Searching for Funny


This week I decided that my next post on here had to be genuinely humorous in nature. I have been rather absent this week, yes?

Each post that I began may have begun with that intent in mind, but somehow the fog in my head extended to the words being written as seemingly being pulled from the depths of hell.  Funny soon became macabre and so I would then abandon said post and search once more for funny.

Now I should know that you can’t force funny…it has to be organic and spontaneous, doesn’t it?

I had a great long weekend with two turkey dinners amongst fabulous company.  I worked on the new book, went and snapped a few photos trying to capture the essence of Autumn.  Sounds like a perfume, doen’t it?.  Hmmm.  Whatever shall I call it?

Still, I am a erratic with making it to the gym.  Energy levels are a little wonky and I am joyfully fighting a cold.

If I didn’t feel like I was entering into the zombie apocalypse before, I certainly do now.  I can’t afford to take time off work as I have already amassed a great deal of time off.  Besides the majority of people here at the office have the same cold that I am battling and this is likely this where I contracted it.  ‘Tis the season, don’t you know.

It was extremely foggy driving in this morning.  Kind of mirrored the grey matter in my head.  Seems I have these poor thoughts that are aimlessly moving about up there but just can’t seem to make it to the surface or connect.  Oye!

Fatigue is an odd thing.  I was told I could sleep for 24 hours and still be tired.  And not just tired but drunkenly tired.  It’s the waking up part these days that is the challenge.  I typically bounce out of bed.  Okay, okay…I don’t really bounce…I eject myself forcibly…well, that’s not right either.  I get up sleepily, okay?

These mornings though I feel like I am having to swim up through a long, dark tunnel.  I can see the wakened state from a distance but have to fight to get there.  Sometimes I don’t feel like fighting.

A co-worker told me a joke yesterday and I am usually on it.  It took me several seconds to realize that she’d told a joke let alone respond to it!  And this is what the past few weeks have been like.  Searching for funny has turned into a bitch-fest on my part.

I remember reading that memory could be effected with chemo. Admittedly I haven’t been as sharp as I usually am but I am progressing each day.  In a couple of weeks time I should be almost back to normal.  At least that is the hope. Yet, I do know how fortunate I am.  A friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer and has undergone a double mastectomy and has had to endure 24 rounds of chemo to date.

I have read some of my fellow bloggers posts regarding their battle with cancer.  Some have endured years of painful after effects as a result of their treatments.

And even though I know I technically have the right to complain, I don’t want to.  When I do it is usually in the silly fashion that I am displaying in this post.

But again, I digress.  I was searching for funny.  I know I left it laying around here somewhere. I will toddle off and see if I can’t get funny to come out and play with me.  I miss it.

When I find it you’ll be the first to know and if you should come across funny, please tell it I want it to come back.  Thanks.

Peace out, everyone.

 

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Hi Ho, Hi Ho…It’s off to work I go!


Ah yes!  Back to the corporate grind of earning my daily bread.  I am about as un-corporate as they come though.  No power suits for this gal.  No stilettos to make me look sexy and intimidating.  Not my style.  I am trying to rock the Chic Bohemian look and in all fairness, I really don’t know what that means, however, it sounds awesome so I’ll run with it.

I’ve run this term by my daughter a few times and she just gives me THAT LOOK then rolls her eyes toward the heavens.  With a bit of petulant attitude I toss my nose in the air and saunter off.

Seriously, I am fun to work with.  I need to be organized and try to will everyone over to my way of thinking.  This seldom works but can make for interesting dynamics in the workplace.  How many executives do you know that would tell those that they work with that resistance was futile and that they will be assimilated?  My co-workers look at me strangely as I stand there smiling maniacally at them.  “Do you like Jello?”

Confused they tell me yes.

“Do you love Jello?” I ask with devilish delight.

Of course they do.  “I am Strawberry Jello…you will love me and do my bidding!”

They shake their heads and smile sympathetically at me, then disperse. Now I am beginning to think that the Jello thing is a little too old to be effective anymore, a little to passe.  I will have to conjure some other manner to take over the world, starting with my workplace.

And you should have fun while working.  God knows we spend enough time out of our day there.  Wouldn’t you love to work with a woman who fancies taking over the world?

Of course I do understand how the economy stands today.  I know how it works and all that good stuff.  I also know that the economy as it stands today is NOT sustainable.  We need to change how we do business.  Yes, I have prattled on about this topic before and likely will again.  I won’t get into it today other than this honourable mention.

It’s good to be back at work.  Good to get back to challenging myself on any given day to get this place running smoothly.  It can be done!

