I have not made it to the gym the past couple of mornings. Understandable I suppose considering I just finished up my final chemo session and this one has left me a bit more fatigued than previous sessions. The numbness has begun to kick in again. The now familiar sensation of not really being able to taste my food, having my entire body with the bottom of feet now feeling sadly lacking in the sensory department known as touch.
In a week I will be rebounding from all of this. The body can now heal from this experience in its entirety. Yes, we will be getting zapped but this too will pass.
I stood in the line at Starbuck’s today to grab my morning cup. A woman of polished perfection stood inline a few people ahead of me. I admired her appearance then considered my own. I have never been one to have found a way to polish anything about my appearance.
The operation this summer and following cancer treatment has left me 20 lbs heavier. It is all in my midsection. I considered why it is we compare ourselves to others. What triggers this response to suddenly feel less than?
After all, this woman was also substantially younger than I am. And I thought again of ego and how it drives us so subtly at times. I catch myself doing this from time to time. Perhaps, as I stood there, feeling numb with a wig that was itching my scalp a little, I felt all too human. All too vulnerable. Perhaps seeing a woman in peak physical shape, healthy and beautiful is a reminder that youth is behind me.
I thought of the patterns that form in my life. The cycles I move through that I am trying to break. I thought of my quest to find my own optimum health level at the age of the 55. I love having an abundance of energy and I know that for a woman of my years I am attractive. Not polished, never that because that just isn’t me.
And as I stood next to this woman while we waited for our order, I wondered if she was happy. Did she delight in her health? In her beauty? Did she like her look and enjoy making herself up each day? I hoped that she did.
I stepped out into a beautiful fall morning here in Vancouver. The mountains have received their first dusting of snow. On the drive in a low fog hung heavy on the trees below a cloudless pale blue sky. The trees are on fire now with the various shades of reds and yellows.
I guess too knowing that at this very moment the blood moving through my veins is somewhat toxic has an odd effect on the psyche. For all that I have learned, for all that I have discovered and been made aware…why then can I not break certain behaviours?
There is a frustration on this level. I have survived so much and this statement, as I let it slip through my lips this morning as I got back into my car for the final leg of the journey into work, bothered me. I don’t want to just be a survivor. What I want more than anything is just to be immersed up to my eyeballs in this life. I want to drown in all that surrounds me. I want to experience all of it fully.
I know I have danced around this concept for a while now. At some point I am going to have just take a chance and dive in. I already know that in the survival department I am more that capable of scraping my remains off some venture or another to begin anew.
I am trying to find a path that I seem to keep deviating from. And I know that its there…maybe a little overgrown in places. Still, I want to find that ‘aha’ moment where I have the clarity of just where I am going, or is mine to be a blind venture to be summed up in a written masterpiece of such tragic and profound proportions?
Hmmm. Curious. Funny what triggers the mind to wander. Now I need to escort it back to crunching numbers and pushing paper. Not as exciting as it sounds nor as appetizing. Again I am digging deeper and beginning to demand a certain code of conduct from myself. And it is these moments that glare at me asking why I’ve stopped short yet again.
No excuses this time. I have got to roll up my sleeves and deal with this mess once and for all so I best get to it.
Have a fabulous day everyone. Thanks for checking in.