I was singing John Lennon’s song ‘Starting Over’ and it occurred to me how many times in my life I feel like I have done just that.
I have gone down more roads that have ended abruptly than I care to remember. The thing is even while having discovered that particular ‘end’ I was persistent in trying to change it and extend it, before accepting that I had taken yet another detour resulting in self feeling rather suspended and a little discombobulated.
And so I am reviewing the motivation and point of training for the 1/2 marathon. Oh, I will complete this run. No doubt there. But my purpose starting out was to pull myself together, to tie all the loose ends up nice and neat and step out into the world a whole and complete woman, confident, glowing and enjoying optimum health and wellness.
I have just over four weeks before I participate in this race. Am I close to my goal of the idealistic sense of self that I am seeking?
No. I am not. In fact, I feel like I have come apart a bit more but not in a way that in necessarily detrimental to me. I have had a lot of emotional components come to the surface that I have accepted and begun to work through. I guess if anything, I am surprised by how many more layers need to be dealt with. That was my first little reality check in.
Is my vision of the person I am trying to become a little on the naive side? Perhaps.
I am committed though to being true to myself. It isn’t as easy as it sounds. And if the vision that I originally had doesn’t materialize then perhaps I am entertaining an illusion of sorts. The other thought that occurred is that perhaps I am already there only I am moving through different versions of this manifested self. The discovery of being is an interesting one that constantly changes with the influences and energy that surround and feed the spirit.
Perhaps the biggest lesson I am learning through this experience is that I should be focusing just on today, not who I perceive will cross the finish line. It will certainly be me that crosses the finish line. So why am I so preoccupied with my transformation and its evolutionary path? I suppose it is yet another lesson learned.
Just as with my emotional healing, my physical self feels as though it is reflecting these internal and external challenges. And I would imagine they are. In many ways I feel like I am starting over. Refining what has been gained and inching forward on this odd little quest.
I want to get to that place where should I look in the mirror and ask, “Are you content? Have you found your enoughness?” The answer will be ‘Yes‘.
And perhaps I can’t have that until I let go of all the baggage….all the pain….all the hurt. What I must acknowledge too is that it took a lifetime to accumulate all this crap, so as much as I want to rid myself of it…there is a process that needs to be adhered to. If I stick to that, I’ll be just fine.
With every thing that I finish and mark as an accomplishment of sorts, what waits are several new beginnings.
And so even as surely as I finish the race, yet another path will open to be explored. I’m not hanging around the dead ends any longer. I recognize how shallow they are rather quickly these days and move on.
And so the process begins again.