Have you ever felt that you’re getting back on track with everything in your life when another rabbit hole appears in the road and swallows you?
I enjoyed the holidays. I kept it very low key this year. Quiet and reflective celebrations were the order of the day. I did have a few days, however, where I just felt sad. I just let myself feel it regardless of where those emotions were emerging from. They could well just be echoes from the past moving through me.
Time to get back to the grind and get back to life and living.
Pain still exists from the car accident that occurred close to a year ago. I need to take my health back . All of it.
I have concerns and more than anything these days I feel tired. And I’m not going to hide behind the mantle of my age as the notion of this is poppycock!
Age has nothing to do with how I feel.
I’m mulling the previous year’s trials and tribulations over in my head. Oh, there are definitely a few things that I would have responded to differently but as with everything in this life it’s about moving forward not back.
There are times when how I feel scares me. I’ll have moments of anger, moments of hurt, moments of painful conflict. There are certain things I don’t like to feel. I do understand why as well.
When I was younger I had no handle on my emotional self. Indeed, I was something of a loose canon that seemed to self-combust on far too regular basis. It’s those extremes that haunt me and perhaps create the knee-jerk reaction I sometimes experience at an overwhelming emotion. Hence, I try to distance myself and push it away.
I am trying now to get back to optimum health. This is something that, in all honesty, I’ve never truly experienced. Optimum health to me is experiencing wellness on every level of being physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, sexually and spiritually connected.
Balance. Being present, aware…
I’ll feel a bit of fear creeping in and try harder still.
Ultimately that freakin’ rabbit hole appears and I find my balance in jeopardy and rather precarious.
Still I keep taking more on and the expectations I hold myself to are perhaps a little bit too much at times. I stare across the landscape of my being and see a tapestry of repairs and quick fixes as ideas and thoughts assail me from every angle.
“Don’t eat white food.”
“Don’t eat carbs after 12 noon.”
“Walk 10,000 steps daily!”
“Live in the moment…now!”
“That person I saw in the blue car had an interesting face.”
“Put everything out to the universe…surrender.”
“Good energy…good energy…good energy…”
“Positive energy will come back in abundance.”
“Just love…love dammit…Just Love!”
“Will this be returned?”
“Don’t think like this! Be positive!”
“Why do I feel like crying?”
“I should be happy, shouldn’t I?”
All of these things ran through my head in quick successeion as I took my Christmas Tree down, boxed up everything and cleaned.
Odd what moves through my mind at any given moment.
I wanted to get the house ship shape so to speak and stopped when the pain in my back was unbearable.
Still I did manage to get quite a bit done. I pushed forward focusing on some other things that required my attention.
It was back to work and the week has been a productive one.
And I sitting here feeling disenchanted, heavy, obtuse, irrelevant and foolish?
Placing my fingers against my temples I gently rub my forehead. “Please, just go away. I don’t want to feel these things.”
I just want to live and do so fully.
I checked out Banyen Books events page. They have some interesting spiritual talks coming up. Perhaps I need to start there.
Often we think that if we start with physical self the rest will follow. Perhaps I’ll start with repairing my spiritual centre and work on the physical aspect at the same time.
Onward. Namaste. Peace.