Yesterday was a tearful one. I really let myself own the fear that had closed around me. I find this is the easiest way to deal with it. Once its mine I can manage it.
If I deny it and try holding it out then it seemingly grows, becoming larger and more ominous. So I had my ‘why me’ moment yesterday. And who knows, I may have a few more of them before I am through all of the this.
I sat in meditation trying to find the quiet mind. As you might expect the mind was having none of that. Quiet? Nope. More like insidiously loud with all these queries wanting an immediate answer.
And you know the funny thing too, is that as I have disclosed my condition to friends and family, I have observered their emotional response and I find myself consoling them. Don’t be afraid for me. I can do that very well for myself, thanks. Just tell me you love me and send that postive energy my way. That’s all that I need right now to get me through this.
Still I think everyone responds differently to this type of news and I know it is never easy when someone close to you is going through something like this. For me it is strange to be the subject in question. Not something I am accustomed to. I don’t plan on getting too familiar with it either.
I will get through this. I will be planning ahead for the two places I am currenlty employed. I can make up alot of predated payroll, rent and tax info. Once I know the length of recovery I can put all of this into play and see if a temp will be required at that time. I formatted the book in its entirety yesterday and am doing the final read through. My daughter is finishing up the cover.
I will then be sending this out for one last beta read and then we will laumch this baby.
So I will be busy over the next little while. I will be back in the gym tomorrow and will resume running at least twice a week. I know I will have to take a break from physical exercise for a brief amount of time after the surgery.
Indeed, I got online yesterday trying to better understand what’s going on with me. And I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know myself well enough to know that taking generalized information and turning it into a personal application is something of a specialty with me. Considering my over active imagination and the fact that I am something of a neurotic at times. And I say this with the broadest of smiles on my face.
Yet, I put myself through the wringer regardless of these well known facts about self.
It is Mother’s Day today. And to all the mom’s out there I wish you a happy one.
My daughter will be by later to pamper me. It’s part of the contract, you see. 🙂
Nah. I got lucky with her. Man! From the day she was born she has been a blessing in my life. No greater gift has been afforded me than this child of mine. I muddled through parenting like a blind man walking down the middle of a busy highway. Somehow everything turned out quite fabulous.
Now I can stand next to this extraordinary young woman and call her friend as well.
It is raining outside. The April showers might well have brough May flowers…but May has for today at least decided on a monsoon.
Peace out everyone. Thanks for stopping by.