This body of mine, having gone through extreme abuses this year, is now beginning to heal. What I did note is that every part of my being has suffered in the process. At times I have felt worn, awkward, painfully trashed.
I tried to treat the cancer and subsequent treatments as a ‘minor inconvenience’. In other words, I wasn’t going to let it rob me of the life I’ve worked so hard for.
And I wish I could have maintained my perspective, but cancer can really mess with your head at times.
I tried to deal with the fear logistically, yet fear is nonsensical. It will wrap you in its arms and try to convince you that you’ll never get back up. After all cancer is equated with death.
And I had just found this beautiful life. I had begun to explore so many remarkable paths that were opening before me. I was expanding and blossoming. Everything that was opening before me I could never have conceived possible at certain times in my life. Yet it was all there before me. These energies were infusing me, inspiring me. I felt so good.
The cancer sidetracked me far more than I’d like to admit. And not just physically. Every aspect of my being suffered as a result but I’ve come through the darkness and bear the scars. I could be bitter and angry. I’ve had my moments…and that’s all they were when I let those emotions wash over me. I released them as quickly as they came upon me.
I want to be healthy, happy, free, uninhibited and curious. I want to explode creatively.
I was driving back from my friend’s house and George Harrison was singing “My Sweet Lord” on the radio. It has been a long time favorite of mine.
And I got to thinking will it only be in death that I find redemption, solace or peace? I hope not.
For me ‘hell’ is a state of mind, an energy just as ‘heaven’ is. I’ve known far too much hell. And I was discovering heaven. I was finding this beautiful energy and just surrendering to it. I was letting it direct me, find the path where I could be of the most benefit in this world that surrounds me.
The cancer weighed heavy on me this year. It has been tough. The fragility of this life has never been more apparent and never more appreciated. And while at times I felt consumed by the process, I began to understand the machine is designed as such.
Cancer is a business and I’ve paid my pound flesh.
At times I feel I’ve died a thousand deaths and just when life begins to surge once more, yet another obstacle presented itself.
As much as I would like to say “I hate” what I’ve experienced, I cannot.
There are lessons being woven into my being as a result. I will take nothing for granted.
And on shaky legs, I will continue to offer my words to the world.
Offer a view-point, discuss solutions. I look for equality in this world, fairness. Should we all not be afforded education, food, shelter, freedom?
And why is it so hard to love?
We see its beauty, want it, covet it, but cannot commit to it.
For many years I feared love. Thought it would make me weak and vulnerable.
Yet when I was at my most vulnerable, when I stripped down and bared my soul for the first time, never had I been stronger. It surprised and humbled me.
And so I will move into the next year in the upright position once more. I’ll find the joy in movement once more. The pleasure of each moment.
The cancer is gone and I will not tolerate its return.
I hope you all have a very Happy New Year!