I am feeling stronger everyday.  My energy is increasing and the shock the body has endured from losing the reproductive organs is slowly righting itself.  On Sunday I did a Kundalini meditation that was very powerful.

Sleep is beginning to balance out.  It’ll be great when I am past all of this.  These days too, I am researching clean foods to assist through chemo and radiation that is to come.  I have been drinking a shake / smoothie daily designed to detox and provide tons of nutrients.  I’ve heard it said that chemo can wreak havoc on the digestive system and nausea is a side effect.

I want to ensure what I consume will provide a ton of nourishment.  The thing with shakes/smoothies is that they are absorbed very quickly into the system.

Well, time to get to work.  Enjoy your day!

Peace.

 

Suspended….


I am feeling rather animated in an odd way these days.  By this, I mean that everything feels exaggerated to some degree.  I suppose this is a rather normal reaction, all things considered.  I don’t know.  There have been some tears this weekend.  My emotions are somewhat out of whack in that I am finding myself not quite as patient as I typically am.  Again, it makes sense on some level.  Still, I continue to make every effort to keep my composure.

My daughter and I were discussing a few things regarding the surgery yesterday.  She had read through all the handouts I had been supplied with and began a diatribe commenting on the contents.  This was rather amusing at times.  She told me to be nice to the nurses, that they are just doing their job.

I smiled at this.  Apparently I may have some emotional upheaval after the surgery.  I assured her that I would not kill, maim or assault any nurses.  A guarantee her that I would be on my best behaviour.

My daughter can be a bit of a ‘mother hen’ at times.  Quite often I find myself saying ‘Yes, mom’ to her.  Really very sweet.

Being that I am for the most part very balanced, I began to wonder just what I would feel directly after the operation. I personally think I will be tired and feel like crap. Yes, if I am in pain or discomfort I will let the nurses know…politely, with my usual congeniality.

She suggested that a ‘Thank you’ card be sent after the surgery.  I concur with this.  Showing your appreciation, particularly in matters such as this I believe is always welcomed.  I have a really strange sense of humour at times as you may know, so in the spirit of this I thought I would write a mock ‘Thank you’ note.  Enjoy!

Dear VGH Nursing Staff,

I would just like to thank you for your patience and understanding during my stay last week.  The drugs given had an odd effect on me.  That I kept stealing the rubbers gloves and blowing them up into balloons and playing air guitar with the heart monitor was simply out of the need to keep myself preoccupied and not think about the excruciating pain I was in.  I thought the cathedral that I built out of the tongue depressors that I took during my hourly walk about showed my attention to detail and ability to focus on the creative process rather exemplary.  It is regrettable that Nurse Ratchett found it necessary to destroy this exceptional piece of art work. 

I do apologize for my outburst after this event occurred.  Again, I am not typically as emotional or extreme as my one night stay indicated I may be.  I do appreciated that you let me play with my Jello and that many of you found it amusing. 

In any case, thank you for the care given.  My uterus and I were very close for 55 years so please understand the grief I felt at bidding adieu to these organs of mine.  Their sacrifice in taking on the cancer will always be remembered. 

So thank you all once again.  Oh, and if you’re still looking for the box of catheters that you were in a tizzy about….third shelf over behind the box of booties. 

Sincerely, Nancy

One thing I do know, humour will help you get through anything, no matter how dark.  That I would even be capable of performing any of the above….but thinking on it…the box of tongue depressors could be fun to play with.

Enjoy your day!  Happy Monday!

 

In Training (Day 52)….Somethin’ smelly ’round here


The eyes didn’t want to open.  They squinted at the illuminated numbers on the clock as if they were bright as the Sun.  Slowly consciousness followed the partially opened eyes to acknowledge that it was time to get up.

I was in the deepest of sleeps.  I felt as though I was emerging through several layers of….well, here is where the description fails me.  This doesn’t happen very often but when it does I often find it difficult to liken it to any one experience as it is so unique.

I guess I am between the waking world and the realm of sleep for an extended period of time.  This morning it lasted for about five minutes before I could shake myself from the dredges of sleep.

When I am in this state I am dreaming still and very cognizant of this fact.  And so I watched myself running naked down a moonlit beach that I have been to so many times before.  Beside me my beautiful companion the horse, and then I dive into the surf.  Descending quickly and a whale, of the humpback variety comes and slides up beneath me.  I slip onto the back of the whale and then we rise at an amazingly fast pace to the surface and the whale leaps clear of the water.   I am tossed high into the air and then begin my descent.

I watch as I laugh in delight.  I hear the piercing cry of a hawk and a huge red hawk slides beneath me then dives back to the beach where I am deposited.

