I have been rather contemplative the last few days. I see how this affecting those around me and it is distressing. I tell them that I am going to be just fine and yet I see the worry reflected in their eyes. Still, if someone close to me told me the same thing, I would likely look at them in the same manner so their concern is warranted.
My daughter is taking this particularly hard. We have such a close relationship and its one we both value above all else. She will be coming to stay with me for a few months and I am going to set up times for us to really get into some deep meditations.
One thing that I have been working on over the last few years is living in the moment. Not an easy thing to do actually, but I will say that since this stuff has come up with my health I have become far more aligned with this mindset. The last six months or so I have really struggled with myself. I have spoken about those moments of indecision, of when I make choices not in keeping with where I am today but rather influenced by the past that once ruled me.
Indeed I found my behaviour very curious at times. It all comes down to ego, however, and letting those doubts that have weighed me down come back and actually give them audience once more. As I have noted as well, changing behaviour patterns that have been ingrained since birth is not easy.
What has been particularly strange is that I allow myself to do these things well aware of the ramifications simply to prove to myself that they are bad ideas. Oh yes, I know…as if I really need any more proof with cognitive thinking. (Insert heavy sigh)
There is a certain clarity at this moment with where I am at. The funny thing is when I first received the diagnosis, I felt downright reckless. I want to go out and do something monumentally foolish. This emotion lasted for a nanosecond and then the rational aspect came out once more to reason this thing out.
There is no reason though. That’s the weird thing in all this. I can only accept this for what it is, find the remedy and apply it. There are always lessons to be gleaned from such events. How I deal with this event will in fact make me stronger. For me it is the hospital that scares me the most. I know that this should be the part that reassures and heals but hospitals make me feel frail. Not something I am comfortable with.
So I am focusing my energy body on absorbing and accepting my frailty. Rather than reject this about self, just soak it up and know that like every other being on this planet I am subject and susceptible to my environment and to illness. I am not being fatalistic in this, just accepting of the human condition.
My life force is strong. Other than feeling like I have an inner tube inflated around my lower abdomen, which is more of a discomfort than anything else, I feel fine. I will be running tonight with my group. Looks like I could get wet tonight as its raining pretty good out there. But hey, if there is one thing I do love it’s getting caught in the rain.
Enjoy your day.