I have been reflective as of late thinking about all that I have managed to do in a relatively short period of time. Despite the health issues that have come up, despite the emotional house cleaning that was necessary (and man, was my emotional closet ever a mess!), I have really toughed it out and pushed through.
When I started this blog no one had ever really read any of my writings before. I had been expressing myself via the pen for the majority of my life. This had been my voice for a very long time. What I could not say verbally could be found bleeding onto the page.
I started this blog the day after having heart surgery. Those of you who have been with me close to two years now may recall that I spoke of this in the beginning.
Yesterday I read back a few of my posts. They are interesting as they capture my mindset at a particular moment in time. Somehow I navigated into some more emotional revelations and then into this whole cancer thing. As I have said early this week, I feel as though my life is righting itself and yet, as chemotherapy looms around the corner, I wonder how long this sense will remain. I hope it sticks around for a bit. Think I am going to need it.
I went back to my first post today. A hopeful woman was sitting on her sofa that day tapping out her imaginings. Here is the opening statement from that post.
‘What I hope to share with everyone who decides to share in this experience with me is the sense of renewal and the excitement of the road ahead. And I have no idea what that looks like but the idea of it is exhilarating none the less.
The Power of One…that connection…how many people do you come into contact on any given day? What energy are you parlaying to them? Are you reaching out for that endearing sense of human contact or are you drawing back from it? It is amazing if you stop and think how many people you actually interact with on any given day and even more exciting is what you can perhaps share with them.
Think about it. We will never be in the exact same place at the exact same time in the course of this world turning ever again. This moment will never come again. There will always be variables that have shifted even if you were standing in the exact same place 24 hours later the energy and the light source coming to us will have shifted. And while we are hurtling through space at 600 miles per hour on this planet that is wobbling its way around the sun, we have this source of energy that just permeates our very being…ours to accept or reject. We are never still, though we feel we are and there is never true silence in terms of the definition we have provided. Also, we are never alone.
Very recently I have begun to discover this energy and for me it is magic. I will provide a definition shortly but I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, not just yet. Right now I am feeling quite giddy and excited and wanting to share all of this….I want to reach out and connect with everyone and everything…and this seems as likely a place to start as any.’
There you have it. It was at this time that I was accepting myself as a writer and not just someone who loved to write. The book that was I was just beginning to piece together is now complete soon to be published.
I have run several more races since this blog started including a 1/2 Marathon. I have continued to reconcile my past leaving the pain of it where it belongs but taking the lessons learned and allowing them to feed and nurture the soul.
I have put posts up that have been extremely emotional. In all this time I have only removed one as I felt it was far too vulnerable and raw. Those that subscribe to my blog would have received it. Perhaps that was a time when I was having a hiccup in terms of behaviour and allowing emotional reflexes to throw me off.
I continue to try to make sense of things that are at times completely irrational. Perhaps I should just let them be. And I continue to grow and evolve. I work to be a kinder and gentler being each day. I work to be guided by my heart and not my head.
And regardless of the ailments and illnesses that I have been afflicted with I continue to work through them. And yes, there are times when being the ‘strong’ individual I am is less than appealing. I would like to have someone who could at times take this burden, even if it is for just a little while, from me. Just let me cry it out, you know?
It is never a question of saying that it’s ‘not fair’. Life doesn’t work that way. Just gotta roll with it. You’ve all heard it. If life gives you lemons, best you learn how to make damn good lemonade.
I went back to the beginning to see if I am still on track with the original idea of this blog. Yes, I am. The idea was to share in my journey and I have done that.
And this is where I am with just a few days before the next assault on my body begins. I have reconciled the need and prepared to meet the effects. Have a great weekend everyone and thanks again for checking in from time to time.