Yesterday was my final round of chemotherapy. I am thrilled that this portion of treatment is over with.
My mood was one of lot of ruminating as to where I am at in this life of mine. I watched the sky outside my window change dramatically as it has this past week or so. It transitioned from a mottled pale blue to an angry and menacing iron grey that made its position very clear. It was going to rain and hard.
The leaves on the trees are changing various shades reminding me that autumn is indeed upon us.
Then the Benydrl kicked it. I found myself getting incredibly sleepy to the point that I could not even hold a thought in this head of mine. I sat with eyes closed trying to dig deeper, wanting to get a sharper, a clearer picture of who the woman is that looks back at me day after day. What is she seeking? Is she getting closer?
Yet, as I tried valiantly to hang onto these fleeting thoughts I was pulled into a vacuum of absolutely nothing. My daughter would come into the room, then leave as I couldn’t stay awake. A small dog named Dixie came in so I sat up to greet the gal. She was a sweet little thing, very friendly.
Then I sat back and again the eyes drifted shut. These types of drugs make me feel foggy and I really don’t like the sensation. My thought process felt like it was plodding through the thickest of mud. An idea would form and by the time I had sent the message to open my notebook and pick up a pen and place it against a clean sheet of paper the thought had once more sunk back into the abyss of a drugged out wasteland. I did a meditation that I think had much the same effect as the writing.
At times the sensations that moved through the body were cognitive. When first the IV started with the chemo drug, and this particular one is three hours in length, I felt the rush of mild tingling, then odd little palpitations at times, the rush of heat, the chill of goosebumps.
By day’s end, I was delighted to bid the place adieu. I will be sending a card to the nursing staff though and to the volunteers that stop in continually to see if they can serve you up some tea or coffee. They make the day long venture almost pleasant.
Now I will be moving into the final stretch of this thing which is the radiation. After that is complete then I will be monitored every three months for the first year. I think it is bumped up to six months during the second, then just once a year thereafter.
Last night sleep was difficult and dreams were strange and fleeting. This has been typical thus far in my experience with the first night of chemo.
I think one of the reasons I try to write everything down as well is due to the fact that I had read chemotherapy can affect your memory. This troubled me initially so I decided I needed to keep my creative self motoring.
I laid in bed last night, having woken around 2:30 AM and never really getting back into a fitful sleep, plotting out various things for the new book I working on. And I must say, I came up with some mighty fine ideas. The details of how this operation are run; then how my main character will meet her love interest. Still, I am trying to get a better view of him and how he operates. I don’t quite have a handle on it just yet, but slowly his character is emerging.
That is the fun of writing. I have been interviewing people for this book as I want my characters to not only be believable but interesting and intelligent. And the plot has continually deepened on this one becoming not just an erotica novel, but one with heart. And I am exploring how trauma effects and shapes us as sexual beings.
I have a deep curiosity about this and that ultimately is what this book will be exploring and digging into why we make the choices we do. I think I will try putting up another survey as I now have a clearer picture of the information I am looking for.
These days I want to crawl around in someone’s head and find out how they came to be the sexual animal they are today. It is such a big part of being human and yet this fear, if you will, of expressing our sexual self. I want this to be an exploration from all sides and I want an honesty to it.
It is late Wednesday afternoon and I am feeling a little tired. I am so glad that the chemo is a done deal. I hope my hair will grow back looking fabulous and not some strange looking do. Only time will tell.