Do we move in circles and dream in colour?
I know I do.
The past couple of years have challenged me on virtually every level. In 2010 I took on the greatest transition of my life and that was to accept myself as whole. It would take me up until about a month ago to realize I’d been successful in this endeavour.
I also realized it doesn’t stop there.
There is so much more depth, so much more life, so much more everything.
Then the health issues arose
The heart issues made me feel vulnerable and frail.
Well this made me feel as though I’d been invaded. And the treatment of it made me feel ugly. I felt as if the beautiful soul I was discovering slipped from my sight back into the abyss of my subconscious.
I began once again to have the doubts I’ve lived a lifetime with and as per usual, I hid what I was feeling and I hid it very well.
I was recovering from the brutality of the cancer treatment, running again, taking back my health when the accident occurred.
It felt like a kick…
Last year was tough. Really tough. I’d released my book but found myself unable to concentrate on the game plan to market it.
The building I live in needed to be re-piped and this was costly.
The cement blocks of depression moved in once again making everything in my life feel unbearably heavy.
And fear. Always at the edge of my ego waiting to blossom if it gets the chance.
I didn’t listen to my body insisting that it needed for me to take a break. Unfortunately that has been a hard lesson to learn for me.
I took a week off after my heart procedure in 2011. I took two weeks off after having a full hysterectomy (uterine cancer) 2013 and the only took the days off that I was in a chemo session.
I took no time off after the accident.
Why? Well that’s fear for you. It comes in all forms. I was afraid to slow down and deviate from all the projects and social events I was attending. I was afraid to tell my workplace that I couldn’t concentrate. I was terrified when I was enveloped by the ‘chemo fog’ that I would never get the recall I once had that had been instrumental to my success thus far in this life.
Today I feel a calm I’ve not felt in a very long time. I’m releasing the anxiety that has bound me. What will be, will be. I’m trying to find that presence of mind and balance. Health issues are still being determined.
But I feel good. And I know that I’ll be okay. I don’t know how…I just do. I won’t fret about tomorrow or be anguished about my past. I only have this moment. Why should I expect anything else?