For those of you who have followed this blog, you’ll note I’ve not been very active lately on this forum.
I am feeling scattered these days.
I’m once again unemployed and it happened rather suddenly and unexpectedly.
And I find myself once again looking for direction. I’ve traversed this path a time or two. I’m missing something , for example, the kazillion red flags that seem to go up a few months in.
Do I pay them mind? No. I buckle down and get to work.
And as the quick sand swallows me, do I admit that perhaps my choice may have been marred by echoes from my past?
No. I sink ever deeper fighting all the way dammit.
And even as I can see the writing on the wall…after all it’s now flashing neon at me…do I admit that I may have erred on this?
It is usually at this point when I begin to reconcile all the red flags that have come prior to this moment as I accept that my days are numbered and the madness I’ve been entrenched in must surely come to an end.
I was at a Toastmaster meeting this evening and one of our members mentioned the necessity of a ‘F-IT’ list.
Quite simply, write down all the things that you don’t want in your life.
And at this moment I’m conflicted like never before. Should I start my own business? Should I take something else? Should I focus more on my writing?
The thing that has been lacking with the three places I’ve worked at over the last 10 years has been communication. I’ve been tossed a mess and I’ve cleaned it up with virtually no direction from those who hired me.
And while these relationships seem to begin on a good enough note, they start to go south when I begin to realize the depth of the problems and try to discuss it.
In truth this is when I should be walking out the door…no, make that running, as at this point there have been a few substantial problems that have already cropped up prior to this.
And while I’ve always honoured the job and left the position in excellent shape for whomever follows in my stead, at times it has a hollow resonance to it.
I can’t go back though and I don’t want to. Now I just gotta figure out what I’m doing moving forward.
Even my blog, for example.
It began as a way to become a better writer. I believe I’ve achieved this in a big way. It was never a popularity contest even though I felt quite neglected a time or two. I’ve voiced this point of view a few times.
And I accepted that I’m not good at the marketing side of this whole blog thing and I’m still abysmal at it.
This blog has become, to some degree, an online journal. I’ve simply shared and recorded the last 3 1/2 years of my life much the way I’ve recorded the previous 54 years which is through the written word.
I really need to focus on my writing in a big way. I need to focus on my physical and emotional well being in a big way.
I’ve been out of work four weeks and it occurred to me that I could have written a first draft in that time.
Instead, I’ve been curled up on my sofa. I have not been feeling very good…some weird cold thing.
Dr. Phil is pissing me off, Ellen is too bloody happy, Dr. Oz is driving me to madness and they just keep yelling at each on The View.
And why the hell am watching this stuff anyway? I could be penning the next bestseller!
Actually I’ve already penned and published a bestseller…just that no one knows this yet! I need to change that.
It’s back to the lab. Time to reinvent the wheel…again. Perhaps I’ll actually get it to work this time out. And by this, metaphorically I am the wheel. I was really close this last time out so I’ll go back…tweak it and get back out there.