This past week I have reflected on many things. Much as been thought out regarding where I stand currently in this life of mine and what I am working toward. We all want to be happy, don’t we? Sometimes I don’t know about that.
There are still people in my life who unfortunately have remained in a toxic state of darkness. Now I sit here pondering if I need to sever these relationships or do I continue on as I have. Offering support that is never taken, offering ideas that are always shot down, offering hope that has always been dismissed.
Can I walk away?
The following poem is directed to a family member. My wish has and always will be that she find solace and peace.
You sit alone in darkness,
And wonder why I won’t come in,
I spent too many years there,
It is its own hell for sure,
Now I’m telling you there is a way out,
Yet you embrace the darkness like a lover,
And it’s killing you.
The divide has become deeper,
All you have to do is try,
It really is just that simple,
You have a choice.
You spit out insults with no regard as to where the barbs may land,
An angry epitaph to the pain that binds,
I understand this and know how the soul bleeds out.
You stand before me telling me how everything was taken from you,
All the wrongs that have been done and the list is long,
Real and imagined.
Each word I offer in support is twisted to a judgment of sorts,
Let me ask you this,
Did you ever once fight to keep what you held so dear?
Did you ever once take a stand?
I’ve watched you sink ever deeper in your despair,
Validating every wrong done to you by allowing them the shape you.
And in this dark and forbidding hell you’ve become so bitter and cold,
I see the spirit crushed and want nothing more than to wrap you in love.
It is met with hostility.
Where do we go from here?
We have a choice.
I found the power of forgiveness long ago,
A sweeter balm I have never known,
How do I tell you this is where it starts when you look at me with condemnation,
How do I invite you into the light when you have hung onto the ugly tendrils of a life forfeit?
So many opportunities afforded to you,
Yet you’ll challenge me on each one named,
Like a badge of misguided remorse you remind me time and again of who took these from you,
Yet you could change this,
You have a choice.
Now I sit and wonder,
Can I continue on watching your slow death?
Never have I been angry…just sad.
So I’ll hold my hand out one more time and pray that you will take it,
I can no longer be witness to your demise.
The time has come to make a choice.
It is hard thing to watch a family member who chooses not to help themselves. More difficult is the decision to walk away. To let her know that I am always here should she decide to make some changes, but I can’t do it for her. Always that has been the issue. I know that this will be viewed as abandonment on her end. Another mark against me. That I am judging her. I am not. Always I will love her, but I don’t think I can take being in that toxic cesspool she has chosen has her life.
I take one last shot then I must walk away. Each time I leave her residence, I feel its stain on me. Yet she has become so comfortable in its carnage, becoming a part of it.
My prayers will always be for her to find some peace in her life.