I’ve been on this little high as of late since finishing the 1/2 Marathon on Sunday. I was recovering well. The aches and pains were dissipating as they should…perhaps even quicker than expected.
I got a call the other day from my doctor who is dealing with the reproductive issues that cropped up during my training. Results were in from the biopsy. And so I got to work early today. Motored through trying to get all this work done in half the time. I managed as I typically do.
The results were not what I expected. And I wasn’t sure how to respond. The good doctor, in a direct and abrupt way informed me that I’ve got Uterine Cancer. The words didn’t quite filter in at first. I just sat there looking at him. He pulled out some diagrams of the reproductive system and explained that another sample would be required today, however, it would not be as uncomfortable as previous exams.
And I sat there looking at him feeling that I had been pulled back into one of those bad dreams I used to have when I was younger. The kind that frightened and haunted me.
Now, I could say this is not supposed to happen. I could say ‘Why me?’
Guess what? There is no pick and choose with these things…they just happen and we don’t know why. I know this.
Still, it took about a good half hour to hit. That slow sucker punch. You don’t know you’ve been K.O.’d until you fall.
Then the tears came, in a rush. Fear danced enticingly around me. The mind begins to race. Several scenarios are running through my head. Oddly enough I am wondering if I will still be sexually responsive after all this.
Then as the doctor is sitting there discussing treatment I am wondering why the hell I am thinking about being sexually responsive. From this I jumped into a brief visual of all that I would likely be undergoing in the next little while. And the funny thing is…I am still just a few minutes into this so I really have no knowledge of what awaits me.
Anxiety now kicks in big time. Talk of lymph nodes coming out along with a full on hysterectomy, hopefully the variety that doesn’t involve leaving a big incision on the stomach, followed up by radiation treatments….
Realization hits home. This isn’t good. I am numb. I don’t know what to feel.
I leave trying desperately to keep it together. But the tears are starting. I need a drink and make my way down to the Heritage Grill to digest what has just been imparted to me. None of this seems real.
I called my daughter as I said I would. Best to get it out. There is no easy way to say this.
“Bad news, baby. I’ve got cancer.” Sounded very strange to say this.
Fuck. That’s how I feel.
I’ll have my cry, feel sorry for myself for 10 minutes then get on with it. But you know…I’m scared.
Once again I am feeling my mortality is being offered up. I know one day I will day I will die. Just not for another 40 or so odd years, you know?
I am sipping my beer letting this latest turn of events regarding my health sink in.
What to say? What to think? What to do?
There are no guarantees in this life. The emotions that have been ripping through me in the last couple of hours have had the intensity of a freight train. I know at the end of all of this I will have the resolve to just get on with it…but at the moment…
I’m just scared.