Exhausted I am laying in the sand staring up at a million stars.  Marveling at the beauty before and around me. It feels as if I am in a different time, a different space.

All the while that I am watching this, I am gazing at the time on the clock then turn to gaze out my bedroom window.  My arms surround a pillow as I remain caught between two conscious states.

Then the image of me on the beach fades and I am brought fully into the wakened state.  I smile and become aware that the clock sounds like a truck backing up.  Beep! Beep! Beep!

Rising now I get ready and head into the City to get my workout on.  There was a beautiful full moon last night and I can still see a bit of it but clouds are moving over the ghostly white orb now.  The images I bore witness to in bed still strong in my mind.

And you know its funny, because everything just looks a little different right now.   A little sharper.

I had a decent workout and will be running tonight.  I look forward always to my running sessions.

After the gym I stopped and got my coffee and headed to the office.  Turning down the street close to where I work a skunk waddled out in front of my car so I slowed and let him pass.  We don’t usually see them at this time of the morning as it is light out now.

The skunk waddled up onto the sidewalk and I pulled up to the red light and watched as he turned down a walkway to a highrise.  Coming up the walkway was a well dressed man in a suit with briefcase in hand.  They stopped, both man and skunk, looked at the other then turned and ran.

I began to laugh.  Now there is a wall along this walkway that separates the building’s walkway from the public sidewalk which run parallel to each other.  Wouldn’t you know it.  They both turned and headed down the sidewalk meeting once again.  Now I was just howling as they both ran in the opposite direction yet again.

The man ran to the back of wall and waited until the skunk had made its choice.  It isn’t a high wall or anything.  Maybe three feet in height perhaps, so I could see him all the while with his eyes darting about.

I have been sprayed by a skunk before.  It is an unpleasant experience, so I understood his concern.  But this was just so delightful how it played out before me.  Comedically their timing was perfect.  I hope the little guy managed okay and got to his destination safely.

It was a wonderful little chuckle though that has left the smile on my face very much in place.  What a great beginning to this day.

Enjoy.

 

 

In Training (Day 39)….Hmmmmmm!


Last night I had a really good run with my group.  We did circuit training which is great strength training.  The one thing I am not very good at is doing ‘burpees‘.  This is an exercise that requires a decent amount of upper body strength as you are going down in a plank position, but kicking your legs out and back and then standing up again.  I am not very good at these.  We were using the roadside curb as well which is pretty low to the ground.

I did my best which was awkward. All I can do is put out my best effort.

My workout in the gym this morning was intense.  I really stepped it up.  The thing with my upper body though is that I have shoulder issues so I am contemplating physio or some form of therapy.  I will have to look into it a bit more.

As I was getting ready for work I gave the face a close inspection.  As I approach my mid-fifties I am noting white hairs growing out of the oddest places.   The tweezers came out to pluck the mustache that was beginning on one side of my mouth.  I checked under my chin but nothing was growing under there.  Spooky, eh?

I did a few facial exercises while in the shower trying to combat the jowling that is beginning to make an appearance.

Sounds tragic, doesn’t it?  It’s not so bad really.  I mean men lose the hair on their heads and then it grows out of their ears and nose!  Rather delicate places to have snip and cut, yes?  And of course there are those who fail to groom these areas.  Scary!

I think my half mustache issue began a few years back though.  I received a gift certificate for a mani-pedi.  The salon’s employees were very aggressive…asking if I wanted this or if I wanted that.  I had three of them working on me at one point.  Rubbing and massaging to the point where I was in a rather blissful state of relaxation.

“Shall I wax your mustache?”  the woman poised over me asked smiling.

I had just entered my fifties and was struggling with the whole concept and having something of a mid-life hiccup.  In that moment I was yanked from my blissful state and stared horrified at her.  “I have a mustache?”

She nodded.  Why had I never seen this thing?  And of course I gave my approval to wax poetic on my face that day.  God, they must have loved me.  I let them wax and pluck every visible orifice they could find.

Since that time I have had half a mustache that just sort of pops out every now and again.  At least I don’t have hair growing out of my nipples.  Now that would be painful.

There seems to be a revolt against hair though, don’t you think? When I was growing up long hair was all the rage.  The hairier the better.  Men had hair longer than a lot of women.  Now they are shaving it all off every part of their anatomy.  I find this most curious.  I love hair on a man.  Granted if it resembles a fur coat then yes, maybe a little shaving is in order.

Then you have women, some whom have decided to ‘go natural’ and let all the hair they have been shaving for eons just grow back in.  Hmmm!  Interesting.

I do the typical amount of shaving and plucking I suppose.  Now it would seem I just have a wee bit more to do.

