The Fragile Heart


I had a good weekend.  Eventful.  Caught an early movie on Friday night then went for a late dinner.  I got up before dawn on Saturday morning and went on a photo walk with a group of shutter bugs.  This one was titled ‘Deer Lake in the Fog‘.  The hope was the sun would burn off the fog and we’d get this really magical morning sunrise.  We had to settle for a mystical morning.

Mystic MornMelting RoseMystic morn 2

Above are a couple of the images I captured. This fog has socked us in for several days now.  This morning on the drive in to work  I could not see the tops of some of the buildings in downtown Vancouver the fog was that thick.

I got a Yoga class in later on Saturday and it felt good to get back to it.  My toes are still numb so doing a downward dog was a rather precarious pose this time out.  Very odd not to feel anything is that area.  Still, it was a good class.

My body feels like it has retreated completely, it is so tight.  Still, I get it.  Physically I am feeling a bit beat up.  First the surgery, then the chemo and I am now preparing it for the last bit of abuse which is the radiation.

Maybe the last few trips to the gym I pushed the body a bit too much as well.  I need to a pull it back a bit.  I was just working out at about 75% capacity and the last few weeks I’ve been pushing it up closer to 90%.  Perhaps that’s why I’m so tired these days.

I’ll roll it back once more.  I am hoping that I can begin to run in a week.  The toes are the only part of the foot numb at this point.

I did some writing over the weekend and am starting on preparing my home for the new year when I am planning to sell.  A few repairs and a some tedious cleaning lay ahead.  But I am going to tackle everything, one area at a time, and get everything better than perfect.

Plans are in place to move forward in this life of mine and I am doing just that.

I was considering the way I’ve been pushing myself physically, despite the abuses my body has been taking. Then it occurred to me how careful I am with this heart of mine.  I have not surrendered it for a very long time.

I know the healing power of love is a balm we all seek.  I know I need to open myself to this and I have been, little bit by little bit.  And while friends tell me how strong I am and how far I’ve come, I realized just how fragile this heart of mine still is.  Yes, I agree in part with their observations.  Still, when I compared how I treat my physical self at times in comparison to the emotional aspect of it, I am far more protective of this heart of mine.

My dilemma at the moment is do I just throw this fragile aspect of self out there?  Or do I hold back and just offer up glimpses of it?  Is my heart tough enough?  Does it need to be tough?

I don’t really have a ‘tough’ heart anyway.  It is a gentle thing. So I will keep urging it to peek out a bit more.  See me.  See the love that waits to be taken.  Watch how it will grow when love is returned.

Despite this hard knock life, I always get back up and shake it off.   Despite the many hurts the purity of this heart remains, however fragile.  To the universe I say, I am here.

Peace.

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