Would I Do It Again?


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I’ve asked myself this question in relation to many facets of my life. And I’ve asked it several times in the last few years. If I had the chance to do it all again, would I?

Of course, you can’t go back.  Perhaps the big lesson in life is just that.

We are all test subjects being fed various forms of stimuli to see how we respond.  How’s that for enlightenment?

Still, it is curious to me how some of us go through the most horrendous of life events imaginable and turn out to be the most loving and empathetic of beings.  Then there are those that seemingly have been born into a charmed life that turn out to be the most acerbic and selfish of the lot.

I could never say my life has been horrible.  I’ve certainly had my share of shit.  At the end of the day though each day is what you choose to do with it.  I’m sure at some point in my life I didn’t realize I had this decision to make.   I eventually figured it out.

I don’t really like designating a condition such as ‘victim’ or ‘survivor’ to my state of being.  We tend to put labels on everything by way of explanation I suppose.  Easy to categorize our state of mind.

Depressive, manic, bi-polar, anxiety, psychotic…

I can assure you there is a drug for that.

In all honesty, though there is no quick fix.  There never has been.  Knowing why you are the way you are is one thing.  Changing it is quite another.

Taking medication may be necessary should you in fact have a chemical imbalance.  Still, there is so little known about all of this.  Stress is one the big unknowns and God knows, we seem to add to our stressful lives on a daily basis.

I had a gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure that I cashed in on tonight.  I sat in Lazy-Boy chair allowing the woman to work her magic.  She did.

Two women next me sat having an animated conversation about their relationships.

One insisted that men were dumb.  All you had to do was show them a little love and attention and they would do your bidding.  It was just that simple.  As the conversation progressed, however, the issues being discussed ran rather deep.

After 15 years of marriage, should you have the insecurities that this one woman was feeling?  My guess is no, you should not.  As she discussed with her friend the issues…

“He’s always tired…I don’t want to get my hopes up…I’ll only be disappointed”

When he did something nice for her she would counter “What did you do with my husband…”

There was a communication failure somewhere.  He was concerned that she was going to take off to Hawaii without him (in other words, leave him)…he had purchased a ring and wanted to renew their vows which, and at the time, she found silly.  He made her a Valentine card by hand this year.

I finally weighed in.

She was missing some major cues that he was sending out.  In her fear of coming across needy and sounding like a nag she did nothing.

I made a few suggestions.

– Buy a frame and put the Valentine he made for her in it.

– Make up cards with things they would both like.  It would be a joint venture.  Once a week flip a coin and whom ever wins, draw a card and do that for the other.

– Sit naked opposite each other and ask the other person to perform a desirable act on your person.

I had their attention. She looked at me and asked if I felt valued. I smiled. She didn’t ask if I was in a relationship.  I told her flat out. yes, I feel valued and it starts with the face in the mirror.  Being happy is no one’s responsibility but your own.  Why should I even consider that is up to someone else.

She also felt some resentment at having to initiate the desire to have more ‘attention’ from her husband.

I’ve never been married but I do know for every successful relationship it needs to be nurtured. One young woman providing the treatment offered up that once children come into the picture they take center stage.

There is a certain immaturity in this thinking.  Yes, children require attention but guess what?  So does the relationship you have with the father of those children.  And if there is one thing I have come to learn it is this.  Take care of yourself first and foremost.

If I could change a few things that would definitely be up there.  I would be much kinder to this woman known as Nancy.

I am in downtown New Westminster on a Friday night having satisfied my appetite.  I am tucking back a few beer with a million things running through my head.

Change in the air.

I’m tire of the corporate grind.  Tired of being be a whipping post for my bosses’ bad hair days.  I’m tired of wondering why I put up with their bullshit.  Tired of being treated like I am a complete incompetent because they can’t recall the answer I gave the previous month for the same question.

Yet, I smile through gritted teeth.  It’s a job. It pays the bills.  It could be worse.  But, fuck, it should be a hell of a lot better, dammit.

Why I need to do so many spreadsheets forecasting this ominous future for the business that are never to their satisfaction is beyond me. I’m handed a green pencil crayon and asked to check off the red scribbles that are barely legible to ensure that I’ve done what I’ve been told.

Patience.

For five years I’ve put up with this.  Time to move on.  I have plans.  I have dreams.

Never in the five years I’ve been with this firm have I had the opportunity to do the job I was hired to do.  It is just that simple.

I’m not going to sit and judge them.  For the most part, both are good men. They’ve worked hard.  I get it. Yet, when I am spoken to as if I am an misguided and obstinate youth who knows nothing….you won’t get much productivity out of me.

I’ve battled this.  Gone in with complete loathing at what awaits me.  It’s the challenge you see.

Just try and knock me down. I dare you.”


 The thing of it is I know why I respond this way. It’s a throw back to being in an abusive home. As much as I am trying to break this cycle it keeps appearing in subtle forms.  A part of me feels if I leave, they’ll have won.

Then I remind myself this is not a competition. This is my life.  If I’m not happy, move on. I see others who operate in a similar position and they seem to be able to carry the authority that doesn’t quite rise to the level I want it to.

As stated, change is in the air.

I love working. I love the challenge to puzzle out an issue. Very few have ever taken advantage of this ability of mine.  Very few have ever seem my genius. Those that have, I still look after. Most just try to control me. Can’t be done.

In this mode of reflection I will say I would have to do it all again, verbatim…

If I didn’t…I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Now you could argue that perhaps I would be better.  That perhaps I would have progressed to a point I was far beyond where I am at this point in time.  Burt Goldman wants you to believe you can jump into any number of multiple universes to see what your doppelganger is doing and learn from it bringing it back to this reality.

At eighty years of age he made himself a shit load of money.

Out of curiosity a few years back I tried his online progam. I haven’t a clue what I am doing in other universes, as I decided to just concentrate on the one I currently reside in. Any lessons should be learned in the tried an true method to me.

Should I steal the remedy of what I’ve done in a previous universe into this life will I actually appreciate the  journey?

Always these programs focus on the riches (i.e. wealth, money, fame) that can be attained. Material wealth is really not that important to me.  Spiritual wealth…now that would something.

So I’ll continue on for the greater good.  And funny thing is that it changes everyday along with the rest of me.

Time to take a deep breath and move on.

Peace.

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