Tomorrow is the commercial grab bag known as Valentines Day.  For those like me who are single, it is just another day.  Tomorrow I will be participating in One Billion Rising.  Globally we are hoping that one billion women will stand together against violence against women.

That such offenses still happen with so much frequency is deeply disturbing.  I will be at the Vancouver Art Gallery at noon tomorrow to stand with my sisters against these atrocities.

I invite women everywhere and men to stand in unison against this.  It’s time to eradicate this behaviour completely. It is not acceptable.  It never has been and it never will be.

I hope you will stand with me tomorrow.

Enjoy your day.

Snow Day! The Harrowing Tale of Commuting in the S***w!


Upon waking this morning I found a carpet of white outside on my deck.  The first snowfall had made it way to lower ground.  A change of plans will now occur.  I don’t drive in snow if I don’t have to.  I am actually quite good at driving in the snow, but nothing will give you grey hairs faster than having the guy in front of you spin out.  So the gym was out this morning.  Besides, I am running tonight.  My running clinic is having its final run of the year, then we break for two weeks.  Also we are having a party consisting of pizza, beer and prizes and of course good company.  So I will be there, for sure.

I got myself ready, packed up my gym bag, got my purse and headed out on the adventure of commuting in the snow.   Mmmmm!  It was so beautiful!  I wanted to throw myself down and make snow angels…. I had, however,  just done my hair so not advisable.  I opted to get off at Burrard Street Station and walk the remaining seven blocks.  Along the way I would get my morning coffee and a nibble as well.

I put the strap to my gym bag over my head to better secure it and to balance out the weight of my purse.  I love the first snowfall.  It is so magical and almost seems to be a bit of novelty.  I was smiling and quite happy.  About four blocks in my earring caught on my Ladybug pendant on the lapel of my coat.  I made this odd sound as my ear lobe stretched to about two inches longer than usual.  So with head tipped over to one side while I struggled to free my ear from the clutches of the pendant, I began to notice women who were dressed  quite chic looking in their winter attire.  Their scarves were just so and the collars of their coats were turned up fashionably.  Some wore head gear and their boots! Oh, the boots were just beautiful!

I was now walking down Robson Street much like Quasimodo might.  My head was leaning onto my left shoulder and I now had issues with the strap of my gym bag which was on that side as well.

The strap had cut across my boobs, so I now the left boob facing in a southeast direction while the right was positioned northwest.  The gym bag was bouncing around on my right buttock and my purse was smacking my right hip.  All around me women were making it look so easy!  Sigh!

Now my coat had managed to bunch up around my midsection as well.  I rose to the challenge, people!  I made it through.  Yessiree!

By the time I got into work, I looked like I had been on a trek through the Himalayas for two weeks straight trying to find a Starbucks!  And I did find one!  Triumphantly I blasted into the office while my frozen appendages turned various shades of red.  A crazed smile adorned my face likely matching the eyes that now have that demented glow to them.

I AM VICTORIOUS!

Tears of gratitude now stung the back of my eyes as I dropped to my knees and kissed the fake wooden floor.  Yet another harrowing tale of challenging the elements, all in the name of being a productive member of society so that I can pay my taxes, has been chronicled!

The joys of being an eccentric blonde.

Have a great day everyone!

 

Ghost Stories…’It was dark and stormy….”


In the spirit of All Hallows Eve (a.k.a. Halloween) I thought it might be fitting to tell you a ghost story of ghoulish delight.  Let’s check in with Marilyn….she will be the focus of our story today.  A bit of background on Marilyn…she died a most unpleasant death.  In the early 1800’s, she had braved the Atlantic and been a stow-a-way on a ship bound for the New World.  Landing in New York harbour, she had found it difficult to find employment being just 14 years of age, and so began her life of a crime.  Marilyn was growing to be quite a fetching young woman.  Her curves were in all the right places, mens’ intentions on the other hand were not.  By the age of 18 she was somewhat jaded and quite a successful pick-pocket.

Using her erstwhile charms while fleecing some fellow who was caught off guard and caught up in her feminine wiles became her signature.  And then Marilyn met David.  And her heart was lost to this noble young man who did not know she existed.  David was an artist of unbelievable talent and had earned a few commissions since arriving from Ireland.  It was tough in New York to eek out a living.  He had a kind heart and a gentle nature and was oddly attractive in a rather forlorn manner I suppose.

Marilyn had come running around the corner and plowed right into David knocking him and his tools hither and yon.

She had stopped and assisted him, taking note immediately of his quiet demeanor and that he was not angry that she had been so clumsy.  Marilyn could have lifted the man’s purse, and yet this time, she did not.

