Since surgery occurred sleep has become a casualty. I’ve not slept through the night in restful slumber once. My dreams have a been a chaotic mess driven by anxiety, along with physical imbalances and likely energy imbalances as well. While I had hoped to be more stolid in my approach to my meditations, achieving a quiet mind has been damn near impossible.
I am watching my body become what I am not too certain. The lack of physical exercise is beginning to affect me. I had thought I wouldn’t be perspiring heavily any longer but it would seem that I am more often than not in a liquid state.
All part of the healing process no doubt. I tell myself daily as I rise from my bed and gaze at the reflection of a worn woman in the mirror that ‘ I’ll get through this. Energy is returning each day. Soon I’ll be back enjoying the full mobility I had prior to and find that level of health I’ve been seeking.’
Last night I had a cramp in one of my legs. I had managed to go through all of Saturday with no painkillers so I just tried to tough it out. At 6:00 AM I rose and took the damn pill. At 7:00 AM I gave up trying to get any sleep and put the coffee on.
It is beautiful outside this morning. I’ll be going out shortly for a walk. I’ve been thinking of the things I need to take away from this experience. The lessons, the insight gained?
Images of a one-legged runner move through my head. Terry Fox was so young when he lost his life to cancer. Yet his bravery and motivation to make a difference and find a cure touched not just a nation, but an entire global community. I found myself wondering if he cried at night the way that I have sometimes. Did he feel angry that his life was being taken from him despite how hard he fought to keep it. I would think he did.
My life will carry on. How I choose to live it and in what capacity is to be determined. My hope is that when I do leave this world I will leave a positive footprint in my wake. The aches and pains of healing and of growth will continue on and yes, I will whimper my way through.
I spent a large part of my life trying to convince not only the world but myself too, that I was one tough little cookie. Not so. I built the walls up to give the appearance of such, but I discovered that in so doing, not only did I keep out the hurt but love could not grow and flourish either. It was a very lonely place to be.
When I began to tear down that wall of mine, I released myself from the emotional exile I had unknowingly sentenced myself to. And oh, the moment of reckoning…of seeing my soul for the very first time in all its vulnerability…my god, what a beautiful experience!
Sleep will eventually return to normal, the physical self will heal. I will crawl from my bed on Friday mornings once more to run with the world that surrounds me, always with the spirit of horse at my side. I’ll continue to pursue my passions to write and learn the craft of photography. Always I will strive to be a more loving and caring individual.
If I’ve not said it recently, let me thank all of you who follow these posts of mine. While I learn about these social networks, I want to ensure that anything I do post here comes from my authentic self, from my heart…nothing more.
I suppose as I have researched these sites over the last year, I look to my motivation for doing this. It has not changed. It is still an opportunity to practice the craft of writing. It is an opportunity to share a bit of myself with this world.
And as I move past these ailments that have plagued me, know that I still wake each day with the same child-like exuberance I always do, albeit a bit more sleep as of late. Being given one more day, one more moment, one more opportunity to get to that point where I can look around me and say, ‘I have enough. Enough love, enough food, enough joy, enough bliss, enough..’