I’ve been absent, I know.  The past few weeks have been restless ones.  Sleep has been sporadic.  Dreams have been wild and challenging.  Decisions are demanding resolutions.

I need a plan.

As I drove into work this morning I gazed at the ribbon of white and red that moved opposite each other.  I was following the red tail lights as they wound down and around the hill.  The white head lights moved toward me.  A beautiful day is dawning.  A cloudless blue sky can be deceiving though, as it is about -7 degrees at the moment.  No breeze at this point but should one come up it will feel marginally cooler than it does now.

I went for my Tuesday run with my group last night.  We did hills.  These days everything hurts as I introduce the physical self back into my previous fitness regiment.  I am dealing with a muscle that has knotted up at the base of my calf so running has become slow and methodical.  Still, I did okay last night.

I’ll be seeing Rachel, who is a Fascia Stretch Therapist on Thursday, so perhaps she’ll be able to give me a bit of guidance on this.

Despite the pain that I am currently experiencing, I couldn’t be happier to be back at it.  The pain will pass.  It always does.  Take a deep breath, smile and move on.

I’m questioning myself these days as well.  How do you help someone who can’t help themselves?  What can I do?  What will I do?  What should I do?

Then there is guilt.  Have I done enough?  Am I being selfish?

If you’ve ever dealt with a loved one who suffers from mental illness and alcoholism, then you know the difficult choices that at times must be made.

With the threat of homelessness looming, I am trying to find an agency that will assist.  During the Christmas holidays I felt that a breakthrough had occurred.  She was willing to go into detox.  Yet when they called her to come in, the excuses began and she was bumped to bottom of the wait list.

There is this bed bug issue that has gone on for months and why that wasn’t a catalyst for her to want to get out of the place she is at is beyond me.  Now all the residence of this slum hotel have been evicted.  Given just 7 days to find someplace else to call home.  The other thing is her cat.  She doesn’t want to give it up.  This cat can be quite aggressive and bites.

It bit me clean through to the bone on my wrist just before I started chemotherapy last year which resulted in Cellulitis and two rounds of hour long antibiotics delivered intravenously to fight the infection.

I would happily assist in finding the cat a good home though.

I’ve watched my sister slide ever so slowly down into an abyss.  I understand the why of it.  I was raised in the same house and know of the abuses that were meted out.

At the end of the day though, we have choices.  We make them everyday and they direct what happens in our life.  I’ve likely made more bad than good choices.  The difference between my sister and myself though is that I wanted desperately to move on with my life and leave the past where it belongs.

She is still very much mired in it.

And as I look ahead at the year I want for myself and begin to prepare the tools to assist in my vision, I also wonder how to help someone who seems incapable of helping themselves.

My heart aches and is so heavy for my family.  None of us deserved the hand we were dealt but sometimes when you’re all out of aces you just have to bluff your way through this life.  Funny thing is that it actually works.

Never give up.

And I guess that’s my fear for my sister. I think she may have given up long ago and one can only hope for that spark that will turn it around and make her see that life really is worth living.







One thought on “Ruminations

  1. everyday we have a plan, it’s just not our plan, sometimes you need to pour out your feelings, to the mirror even, i’ve seen the impossible, and nothing is impossible, your blog is timely, but we are all told to be patient, this life we have will pass, but another one waits, blessings and hope


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