Has day four begins in the healing plan, I am contemplating for the first time how I feel about all this. Physically I feel weaker. Even the words that typically cascade through my grey matter and end up on this screen seem to be at the bottom of an abyss these days and a part of me feels a little too lazy to dig down and retrieve them.
It could be the drugs, it could be body’s need to rest. I do get sleepy quite easily. It could be the heat. It could be a combination of all of the above.
My daughter asked me the other day how I felt. Did I feel hollow? Could I tell nothing was there? I don’t think hollow would be the descriptive text I would use in this case. Anyway it is too early to give an accurate telling. I had reconciled that this part of my anatomy would be removed. I’m cool with it.
A healing plan is in place. I am out walking a four block loop twice a day. We are eating an uber healthy diet and I am being the best little patient, ever!
Vancouver entered into a heat wave this weekend as well, so part of the lethargy that I am feeling no doubt can be attributed to this. Apparently I will no longer have hot flashes, which excites me to no end. Can it be true? At the moment though I feel as though I am a singular sweat gland that has not closed in a millennium.
I am sitting here, eating my fruit salad and trying to stab a grape with my fork…it’s not going so well.
And what can I share with all of you that may be of interest in this experience? Well, there is a deeper resolve now to follow my passions.
At the end of this six week healing plan I will take my daughter out for a celebratory dinner and enjoy a brew or two. I may decide upon a particularly good vintage as well. Vasser Felix Shiraz, look out!
Then I will be introducing the body to the gym again, to running, to movement. I will enjoy the freedom of it in a body reborn, in a body that is clean, in a body that is healthy.
What do I feel?
At this very moment a part of me knows the cancer is gone. And there is a quiet joy coursing through me. I am grateful. I am gazing at my secret garden and contemplating what sex will feel like once I am healed. As the good doctor said, “Don’t put anything in your vagina for six weeks.” I smiled at this. “In other words, no sex?” And she smiled back. “Yes. Exactly.”
In truth, I don’t feel particularly sexy. I think that’s a given that having surgery may have dampen the mood, so to speak. The next week I will be focusing on copy editing. I was reviewing a few blogs earlier that I follow. One woman is celebrating three months on here. She has 42,000 hits and 4,050 followers. This is still a part of blogging that I don’t really understand. The marketing of it, developing traffic. I suppose in time I’ll figure it out. In the meantime, I’ll keep at it. Much to focus on in the next week.
Enjoy your day all!