Reactive…Spring is Springin’ after all..


An interesting passage of time and the emotions that have accompanied it.

Realizations and reactions.

My three month cancer check-in occurred this week.

My reaction was a surprise.

Even more profound was the discovery that I really had not honoured or accepted many of the emotions that tried to surface.

“You’ve got cancer.”

For me, those were fighting words.

“Fuck you!” I screamed inside my head, “Just try to take this life from me!”

For the last nine months I’ve been in warrior mode. Don’t mess with my equilibrium as I am redefining the concept…you bastard!

Every time fear and anger reared their ugly heads, I shot them down with my ‘positive’ reinforcement.

During chemotherapy, with a needle in my arm I sat with my Rose Quartz and Jade Stone in meditation relinquistioning and reconciling the shit that was being put into my body as necessary.

And I begged for acceptance from my physical sense, my spiritual sense…

The last few months have been a big ‘Fuck you.  What were you thinking?”

Each word, feeling, condemnation being recorded for what?

I’ve a vision of where I want to go in this life.  Why do allow these foolish images to invade and distract?

I am past the cancer shit. I’ll survive. LIve a long life.

It’s not a competition.  It really isn’t.

I’ve been in this odd mindset.  I have to rectify why I feel the way I do.

Notable issues have arisen in how I respond and react.

What I’ve realized is that I might well have an awareness of my inabilities, it does not translate into the generalalities of global perception.

I am not a statistic.

I am a woman. I feel.  I hurt..  I  want.  I plead.  I beg.

This animated thing I am pouring my soul out to… I can’t say.

But we are human…we feel..we share….

I love you all.

Time for sleep.

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2 thoughts on “Reactive…Spring is Springin’ after all..

    • This one really snuck up on me. I had not been back to the Cancer Agency in 3 1/2 months. It just kind of all rushed to the surface. And yes, when you’re going through it you don’t want to dwell in the reality of the situation. I am so happy that you are doing so well, Helen! That is awesome.

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