I had an active weekend. I have been squeezing several social functions in prior to beginning chemo as I’m not certain at this point how I will feel during the process. There are so many people I really want to see and get caught up with and so I have had social engagements which began on Friday after work and carried right through to Sunday afternoon.
Next weekend will be much the same. And I am quite enjoying all of this.
I also went on the hunt for the perfect wig and I may just have found it and managed to get a Yoga session in as well and it felt fabulous.
My energy levels are increasing daily. Two minor scars on either side of my belly button exist and will likely fade over time.
Yesterday I met with a couple of women I went to school with and we enjoyed a long afternoon lunch catching up with each other. A photo of a woman that we went to school with has appeared on Facebook. She is currently missing as of July 22, 2013. Julie relayed a few details that she knew regarding her disappearance.
Kathleen had been married last year for just five weeks when her husband apparently hung himself. The fear is she never recovered from the shock and that now a year later she may well have gone down that path as well.
I truly hope not.
I know what it’s like to be locked in dark despair. I know from personal experience how if feels to be in constant pain. Not the type of pain from an injury either. No, it is the pain of a wounded soul. It is a heart that is so completely shattered. It feels as if everything that you ever were is just bleeding out of you until there is nothing. Just and empty darkness, a void where you feel absolute nothing but a relentless agony that begs to be silenced.
Fortunately for me the times I made the attempt to end it all, and there were a few, I managed to hit the ‘off’ switch. And yes, I remember well the emotional pain that pushed me to the edge. And so I can only pray that Kathleen has somehow managed to hit the ‘off’ switch as well and has not succumbed to a tragic end.
I found my way out of there. I discovered a beauty in forgiveness that was such a gentle balm. I let it in, allowing it to ease me from a parched wasteland into a vibrant and lush energy that began to fill and consume me. Then I began to heal. With each new day a love of this world that I inhabit increases. Hope rains down in abundance infusing me with a love so deep.
If Kathleen is out there I send her all my love and prayers that she will find her way from this unconscionable pain that has consumed her.
In the book that I am preparing for publication, I do talk of these things. One of the reasons why I wrote the book was to perhaps reach out to those who find themselves in such a quandary. Knowing that you are not alone in how you feel can help you to reconnect because I know I felt so detached and isolated.
How do you tell someone you hurt all the time and you don’t know why? The frightening memories that I had suppressed from my conscious self resided in the dark recesses of the soul fighting to get out. The more I pushed them down the further I began sink as well.
Reconciling the past and then leaving it where it belongs can be a difficult thing. I read not too long ago that you can not appreciate the light without being in the darkness. You cannot appreciate being happy without knowing sadness. It is true.
Today I feel a sadness for a woman I have not seen likely in forty years. What I have learned recently though is how our energy touches each other and helps to shape each of us. I would not be the person I am today without the experiences I gone through.
And I love the person I am becoming. Yes, I am still stumbling along but you know I’ve seen the core of who I am. I’ve had that moment when, in all my vulnerability, I have seen the simply beauty of my spirit.
No, I am not there all the time. In fact, it’s really tough to get there, to be in that state of being that knows no want, no need…where the soul is content to just be. Always the challenge of this world and the energy and stimuli that surrounds us all impacts me, but just knowing what resides in my person will always be enough to keep me pushing forward and shedding this ego that still haunts me.
To all of those souls that are hurting, I pray that you will know the simple beauty of watching the sun rise or watching the rain; that you will know the power of forgiveness and the pure energy of love. Be open to it and it will come.
And to Kathleen…please be well.