English Bay Aug 31 049

Much has been going on in this head of mine, in this life of mine, though it seems oddly muted. I’ve been focused on securing a position with another company and I may have succeeded. Next Monday I will be going for a second interview.  Always a good thing if they want to see you again.

And I’m at peace with the rest of it.

I’ve not been able to grow in the position I’m currently in.  I realized that for more than two years I’ve been fighting, defending the job that I am doing.  But why?  And what came to mind was that I was never able to actually do the job I was hired to do.  The partners simply wanted to dictate to me how they wanted it done.

And you see, that doesn’t quite cut it with me.  Hire someone to manage but don’t allow them the freedom to do so?  Redundancy is expensive.

Today at the interview I went to, I felt that spark that I’ve not felt in a good long while. The challenge was laid out, however subtly, the seed planted.

He wants someone who will roll up their sleeves and make certain things happen. He found his candidate for the job.  Just let me do it.

And while he spoke of some of the job costing and tracking they would like to get a handle on, visions of spreadsheets danced in my head.

I like working. I really do.  But I need to feel that what I’m contributing is valid and useful.  Over the past few years I’ve found myself in the hamster wheel running as if the fires of hell have been biting at me behind.

Then I realized I was in some strange version of hell.  When the chains bind to the point that new thoughts and ideas of any kind are quickly extinguished, frowned upon. Painful.

The rest of the ‘hurt’ feelings that I am experiencing are simply ego driven.

It is that echo from a lifetime to the person who sought out and lived for praise and acknowledgement, desperately so.

In the last year my enthusiasm has diminished so much.  Then again, every cruel word spoken was like a poisoned barb that stung feeding the resentment, feeding the mistrust.

And all of this while the effects and treatment of cancer raged through me.

Time to surrender the past to where it belongs and move forward to the life the beckons.  And what I see, ah, it is so good!

It is time to embrace it.  Let it fill my every being.

English Bay Aug 31 007

It is my hope that I can report back to you that I’ve secured a new position before leaving the old.

And all the emotions that have been roiling about.

To those of you at my work place who’ve pushed me each day, if I could tell you how many times I’ve felt discarded, worthless and unimportant in my life…would it matter.  Probably not.  If I could tell you the fear I felt over the last year, would you understand?

There has been a push on to have a host of things done immediately.  There is a panic on their end. I can feel it.

If they hire someone to replace me upon my absence, I assure you this.  I will sue them.

Now understand this is not out of spite. I know I need to be gone from there. Should I get this position on Monday I will be deliriously happy, but you know, where does it end?

Can you continually treat people like pond scum and not expect repercussions?

I’ve been tormenting over this.  The unfairness.  The disregard. The manipulation.  Oh, they want me go to quietly into that good night.  A hearty handshake and a kick in the ass like so many before me.

There is a part of me that just wants to walk away.  There is a part of me, however, that insists should they breach this ‘parting’ and bring another in…

Well, it’s wrongful dismissal then, isn’t is? And I have it in writing. I’m tired of being treated as ‘less than’.  Nobody should be treated in that manner.  Ever.

And that is why I will take legal action should they breach the conditions of my termination.  And it really isn’t an emotional thing, though it feels as such.  It is, in my mind, a human thing.  A respect thing.  An honour thing.

So you build the best building in the world?  If you’re and asshole, all you’ll have to carry the memory of your life are buildings that will one day crumble.

I would prefer to be remembered for what was in my heart, for the smile on my face, for the time I held a stranger close or was spellbound by a sunrise or sunset.

June 21, 2014 646

The genius of erecting a building, well, I’ve never seen anything built in our firm that took my breath away.  They are very good at what they do. I will not deny this.

Understand that this is the artist in me.  The romantic in me that speaks.

Bodiam Castle sits with a moat around it and provides visions from Arthurian Legends. Built in 1385 it still stands today in East Sussex, England.

caslte 2Bodiam-Castle-1505

I’ve only seen photos, but to me…this is architecture…this is legend.

In 1,000 years will the concrete and glass structures the firm I work for still be standing?  Will any of what we’ve built remain?

Don’t know.

2014-04-09 13.13.30

But these words that I write, well yes, in a 1,000 years they could well still exist now couldn’t they?  But will they be understood?

It’s a tough call.

My point is simple really.  Why, in God’s name, can we not treat each other with respect.  Why, particularly in the work place, can employees not be given the dignity they deserve.

Employers may be surprised at the productivity they induce by treating those they hire with respect and decency.

And beyond this, I just want to expand. I’m not perfect.  In fact, perfection is a myth.  Perfection is an ideal.  Yet it is a marketing tool.

I can guarantee you that I will continue to make mistakes in this life.  Hopefully their severity will be minimal and they will be of the garden variety.

As I drove through the night, many things passing through this head of mine.  Trying to process, trying to validate and lay to rest so many thing.

‘Runaway Train’ filtered over the radio and I found myself tearing up. The past yet again haunting.  (See link to video below)

Will I ever break free of the pain?

Much to be done in the next while.  I won’t take myself to task for feeling what I do.  It only make me that much more human.

IMG_4179Cruise May 9, 2014 498

And as dawn breaks I will throw my arms open in surrender  to the beauty of a new day and give thanks to the life source that infuses me, to the air, the earth, the trees, the ground, to the horse that stands beside me always.  And mostly I will dedicate this heart to be loving and forgiving in all our undertakings.







5 thoughts on “Contemplation

  1. I am sorry you are going through this pain. Focus on what’s ahead. In the right situation none of this will be a problem. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts and feelings. Reading this really moved me.


    • Thanks Jonanne. My last day of work is the 29th at the Architectural firm. The thing I can’t help but wonder about is why some employers still treat their employees like paid slaves with no regard for who they are a person. Baffling and equally disturbing that we are still quibbling about such things. I feel very good about this prospective job. Keep you posted!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s