…sinister,

The whisper became a shout,

“Something is wrong!”

Encapsulated in the comfort of quick sand,

The weight now leaden,

In my head, in my heart, in my womb,

The whisper was now a scream,

“Something is very wrong!”

A rising tide of fear,

A rising tide of panic,

“Don’t go there!”

And the heaviness…now it’s becoming unbearable,

I’m being strangled,

A war is being waged in my physical body,

In my emotion core,

In my sexual divinity,

In my spiritual realm,

“Show yourself, coward!” I screamed into the night,

The face revealed, uglier than any seen before,

And this parasitic bastard had set up shop,

The intent was clear…I knew what was on the line,

It was my life,

This cancer had invaded me,

Whispered its way into my being,

I don’t know how,

Nor why.

A beautiful life was unfolding before me,

All the haunts and pains from the past were being laid to rest,

With gentle ministrations I’d calmed the hysteria of years past,

Soothed the spirit, the mind, the heart…

Wanted only to know love, to be loved,

But into battle I did go.

The cost I would not negotiate,

A pound of flesh now forfeit,

Close to a year of battle has left it’s scars,

I drank their poison believing the necessity of this madness,

Are you gone?

Have I rid myself of you?

There is an anger, a residue effect,

I’ve been robbed, maligned, beaten,

But never defeated,

And in the dark of night the whisper comes,

“Is everything okay?”