Back In Training (Day 64)….The Halfway Point

I am about halfway through this quest to come into my optimum health on all levels.  How am I doing?

In many ways I feel like I have already run a marathon backwards and at other times I feel like a hamster in a wheel.  I am running furiously but getting no where.  The things that have cropped up emotionally I have accepted, and have begun to work through.  I currently have a variety of emotional blockages to clear.  The visual that I had for this process is far different from reality that I am living.

After a week of being sick I went for my run yesterday.  I was supposed to run 12.5 km but I opted for the one hour walk/run class.  We covered about half the distance.  This was a 3 1/2 minute run and 1 1/2 minute walk cycle.  And my legs felt like I had moon boots on.  That a virus can sweep through your body and suck all the energy out of it making it seem as if you’ve never run a step in your life is amazing to me.

This will be a transition week for me.  I will likely do another walk/run session on Tuesday and then on Friday I will run 5 km.  If I can get three workouts in at the gym as well by Sunday I should be able to run with the pace group I have been training with.

I had thought this would go far smoother than what it has.  The final challenge to lose all those inhibitions.  Oddly enough that fortress of comfort I have designed for self is not that easy to shed.  The final remnants of insecurities, doubt and fear are hanging on like blood suckers determined not to be discarded.  Consequently I almost feel like I’ve been standing still this whole time even though I know I have made progress.  These days I must remind self constantly that I am strong enough to get through this.  That my vulnerability is one of my greatest strengths.  To be able to stand naked to this world and say this is who I am and I like it.  To be able to listen to my heart and if it tells me to beware, then I should listen and guard myself accordingly.  It is, I am finding, a delicate balance.

Yesterday I felt so weak.  As though I were beginning at the start once more.  What I realized as I dug deeper with the legs exhausted near the end that its okay if I start at the beginning again.  I really don’t mind it at all.  Perhaps there was a vital piece of information I missed the last time through that I will gain is this go round.

And while at the moment I feel like a blow fish with moon boots on, I will persevere.  I am adaptable and I will rise to the challenge.  Again, at the outset of this challenge I had no idea what I would like crossing the finish line.  It is even more of a mystery now.

Stay tuned…..


The Other Side of Something

This morning as I was preparing to go for my run, for just a very brief moment I connected to the 12 year old girl who used to love to get up and go for a run.  It was as if, in that moment that I was tying my shoes, I was my 12 year old self again.  There were many things I didn’t know about running at that time and a life full of things I could not have even begun to imagine.  What I did I know back then is that running gave me a sense of freedom.

When I began running again a few years ago, I ran on Tuesday evenings with my clinic then on the weekend.  Last year when I was training for the Coho Race which is a 14k, I knew I had to step it up to three times per week.  I really thought it might be best to run in the morning at 5:00 AM.  Get it out of the way, you know?  Working all day, then going to run on your own, well I saw too many opportunities to convince myself that I was too tired, too busy, just too….

You get the idea and we’ve all been there when we are setting up our workout routines.  I decided upon Friday mornings.  In the beginning I thought this would be a really difficult thing to do.  Get up at 5:00 AM and go for a 5k jaunt.  But you know, a funny thing happened.  I fell in love with this time that I set aside to run.  It has become such a personal thing to me.  It is sort of like my weekly check-in with the world around me.  I am greeting the day in the dark of morning now.  I feel a connection to all that is around me and a small smile plays about my lips.  I have finished my warm up run and am stretching a wee bit before I get into the run itself.  I am blessed. I know this.

Despite all the dark moments in my life, for which there has been many, I have come out to the other side and found this quiet beauty, this quiet peace.  It welcomes me and I move into this energy’s embrace.

These days I am still working through my emotional blockages.  I wish I could tell you that it gets easier.  It doesn’t.  But the thing that I do know is that once I move through it, the reward is humbling in its beauty.  And I gain strength in self from these moments.

As I ran this morning,  I embraced my 12 year old self.  At 12, my world could be a very frightening place.  My world was falling apart and I really didn’t know it.  But as the years progressed and everything around me shattered I had no idea what to do or how to change it.  I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling and just wished that someone would tell me that everything was going to be okay.  I can now assure this part of myself that we are definitely moving in the right direction and everything is going to be just fine.

And as I ran this morning with the universe surrounding me, I felt that freedom that has always come with this action.  I am coming out on the other side of something and I have just got to say, I like it.  It’s good.
Have fabulous day!  Peace out.