October 31, 2014
It is Halloween in these parts and I have just safely made my way back to the homestead despite the streets crawling with ghostly goblins and ghoulish devils. Of course there were the tiny superheroes and dinosaurs traipsing about as well.
The adult variety began to hit the streets as the little ones slipped off to inspect their haul.
Well dressed leopards and debonair tigers walked hand in hand to local pubs and restaurants to celebrate some playful events that were underway. We have a Paddlewheeler boat that offers cruises up and down the Fraser River.
I went for a walk along the boardwalk and saw the boat decked out in webbing with an eerily lit backdrop. Catwoman, a cowgirl and a witch were having a debate of sorts.
I will be donning ghoulish attire tomorrow as I am attending a costume party.
It’s been a busy week at the office and I am convinced that the dot matrix printer they have is indestructible. Those things never seem to quit, do they? I’m looking forward to saying a fond fair well to the thing.
They never agreed with me and so you can understand my reticence at using them and yes, I admit that I am somewhat intimidated by the thing as well.
Make a mistake and there is no stopping them. They grind through paper horrifically sounding much like a buzz saw.
In any case, tomorrow is another day and I will have to summon up the courage to once again attempt to dominate the damn thing or at least get it to play along.
During dinner I listened to the news of the day.
A scandal is brewing. A CBC personality, Jian Ghomeshi was fired a week ago. Apparently it has something to do with his sexual preferences, sexual play, etc., and the roughness of it? Seems he gets off on choking and smacking women in the face.
In any case, Ghomeshi filed a $50 million dollar law suit against the CBC for the firing and wants his job back. He also posted a 1,000 word defensive on his Facebook page. Hmmm.
He went on his Facebook page and stated that all his sexual encounters were consensual, and so on, and so on.
Jian states that he has been exploring BDSM. And that’s cool. I’ve no problem with that. Whatever two people (or three, or four, or…) choose to do is totally up to them, as long as it’s consensual.
Well, here we are five days later and nine women have come forward to claim they were subjected to demeaning and violent behavior that was not consensual. Some of these events occurred as far back as ten years.
Yet none of them filed charges.
Now personally I don’t fully understand the dominate and submissive relationship but in all fairness I will not judge anyone based on what rocks their world. And who am I to say what should or should not occur intimately between two consenting adults?
I am currently writing my second book, a fiction, that is in fact exploring these very issues. I am actually quite curious about how we arrive at our sexual preferences. It is the ultimate human mystery, is it not? I guess what intrigues me the most is the wide spectrum of avenues that encompass the sexual experience.
We are all looking for the ulitmate Big-O. How we achieve this sexual peak is as varied as the mythological component of what it should in fact be.
Orgasms vary as much as our sexual appetites and they are never the same. Sometimes they are amazingly intense and then they can be slow and subtle in their release.
Back in the 1990’s during a year long depression that engulfed me, I read over 200 romance novels. In truth, I don’t know why as I am not all that fond of romance novels. In the course of that year, however, I gained a knowledge of this writing formula and began to recognize the pattern very clearly and came to understand why some stories didn’t work and why others were quite enjoyable.
Still what drove me a little nuts were the ‘love’ scenes.
Every fucking virgin in those books was impaled by the man she really hated but secretly wanted and had orgasms that were incredibly explosive. Oh, they saw stars and understood the secret to life in that moment and were inexplicitly tied forever to this man and he was in kind tied to her.
Did they live happily ever after? Well, first you have to ask your self does that indeed exist?
In my world, not bloody likely.
But we can debate that. To me happiness is a state of mind that comes in varying degrees. I do know that if you’ve experienced sadness and pain, you’ll appreciate happiness that much more. In fact, you’ll hold it so close to you that at times you’ll want to covet it.
Happiness is and always has been what we all seek, yes?
And like everything in this life how that looks to each of us varies incredibly so.
So if you like your sex rough, enjoy the sting of a spanking then good on you.
More extreme? That’s fine too.
In the interviews I’ve conducted in order to develop characters that are honest in their sexuality, what I’ve found is that the most important aspect in these relationships is trust.
Verbally what a dominant and submissive agree upon is really sacred between them. In fact, it is the key to their relationship.
If you stand back and take a general look at all relationships they are or should be based upon this principle. It is key.
Sometimes though when it goes sideways, we want so much for things to snap back to that beautiful beginning, that enticing moment that briefly had us believing that this was the real deal. In fact we may well have hungered for it. As a result we consequently stick our heads proverbially in the sand refusing to see that what began to blossom has now been lost.
