An interesting passage of time and the emotions that have accompanied it.
Realizations and reactions.
My three month cancer check-in occurred this week.
My reaction was a surprise.
Even more profound was the discovery that I really had not honoured or accepted many of the emotions that tried to surface.
“You’ve got cancer.”
For me, those were fighting words.
“Fuck you!” I screamed inside my head, “Just try to take this life from me!”
For the last nine months I’ve been in warrior mode. Don’t mess with my equilibrium as I am redefining the concept…you bastard!
Every time fear and anger reared their ugly heads, I shot them down with my ‘positive’ reinforcement.
During chemotherapy, with a needle in my arm I sat with my Rose Quartz and Jade Stone in meditation relinquistioning and reconciling the shit that was being put into my body as necessary.
And I begged for acceptance from my physical sense, my spiritual sense…
The last few months have been a big ‘Fuck you. What were you thinking?”
Each word, feeling, condemnation being recorded for what?
I’ve a vision of where I want to go in this life. Why do allow these foolish images to invade and distract?
I am past the cancer shit. I’ll survive. LIve a long life.
It’s not a competition. It really isn’t.
I’ve been in this odd mindset. I have to rectify why I feel the way I do.
Notable issues have arisen in how I respond and react.
What I’ve realized is that I might well have an awareness of my inabilities, it does not translate into the generalalities of global perception.
I am not a statistic.
I am a woman. I feel. I hurt.. I want. I plead. I beg.
This animated thing I am pouring my soul out to… I can’t say.
But we are human…we feel..we share….
I love you all.
Time for sleep.