This morning started out being a ‘poor me’ one. I have not made it to the gym this week. I can’t seem to drag my sorry ass out of bed these days. Yes, I know I have a toxic soup in me that is likely to be assisting in this dilemma. Still, in the past few months since all this began I’ve added a few pounds and a few inches to my waistline.
I need to change how I eat and more importantly why I eat. If I am not as active as per usual then I really need to look at my portions. And again, while this all makes perfect sense to me and I embrace the ideology of it completely, old behaviours rear up and throw me into the same ol’ loop and I cycle through yet again.
This time, however, I am going through this with a complete awareness of it, which makes this even more frustrating. Of course I could use the whole cancer thing as a wonderful excuse as to my derailment and yes, it probably has influenced it to some degree.
I am done with excuses. Life can be a bitch, I know that. It can also be so completely mystical and magical with a richness that I have at times felt as though I was drowning in. And I love being in that space.
As a child I fought for every scrap of attention and affection that was afforded to me. As I got older, I stopped fighting and just melted into the background. As a young woman the day came when I took a serious look at myself and really loathed what I had become. I have been changing ever since.
Its funny, I was reading a post that a friend put up on Facebook. In essence she was talking about being deserving of her expectations of what her relationships should provide for her. My first thought upon reading this was that her thinking was rather selfish.
Then I paused and wondered why that thought had occurred. I read the passage through a few more times. No. She wasn’t being selfish. Not at all. She simply knew what she needed from a relationship in order for all involved to gain the most benefit from it.
Then a second reaction occurred. I suddenly felt quite envious. Had I ever thought that highly of myself? And even as I asked the question I knew the answer. No, I have never held myself in such high regard but I would like to. As I stated in an earlier post this week I still have these demons from the past that are weighing me down.
I guess that’s the kicker. I am gaining strength in my journey. I am becoming the person I want to be. I have a feeling the final hurdle of cutting these chains once and for all is coming very soon. Another war about to be waged. Emotions duking it out. Nasty stuff.
Time to pull up the boot straps and get on with it. I don’t like feeling the way I am this day. Oh I know, I can’t be all sunshine and lollipops every day. The frustration I am feeling though is of my own making. This is what I need to work on.
That said, as that classic ’70’s tune proclaimed…”I will survive!”
Peace to all of you.