A Look Back


2014-02-18 17.24.09

Today I read a few of my past blogs.

I had posted about the Sun Run earlier today.  I had commented on my appearance a year ago.  How I knew – deep down – that something wasn’t right.

I then I checked out my entry post for May 9th, 2013.

There were two entries that day.  The day began with me on a high.  I was still coming off of running the 1/2 Marathon and was recovering.

And I was so damned focused before, during and after that race.

When I began training I was shooting for optimal health.  That was the challenge and I was committed.  It was a challenge to myself, my well being.  Nothing more.

And when things started to go sideways, well I just pushed through.

I am dogged in my determination. I know that.  The hope of who and what I would be at the finish line was very different from the reality of the situation.

Deer Lake Morning Fog Oct 19 135

Training requires commitment and dedication.

I learned an awful lot about myself in the fifteen week period that I trained and I am certain that ever body does.

You learn your strengths, your weakness’, your endurance, your faith…

Most of all you learn about humility, about suffering, and of perseverance..

Going into this, I saw myself attaining a super healthy body, mind, etc.  I saw an uber buff woman kickin’ it and on a mission to challenge herself to be her very best.

What I was at the finish line a year ago was a woman who had, despite a life threatening illness, finished this thing.  And don’t let the looks fool you.  She was always at her best.

I was a woman who recognized  her vulnerabitly, her humanity and her existence and prayed that it would be extended.  I understood so completely the gift of life and my appreciation for it evolved that much more.

And perhaps the training I did for the 1/2 Marathon prepared me for what was to follow.

Just four days later the words that were uttered sent me into a tailspin whether I want to admit it or not.

“You’ve got cancer.” was uttered.

And I inhaled…

And do you know that I will be doing on May 9th, 2014?

Mama’s going to be boarding a boat…a big, fucking ship…the Star Princess in fact…and we are going to sail to San Francisco.

I’m heading down the coast with some school friends.  A little more than that though.  All of them mean so much to me.

Cheryl was my first friend,,,ever.

Arlene and I connected in high school.  Her mother turned me onto coffee.  How it should be made…how it should taste.  Damn! You could smell the coffee brewing a block away!

Marie and I, while we were aware of each in high school, we really connected and bonded just a few years ago.

Sharon put the trip together and I hope that over the next few years I become more acquainted with her free spirit.

So in two weeks from today…Bon Voyage will have been uttered…and we will be heading out to sea.

No Gilligan’s Island reruns for this crew!

And I need this.  Good God, I need this so much.

I just want to let the mind wander, let go, have fun and not worry.

No more ‘What if’s…?”

No more surprises.  Just let me create the things I see for my future.

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