A brief conversation had ensued and she would learn that he was working on some waterscapes so to speak.  Over the course of the next month, Marilyn had slipped down to the docks to watch this young man set up his station and paint what was before him.  Once he had passed her by, and she had smiled at him and David had smiled back, yet there was no recognition on his part.

On a beautiful autumn day, Marilyn decided she must try to win this young man’s affections and so she adorned herself in her finest wear and made her way down to the dock.  David sat perched in his usual place and she made her way toward him.  Her gaze was focused on him and she was not aware of what was occurring off to the left of her.  She paid no mind to the frantic calls from the men up on the deck of merchant vessel that was being unloaded.

“Cannot hold on!” several men screamed trying in vain to hang onto a crate that easily weighed 1,000 lbs.  One of the ropes had given way that was supporting it as the crate was being lowered to the dock and the crate was now dangling precariously in the air.   The other rope could not sustain the weight and began to give way.  “Run!  Clear the area!” was screamed loudly and to all. The seven men on the dock and the five on board the vessel let go of the ropes just as the rope snapped.

It was at this moment Marilyn became aware of the ruckus and turned to her left.  The crate crashed to the docks about ten feet from where she stood and the massive rope swung with such force, catching her right across the throat and crushing her windpipe on contact.  She was thrown onto the dock’s by the force and as she laid there now dying, the young man David was at her side trying to provide comfort in her final earthly moments.

Marilyn did not want to leave, even while her soul was being torn from the vessel she had housed, she wanted nothing more than to stay in his arms.

And it was in that moment of want that the lovely Marilyn was tied to this earthly plane.  Doomed now to haunt the streets of the City over the next hundred or so years.

Of course, travel had afforded Marilyn the opportunity to see something of this world.  And while her body had decayed she had found that with a good dose of plasma, the hands of time could be turned back remarkably so.

She had made her way to the West Coast now.  Vancouver to be exact.  Some of the ghosts in these parts had displayed a certain level of hostility toward her upon arrival.  Well, at 178 years of age in ghost years, she was something of a veteran.  As far as Marilyn was concerned it was every ghost for themselves.

She moved with haste toward the Mansion on Davie Street.  Marilyn could not believe her good fortune to find this lovely home, abandoned…well, there had been a few undesirables that she had taken care of….but to find this lovely home just a few blocks from the beach!   Cursing, she reached down and picked up her arm and re-attached it.  Pausing for a moment she gazed at her reflection in a store window.  Her ear was a bit off as well.  She grimaced.  The doctor that supplied this last plasma transfusion had provided a really poor quality  product.

Marilyn’s favorite night of the year was arriving.  She could walk amongst the living on All Hallows Eve.  Zombies were all the rage this year and that was what she was dressing up as, so even if her ear did fall off, many would think it just a brilliant make up job.  She smiled at the notion.  Even with an infusion of poor plasma she could last for a few weeks in material form if she chose to.  They were going to do a zombie walk along the seawall, then down Denman Street and finish up over at the park on Coal Harbour.

As the witching hour approached Marilyn left the Mansion and made her way down to the Bathhouse where everyone was congregating.  Lantern at the ready, she smiled at the other participants and they smiled back complementing her on her costume.  And then something odd began to happen.  Everyone began to move away from her.  Eyes widening in horror.  What the hell was wrong with these people?  Had they never seen a zombie before?  She picked up her pace and now they began to scream.  Oh, silly humans, she muttered and screamed as well.  Now the living began to run.  Marilyn was rather put off at this.  Then she stopped having caught her reflection in a pane of glass.  She was fading in and out.  At times, she was whole and then only half of her would be showing.

The warnings had been coming for years.  Plasma transfusions would eventually be of no benefit.  Over the years she had needed a stronger dose each time.  Now it would appear, no matter how strong the dose,  Marilyn could no longer hold the human form.  Well then, she mused.  If she was going to go out, it would be with a bang.  Time to rattle some chains.  With an unearthly wail she ran after the humans dressed as zombies.  She laughed manically as they cried and sobbed.  Oh this was delightfully fun, she decided.  With a thundering voice she wailed, “I am the ghost of English Bay…those who trespass upon this ground shall know my wrath!   Particularly those who mimic me!” And she pointed a finger that faded on then off again at the crowd.  Chasing them toward down toward the park in Coal Harbour she got in front of them now and the mass of people came to a stop.

Marilyn was laughing quite gaily now.  “Seriously folks,” and she did her best Groucho Marx, “Go on and have good time and be back here next year or I’ll come lookin’ for you!”

Then off she went to freak out a few more party goers.  A legend was born this night and Halloween down in the West End would never, ever be the same!

Happy Halloween everyone!