“Find your authentic truth.”
These words were uttered a couple of years ago and they stuck as I was seeking that essence of my being that had been shut down and placed in stasis. Feeling half alive or rather just existing was no longer enough.
I wanted more.
A hunger was born.
A need to discover. And I was driven by an insatiable curiosity to find my purpose
Sounds rather intense, doesn’t it?
In truth it has at times been quite awkward and my sudden recollections and admissions were at times quite juvenile upon their awakening.
But then again, how could they be otherwise? I may well be in my fifties but adopting a new way to look at this world and how I function in it?
Well, you have to go back to the point when your first thoughts were secured about this world, of how you were taught that it worked and then question the foundation of that.
So yes, it can be quite juvenile and innocent in its evolution as you change your way of thinking. There is sweetness to it though, a jubilation as those first spears of clarity shoot through you. There are several emotions that will move through you.
There can be a sense of deceit. What you should keep in mind too is that the borders that you are born into will dictate to a large degree how you’ll be expected to perform in this world.
Then as you question this you’ll have a sudden vision of how this world should function…according to you but is it a healthy vision or one of imminent destruction?
Questioning your foundation is a tough thing to do on any level. Had you been raised believing the world was flat, as this was indeed once the norm, consider the main stream response when they were advised that this was not the case. The landscape before them was flat enough. Should they walk for miles, indeed the land would still appear quite flat.
Yet someone had the edacity to state the world was round, and furthermore they could prove it! There was no end of the world that you would fall off of, no oblivion to fear. So we created our heaven and hell and our purgatory. Sometimes I wonder if indeed these ideologies were created to offset the discovery of certain truths.
And we want an explanation for everything, yes?
Sometimes we want so badly to believe in something, anything…don’t we?
Tell me you love me and mean it. Tell me that everything will be okay even though this myth of life that I had adopted was crumbling about my feet and I will believe you
Despite the evidence to support the imminent destruction, I don’t want to see it. I will refuse to buy what my eyes tell me.
I sit empty and devoid of any emotion.
How could everything that I so wanted in my life slip away so catastrophically?
Maybe, just maybe, that is not what I needed in my life. The myth of happiness could not be found on the path I was exploring.
Maybe, just maybe my passion and truth would be better directed toward a truth that was in fact born to me. And so the internal inquiry began.
Perhaps the quest, the aspect of this life that I had missed was opening myself to that truth that was inherent to me and inherent to this world that I inhabit.
And now I must ask myself how can I better serve this world? How can I give back? How can I assist in its evolution to a better place, an honest place, a natural place?
And I’ll likely spend the rest of days given to me attempting to do just that and to do so with loving and forgiving heart.
We’ll always kill. It is indeed a part of this world. But we are different. We have reason, we have logic, or so we are lent to believe, and we have so many fundamentally intrinsic idiosyncrasies in comparison to our animal counterparts. Yet it is what we do to each other that confounds me. The cruelty that we display is at times so discouraging and the creative manner by which we as humans can kill another.
Well it leaves me speechless.
Tonight the geminides will be occurring. And a perfect night for it. The sky is clear. Let the meteorites rain upon us! All I have to do is stay up for another four hours.
I just may do that.