Sunset, November 28, 2016 in Richmond , BC
I have not written much in the last six months. In fact, I’ve not been writing much at all in any capacity.
Understand that it is not a lack of ideas. This head of mine never turns off, and there are times where I dearly wish it would take a break.
No, the ideas just pile up. When I slip into bed they fight for position and I promise to commit them all to the page so that I can get some much needed rest. At some point I will.
Been a tough year and half though. And at some point I had to finally accept that I am human after all. And I’ve been far too human for the majority of my life. What do I mean by this?
The pain of being incomplete…at least in my head. The pain of rejection, of not being loved by those who would impact my life directly (i.e. family), and the desire to just be whole.
So the quest was taken on and in 2010 such a major breakthrough!
I was soaring. Finding aspects of myself I’d never known and growing in every way imaginable. I was tearing down walls and breaking chains that had confined for a lifetime and I was scared shitless at all the emotions and moods that were enveloping me.
I produced my first book, was running 1/2 marathons and taking control of my life in a way I’d never done before. I liked who I was becoming…loved the direction I was moving in.
Then physical ailments hit me. Heart issues…a stent was inserted and then uterine cancer.
But I took these on the chin. I wasn’t prepared to let them take me down.
In January 2015 I had been working with a trainer for 3 months and had started back with my running group when the car accident happened.
But it wasn’t just that. It was being let go from a position I’d held for 5 1/2 years because chemo had messed up my focus. It was taking on a job that was far too stressful considering my physical issues…it was the a back injury that compounded all the issues and then the condo I owned having no hot water and a serious special assessment needing to be paid out.
I’ve never had a back injury. Finding myself in a position where just going for a walk left me in agony was so tough to deal with. I was trying desperately to hang onto what…I wasn’t too sure.
2015 was such a bad year for me. I toughed it out though. I had to. In typical fashion I figured I could do everything myself. HA!
Oh yes, I kept records for ICBC. I tried to get back my health only find I was worse off. Then depression hit. I was sinking. I was let go from the stressful job unceremoniously and without cause. My confidence was non-existent.
Between Cancer treatment and my pity parties I had put on 80 lbs. I felt and looked awful. I was in pain constantly and started to wonder if it all the shit was worth it. I was spending money irresponsibly.
I found another job after a few months but I was scared. My old place was sinking me and I was drowning in debt.
In the New Year I saw my place fixed up and sold it by mid-April. Paid down a big chunk of my debt and got set up in my new home, which I love!
Still, I was moving a frenetic pace. A new program at work…a reunion,..getting back on track with my health and trying to deal with behaviours that had reared their heads once again.
And now I’m sitting here hoping that my tenacious attitude to try and deal and resolve all this will succeed this time. And I pledge that I will never give up on whatever it is I am supposed to give back to this world.