Perhaps some of these women thought they’d like to explore this side of their sexuality. It has that taboo to it. It’s mysterious and to some degree, incredibly provocative.
We hear things and develop a curiosity. There is that wonder if we are in fact missing out on making the Big-O even better. If we’re not experiencing these dynamic orgasms several times during our sexual play then surely we are missing something, aren’t we?
Cosmopolitan magazine has been recycling the same information in their articles for years on how to pleasure a man and have the ultimate orgasm.
During my youth I read these articles and tried desperately to build the mystery of sexual prowess based upon such initiatives.
Sex education really didn’t exist in my youth and sadly many of us along with the younger generation are still very much ill informed.
What I have come to understand is that through the intimate exploration of yourself will you begin to divine the truth of your own sexuality.
As my daughter began to move through the pains of adolescence to that of a young woman, copies of Cosmo began to litter the kitchen table. I would peruse the pages and yes, much of what I’d read at her age was still contained within the confines of the magazine though the words had been tossed about to make the ideas seem new and fresh.
Sadly, I found the deal for women even more challenging.
The standard to be sexually desirable had risen to exacting standards.
What was happening to us?
And as the chains of sexual preferences began to loosen and we began to accept and even ponder more extreme sexual behaviours, many of us thought to explore this realm.
I can recall dating a fellow a few times in Edmonton. I was about 21 years old at the time. I didn’t have a clue about the dominant / submissive thing as this was still very much in the closet and personally, I’d never heard of such things.
So things were getting hot and heavy by the third date or so. A lot of kissing and heavy petting began to take place. We directed it into his bedroom.
The room was dark as we fell onto the bed. He stopped then and rose to turn on the light. The red glow of the bulb caused a shiver to run up my spine as I took in my surroundings.
Rubber sheets adorned the bed and one wall painted a dark brown was adorned with whips, cuffs, ropes, etc.
He asked if I’d like to explore this. I was rather horrified and offered up a flat out ‘No’ and I collected my belongings to take my leave. I didn’t have a predilection for this.
He was gracious and at no time did he try to force anything on me.
The idea of someone hurting me for pleasure was not something I understood, nor did I want to explore these merits.
Now I come back to this Jian Ghomeshi thing. Nine women have come out, not to the police, but through social media claiming abuse.
The police have launched an investigation asking these women to provide them with information. No charges have been laid at this time.
And I’m pissed off.
Jian, get it together. If you have a preference…lay it out. Make it clear what floats your boat. Is what you’re into really sexual exploration or are you just a sick fuck that likes to hurt and scare the shit out of women?
To the women, yes, I know he is a celebrity and he’s attractive. If you were curious about this experience and it went sideways then guess what? You are like so many of us.
Then there is the shame factor. You know, I get it. I’ve put myself into positions that were frightening and hate to admit my gullability.
What I am trying to say is that we make mistakes. We find ourselves in the midst of something that was not anticipated and we don’t know how to respond.
I must ask Jian this question. You claim to be ’50 Shades’ but much softer.
For the record in my opinion, ’50 Shades’ is a badly written romance, nothing more.
If this really is your preference then you really need to conduct yourself accordingly and show some respect for your partners. And for the record, it’s not just about your pleasure. As stated, if you get off on smacking women around, then you might well have a sadistic side to you that borders onto sociopathic behaviours and has nothing to do with sexual preference.
Those individuals that I’ve come to know who involve themselves in these activities are highly intelligent and loving. They hold themselves to a very high standard
What I’m pissed off about is that Jian Ghomeshi seemingly thinks he can have his way in every instance…and I’m pissed off that one of these women didn’t come forward sooner.
It strikes a bad cord with me. Are we, as women, still just fucking victims?
Is this when we feel empowered when some schmuck is spiraling downward? Do we now feel vindicated?
That Jian left so many women with this feeling of remorse and shame over their encounter speaks only to our disconnect and shows that we are no further ahead than we were 25, 35 or 50 years ago.
And for any woman or man for that matter, that finds themselves in a sexual encounter of sorts that becomes abusive and that they did not consent to, then leave and go to your nearest medical facility to be checked over and then file charges.
You just may save someone’s life.
**NOTE: I’ve taken several of the images for this piece from the internet. I Googled ‘images sexuality’ and was amazed by the number of book covers I found there. It also struck me on how much of a mystery our sexuality still it.