Laying in bed this morning I experienced a bit of anxiety regarding my run. I came very close to not going. The head was really messing with me.
“The legs aren’t ready.” That was the little seed of doubt that nibbled at my conscience. That age-old warlord, Fear, whispered so succinctly that I wouldn’t be ready.
But I threw off the covers and thought ‘I have to get out there and just do it’. And I did.
I had a great run. It’s not just the legs that are back, but all of me is back into this. A few revelations struck me during the course. The conversation I explored with self was quite revealing. I thought about the last month and some of the health issues that have just come out of left field. Words were being thrown at me such as ‘cancer’ and ‘surgery’. Initially I cried and felt my mortality in a manner that I don’t really care for. Having some unknown threat possibly residing in my physical body was unnerving. I pushed it down and continued on putting on a brave face.
‘Can’t let them see how scared I really am.‘
And I kept pushing the body. Demanding that it perform and when if faltered, I pushed it harder as the tendrils of panic began to push to the surface. ‘What if there really is something wrong with me?’
I denied the idea but it was still there. Then I began to recover. A few good runs in and I was beginning to feel confident again. Last Sunday, yet another collapse due to medication I needed to take for an examination at the doctor’s. What was frightening in that experience was when the pain radiated down my legs and my feet began to go numb. Then the quiet panic I had been pushing down turned into a dull roar.
This week I have not done any exercise other than walk. I wanted to ensure that the medication was cleared out of my system before I embarked on my fitness regime once more. So this morning was the first good workout since last Sunday’s event. And I was strong. I did a solid 6 KM run and it felt fantastic.
The body is rested and moreover the emotional self has settled as well. I am feeling healthy and well.
I need to listen to my body and not push it out of fear.
You see, I found a freedom in running. This transformation of mine has been remarkable and it is still ongoing. So this is something I want to be able to do for a very long time to come. And what I realized this morning is that the races don’t really matter. Just getting up on Friday’s and going for my run and participating with my running group is enough. I do these things because I love to run and how it makes me feel. The distance doesn’t matter. It never has and it never will.
And I knew this morning that the 1/2 marathon will just be a run like any other. That I have been stressing about not being ready for it and having missed some ‘key’ training runs. This compounded with some of the other health concerns that were raised recently have caused a bit of chaos internally.
This morning I realized I just want to move. Just let me run. I don’t have to be fast and I don’t have to run far. Just let me hold onto this and let it remain with me to the end of my days.
What I have discovered and been given from running once more I never want to lose again.
So it is safe to say I am back. Heart and soul I am back.