“The key to happiness comes from within….the key to this door comes from the cashier.”
I read these familiar words as I left Delaney’s Coffee house with beverage and muffin in hand this morning. I had chatted with Richard just a little, he was on his way home. Grant, one of the barista’s that works there, commented that he likes my hair. I thanked him.
It’s starting to come out.
The last few days the amount of hair in my brush has increased quite a bit. Now I’ll just monitor it. When the time comes I’ll have it shaved off. Just makes sense.
I received an email from a woman who was my best friend in my early adolescent years. She’s now a nurse in Las Vegas. The offer to resume our friendship was welcomed big time. In my response I mentioned some of the things I was doing now, and some of the fond memories I had with her and her family.
Then we got into high school and I got lost.
Afterward as I lay in bed, I thought about what I had said to her. Lost is putting it mildly. My foundation which had been built on a house of cards was in serious jeopardy. I didn’t know it then. Each time I walked into my home and back out the fracture that had begun, when I don’t know, became increasingly fragile until I shattered. And even when that occurred, I really wasn’t aware of it. Not really.
I was going through the looking glass and down the rabbit hole at an rapid pace. For a time it got so that I could hardly stand to live in my own skin. And I just continued to smile. At an early age I had learned the art of avoidance. If the place is going to hell around you, just ignore it. It’ll pass. I never really contemplated what might become of me. I never thought much about myself at all. Just tried to keep the fear manageable. Just tried to blend into my surroundings and look normal.
All these years later it is interesting to look back at the shift. Even more impressive is that I managed to get out of that funk. To say that I have an insatiable curiosity about the neurons that are firing away in my grey matter is an understatement. And not just my brain, but how we as humans function and how we respond to emotion and trauma.
How collectively as a society our mindset is influenced and changes over time. This comes from the energy we exude. Our energy bodies are extremely influential.
On Monday I was outside cleaning my deck. There are few spiders with webs up. I tried not to damage the one web but ended knocking the whole thing down. I had a conversation over the course of this demolition with said spider. He retreated as I explained that I was trying for minimum impact but in the end I apologized as I saw no point in leaving a few strands up.
The spider sat on a light bulb watching me. When I came back in from cleaning the deck my daughter asked me who I was talking to. I explained that I had kind of destroyed the spider’s web and felt bad about it. She laughed at this. She’s not a fan of spiders but as long as they are outside…she’s fine.
We picked up some groceries and upon our arrival home my daughter called me. Peter, this is the name she had now given him, had quite handily built himself another web and was perched in the middle waiting for dinner once again.
I watched him for a moment. Thought of how they sit in almost a zen-like position. The slightest unnatural vibration that hits their web and they move with the speed and dexterity of sprinter.
Season’s are changing once again. The leaves are now beginning to turn subtle shades of red and yellow. The sky is shifting to a deeper blue and the air now has a sharpness to it as summer begins to fade.
There are many things that should be left in the past. Move beyond them and let them go. But some things are worth bringing forward such as friendships.
It was the friendships that I had growing up that provided something of a balm for a young girl living in a volatile and at times very violent environment. They kept me afloat for a long time and it is the friendships that I have had over my lifetime that have helped me piece together this heart that was so badly broken at one time.
And as I grow and expand the heart grows stronger, as it should. That I may offer and give all the love that has been afforded to me is how I want live my life now. Many blessings to all of you.
Enjoy your day.