Caught in this Whirlwind…


The effects of my final chemo treatment have been a little more dramatic than the previous two rounds, but at least I know that this is the end of this portion of treatment and I do not have to subject the body to this again.

It is a strange feeling to bite down and not feel anything.  The flavours that typically dance over my tongue are currently bland and insulting to the palate.  This will pass in a day or two.  I have actually gotten used to having no sensation on the bottom of my feet.  This too will improve in the next few days.

I considered staying home today.  If my condition doesn’t improve then I’ll take off early.

Yesterday it hit me of how consuming this whole cancer thing has been.  As much as I like to think that I’ve carried on with my life accordingly, in truth it has commandeered a fair amount of time this year.

I read some of my posts leading up to the discovery of the cancer.  Back in late February, early March I knew something was wrong with me though at the time I thought it heart related.  My energy levels were just tapping out and in a rather dramatic fashion.

I read my entry on when I went for my longest run prior to the 1/2 marathon and was whisked back to that morning and how hard I fought through the fatigue that would hit me every few kilometers until I finished up at English Bay close to 15 km later.  The rush was intoxicating.

And I miss running.  I am so looking forward to getting back into it.  Hopefully the numbness in my feet will have dissipated by the end of this month and I can get back to running in November.

I was reminded of when I first spoke with my doctor who first mentioned the ‘C’ word, then the specialist who insisted that it likely wasn’t cancer but some other less obtrusive ailment such as polyps or fibroids.  Then the diagnosis and it was confirmed that I did have cancer.  From there I entered into this vacuous whirlwind that has just grabbed hold and spit me through.  Here I am some six months later still not finished this ride and wanting to get off in the worst way.

I think I just felt so completely overwhelmed yesterday.  So far I’ve managed quite effectively at dealing with all of this.  I guess when the cat started to lick my hand last night and my first thought was that I could make him sick (yes, the toxins in my blood could come out in my sweat glands and there is the potential for ingesting some of this and causing a reaction), I was reminded once again of what is currently in my system and why.

And I have really tried to stay away from this line of thinking as well.

It has been an interesting journey none the less.  I have fought off the emotions that have tried to corral me, as they are now.  I am centering myself as we speak.  Moving the focus on the tasks at hand.  Try to crunch these numbers so that they will make sense.

Sometimes I wonder how all of this came into play and how we manipulate so many things in order to give it an appearance of what…I am not too certain.

It is a beautiful day outside and I will at some point go out and just breathe the air.  I really need to do that today.

Thanks for stopping by.

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