This has been a decent week. My energy has been increasing daily. The Throne Room Theatrics have become uneventful, I am happy to report. The physical self seems to be returning to some kind of normalcy. I have reduced the number of painkillers to no more than two per day and am getting out for several walks now.
Last night I finished the copy-edit on my book, now I will do the final read through before shipping it off for formatting.
Oddly enough, prior to surgery, I thought I would have a little more energy than I currently do. Perhaps I am being a little hard on myself. I’ve cooked a few meals and done some light cleaning. Oh, I know, for four more weeks I am restricted from strenuous exercise and heavy lifting. Who knows how I’ll feel during chemotherapy and radiation. That will the next mystery to unfold.
Then the thought occurred that today is the two-week marker. I stilled for a moment, then had a rush of emotions wash over me and felt the tears suddenly well up. I’ve tried to manage this issue with an almost detached sense of ‘business as usual’ mentality, to not take it personally. Perhaps I should change my thinking.
The enormity of it slipped in. It is not a question of strength or bravery that I am managing things in the manner that I have. I really don’t see myself as all that brave really. In fact, I would say when it comes to pain I am likely a bit of a wimp. For me, I simple have an incredible desire to live. It is this that propels me forward. I am looking at the end result and seeing a healthy and vibrant woman.
Now I have to ask…is it necessary to go through what was mentioned?
I have been looking at the side effects of chemotherapy. There are many. The biggest and potentially life-threatening one is the damage that can be done to the organs, particularly the heart. I had a stent put in two years ago. Yes, in March of this year I received a glowing report on my heart…but chemo can cause damage. This scares the hell out of me.
Funny thing is, prior to surgery there was no mention of chemo. Radiation was on the table but not chemo. Why now? Is it necessary to go in and kill every type of cell in my body…all bacteria, etc.? Is it necessary to punish the body in this manner to eradicate ‘the possibility’ that they didn’t get all the cancer?
So I am confused. I have not heard back from the Cancer Agency as to when they want me to come and discuss all of this. I will have a host of questions. The biggest though is regarding my heart.
What I do know is that I am looking forward to running again, to sleeping through the night, to having my energy thriving once more.
These days relaxing in bed seems near impossible. The pressure points become a source of discomfort very quickly, despite the effort to just relax into them. I am looking forward to returning to work next week. I am not one who finds being in a prolonged restive state particularly conducive to my health. I know that lactate acids can build in such a sedentary state. And movement and mobility have become synonymous with freedom for me.
And so I just keep breathing and pushing through.
Good health and love to all of you.