I am starting to sleep pretty good these days. The body is resetting itself, however slowly. Currently I’m only waking approximately once during the course of the night.
For a while there my sleep state was completely manic and the images being conjured during this time were confusing and confounding at best.
Waking in a pool of sweat, I would drift back off to sleep only to waken again freezing cold. The dream spectrum ran from the abstract to the macabre. Images taunted then soothed. I found myself waking from a dream only to still be in a dream and people moving through this realm in a kaleidoscopic manner.
Indeed, the stresses this body, mind and spirit endured over the last seven months has resulted in major activity during the sleep cycle.
It occurred to me on the drive in this morning that last Friday, while in a fevered state, I passed the two-year anniversary of creating this blog. A lot has happened in that time frame and much has been accomplished and I have so much more to do.
This blog began the day after heart surgery, which was successful. I have completed my book (which I have postponed releasing until the New Year due to the health issues I’ve been facing i.e. the cancer stuff). I am on Chapter Seven of my new novel. Submissions have been made for writing contests just to challenge myself.
I’ve embraced my inner shutterbug even more so and continue to learn about the lens. I’ve not had many opportunities recently to get out and play with the camera, but as my strength returns, I’ll get back to it.
In the last two years I’ve run seven races, one being a 1/2 Marathon. This year I have been sidelined from this passion of mine, but as surely as I am writing this today, know that I will be lacing up soon. Indeed, I will be doing a 1/2 Marathon next year but it will likely be in October or thereabouts.
The plan is to run an 8 km in March, a 10 km in April and then the Coho 14 km in September and hopefully finish up by running a 1/2 Marathon in October.
During this time I will press forward with my goal of optimal health. Gotta tell you, sounds a bit like a skipping record at this point. Still, I’m looking for that happiness quotient that will render my whole being in balance.
I don’t seek to be happy all the time. I don’t think I could appreciate the good in my life without having gone through the bad. Some may be weighted down by events in their life, but I try always to find the silver lining.
Even having gone through this cancer experience, indeed the lessons have been many. And ultimately at the end of the day it’s about the healing power of love. It is about letting the world see you when you are at your most vulnerable and not being afraid. It is about knowing just how fortunate you are for the people who are in your life. It’s about wanting to make the road an easier one for those who follow in your wake.
So yes, I’ve muddled through but there is so much more I want to do, want to see, want to feel, want to give.
I look to the fertility of the imagination and want to encourage its growth in a world that at times seems void. While technology swallows our youth, visions of 1984 dance in my head. The silent industrial god that is now worshiped that conditions the mind. A little dark, I know.
Still, I’ll continue seeking that rare honesty that I know exists in all of us. It is the very fabric of our human existence. Oh, I know we trivialize our lives with these odd ideas of beauty and success. How many have cut themselves seeking an ideal that does not exist and changes constantly? How many have crushed others to get to that pinnacle of success they seek only find themselves very much alone?
It is, as I’ve learned, the journey that matters. Destinations and goals are good to have but they change always.
What I realize with each passing day is that it’s not about me. Not at all. It’s about all of us as a collective.
There was a challenge I faced a few weeks back. An anger had gripped me. Why was all of this happening? I looked in the mirror. Bald, no eyelashes, no brows and overweight. And I was beautiful?
I began to turn away and the light caught and I looked back. And it was there in the depths of my eyes that I saw this beautiful soul that I’ve been blessed with. The physical body is simply a vessel. One that I nurture and care for. The hair and lashes will grow back. Once I become active again the weight will come off.
Once again I am humbled.
So tune in next week for the Christmas story I’ve been busy constructing. Hopefully you’ll find it enjoyable. I am off to the good ‘ol hockey game tonight. Fun stuff!
Enjoy your day!