Fallout


This is my forth day since I walked away from radiation therapy. I felt pretty good earlier but as the day as progressed the pain returned and the fever began to creep back up once more.

I went out to grab a nibble as I really didn’t feel much like cooking. Then again, I don’t really feel much like eating. I’ve got to eat though and once done I’ll head home and curl up with some Ginger tea.

It helps a bit with internal inflammation that I am certain exists.

At the moment I praying to God that no permanent damage has been done and I am feeling decidedly angry.

At no point after surgery could I be told that the cancer still remained in my body.

And I am asking myself about my motivations to move forward with this.

Was I motivated partially by fear? Most definitely.

When told you’ve got cancer, there is no time to think about anything really. All you want is for it to be gone and to live. I spoken before of the overwhelming amount of information that is tossed at you and the worst case scenarios are articulated in great detail.

I was thinking about children with cancer today. They don’t have a say really. They can’t, like I did, just say ‘Enough’ and walk away. Really tough to think about.

And I wonder what has been done to my intestinal tract?

Keeping food down is still delicate. I am hopeful that all will correct itself over the next few days.

Another disturbing question rose to the surface tonight. If they found a cure for cancer through a natural and inexpensive remedy, would they tell us?

The business of cancer is a phenomenally powerful machine.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that hundreds of thousands of people work in the profession and volunteer determined to make a difference. God bless them all.

Research is funded by corporate pharmaceutical companies that make a hell of a lot of money. Natural remedies cannot be patented so the chemicals are mixed and offered up in their stead.

Like you, I’ve almost become numb to advertisements on new drugs.

“Abilfy can assist your anti-depressive medication.  Should your depression worsen or if you have thoughts of suicide contact your doctor immediately.  You may have issues regarding internal bleeding.   In extreme cases you may enter into a coma or die.”

Really?

Yes, I am feeling a little bitter.  I am tired of the vague answers to questions that most definitely had merit.

“When are the symptoms so extreme that I should stop (radiation) treatment?”

I was told to listen to my body.

“Will this effect my heart?”

I was told no, it should have no impact at all.

Yet I know that had I continued, and I was guaranteed by the doctor that I would NOT feel any better and may feel worse, the fever could well have persisted.  The nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, bloating, fatigue, etc. would as well.

And I am well aware that should these symptoms carry on for a prolonged period of time damage can occur to the organs and / or they could shut down.

Would this not impact my heart?

I will, thankfully, never know the answer to that question.

Some of the issues that bother me are that at no time was I queried about my cycle or about my menopausal experience.  Uterine cancer is caused by an influx of the female hormone estrogen.  Why are we not trying to find out where the imbalance may have occurred?  Why is data not being gathered to create testing that can provide early detection?  Is there not a way to monitor a woman’s estrogen levels?

My daughter told me a co-worker’s mom had some cancer cells found around cervix after her regular pap test. And what are they doing? They are monitoring her.

I guess at the end of this journey I have far more questions than I do answers.

Hopefully this is the typical fallout of treatment. I just hope things bounce back to normal soon.

Namaste.

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2 thoughts on “Fallout

  1. When I was treated for the cancer I felt as if I had to hand my body over and let them do as they please!!! I felt very vulnerable .. Unable to make my own decisions because I did not have the knowledge.. It was out of my hands.. The cancer never came back but I have paid and I am still paying the price of treatment.. I often wonder what my life would have been like without cancer … There are so many “what ifs” that never get answered….so,I understand where you are coming from at the moment… However It does get easier… ..

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    • That really is what upsets me about the whole thing is that at the end of the day you end up feeling like a piece of meat to be processed however they choose.. For my situation, I have reminded throughout that I may or may not still have cancer. This will have to suffice as I can’t put my body through any more abuse. I wish you health and happiness Helen. Always I appreciate your feedback.

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