This is the part I am not looking forward to and I just want to offer an apology to my physical self at this time for what I am about to put it through.
I am at the BC Cancer Agency being prepped for my first round of chemo. Medications will soon enter the blood stream for the purpose of killing off any radical cancer cells that may still be in my system.
The thing of it is I know that there will be collateral damage. Along with destroying the bad, good cells will be killed off as well. That’s the deal and it sucks.
I have been thinking about the fear of this thing and what it instills and how it can manifest such desperation if you let it. As we speak I am watching the first of many medications being pumped into my veins. All I can do is ask the body to please accept this intrusion with grace and humility. I will do what I can to make this assault as painless as possible.
Yes, its frightening to think of the poisons being fed to the body. At this moment I feel the so bloody emotional and the tears are pushing to get out. Closing my eyes I let them fall quietly hoping this will the eradicate cancer from my body. In a very real way cancer is now inevitably be a part of life.
And as the nurse prepares the first chemo treatment I can’t help but wonder if my decisions and acceptance to have this done was in fact fear driven.
So I will examine and document my reasoning. Safe to say its a bit too late to turn back now.
I am an hour and half into treatment and thankfully no reaction thus far. I felt quite sleepy after they administered the Benadryl to offset any allergic reaction that may occur. I decided to do a meditation on acceptance.
I brought my rose quartz and jade stone today. They are both very powerful healing stones. If I am to go through this process I cannot fight it’s purpose but I can ease the burden of the effects on this vessel of mine and will do so. Whatever response or reaction the body has, I will hopefully be able to counter it to minimal effect.
It has started off being a cloudy Monday morning. The sun is peeking through at times. I am curled up on a Laz-e-boy style of chair with all my pillows and a light flannel sheet tucked around me. I am gazing down at a lovely roof top terrace that can be accessed from the 5th floor. They have created a space the is genuinely comforting. Muted earth tones furnish the flooring, sofas and chairs. Soft rock from the 1970’s and 1980’s plays in the background.
I am occupying the space today with two other patients. Currently we all all appear a little drowsy. Not a great deal to do other than sit and watch the slow drip of the I.V. I came prepared with book, paper and pen.
I spoke briefly with a young man who came in shortly after me. Roy if fighting testicular cancer. My other roomy is an older Asian woman who doesn’t speak English but has a ready smile.
Looking back out the window I am dreaming of good health and wellbeing. I know I need to tweak certain behavior patterns. The ghosts just seem to come out of no where. I know I need to deal with this self-sabotage thing that I do. But I have the awareness which is half the battle anyway. I am getting there, bit by bit.
An internal battle was waged a lifetime ago. Mixed messages were cemented into the grey matter and I have been living through the repercussions ever since.
I have the necessity to cry at times, enjoy the pleasure of laughter and I have such a strong desire to be loved. And I am winning this war. Negotiations are currently under way. I’ll let you know where a cease fire agreement has been reached.
Perhaps this third-party known as cancer coming into the mix has forced these sides of self to finally come together to fight what threatens both. I know this may sound a little peculiar and yet to me it really makes sense.
The I.V. continues it slow drip and the body in a relaxed stat as is the mind. The heart beats a gentle reassurance through all of this.
Round one of chemo is now complete. I am feeling good. No nausea has yet occurred. I have remedies in place to assist with this should it occur.
The life source is strong in me and I know that this storm too will pass.