In Traing (Day 83)….Just Breathe!


Lions Gate BridgeI did it!  The legs are coming back!  I am feeling so strong right now too.  I rose a little after 6:00 AM this morning and prepared for my run.

As planned I parked my car at English Bay then took a cab to the starting point.  I had wanted to start running around 7:00 AM but it was about 7:50 AM by the time I began.  I was just hoping the legs would feel pretty good and they did.

The emotions that ran through me today were just amazing.  My daughter turns 30 years old tomorrow and I reflected on what has transpired over the span of these last 30 years since I entered into my role as a mother.  It has been one hell of a ride!  Many lessons have been learned along the way.  Some were easier than others.

And as I ran today I completed my longest run to date.  I am stoked.  The emotions that passed through me… the doubt and the resolve and persistence to keep going.  And somewhere in that mix was the belief and wonder that I can still do this.

I thought of where I started with my daughter almost 30 years to the day.  It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and I was on my own.  The fear and the guilt weighed heavy on me.  Was I being selfish?

So many mixed emotions because in truth, I had no clue just what the hell I was doing. One Tree Island

She slept in a laundry basket for the first three weeks of her life as I scrounged around pulling together the basics.  Those nights when I would stare down at this beautiful life that was gifted to me.

Somehow I knew I had to make this work for her.  Somehow I had to correct the dysfunction that revolved around me.  I had been a cloud of ineptitude, a fractured being whose emotional state seemed to be in a constant state of flux.

I begged for love.  Watched it pass me by time and again, but then I didn’t really understand love at all.  I was confused by it.  Afraid of it.  At times I felt its power and then shrank back overwhelmed and unable to open myself completely to its beauty.

And now here I am, blossoming. The heart is opening fully and expanding.Seawall

Sometimes I wonder what it was I feared but when you are told throughout your formative years that you are just not worth it, well, it can do a number on you.

And now I accept that I have done some amazing things in this life!  I have come so far and I have so much more before me.  With each step I took, at times the burden seemed to be too much.   And I would dig a little deeper.  I had to.

And today was no different.  As the legs at times felt like lead weights, I pushed through it.  And when I finished I felt like I could fly.  Along with feeling stronger and having the best run in the last three weeks my confidence soared reassuring me that I will be able to do this.  It may not look the way I initially thought, but isn’t that joy of any journey?

It is a spectacular day outside and I  have a few errands still to do.  Enjoy your day and thank you for stopping by.  Many blessings to all of you!

English Bay

Namaste

 

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