As planned I parked my car at English Bay then took a cab to the starting point. I had wanted to start running around 7:00 AM but it was about 7:50 AM by the time I began. I was just hoping the legs would feel pretty good and they did.
The emotions that ran through me today were just amazing. My daughter turns 30 years old tomorrow and I reflected on what has transpired over the span of these last 30 years since I entered into my role as a mother. It has been one hell of a ride! Many lessons have been learned along the way. Some were easier than others.
And as I ran today I completed my longest run to date. I am stoked. The emotions that passed through me… the doubt and the resolve and persistence to keep going. And somewhere in that mix was the belief and wonder that I can still do this.
I thought of where I started with my daughter almost 30 years to the day. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and I was on my own. The fear and the guilt weighed heavy on me. Was I being selfish?
She slept in a laundry basket for the first three weeks of her life as I scrounged around pulling together the basics. Those nights when I would stare down at this beautiful life that was gifted to me.
Somehow I knew I had to make this work for her. Somehow I had to correct the dysfunction that revolved around me. I had been a cloud of ineptitude, a fractured being whose emotional state seemed to be in a constant state of flux.
I begged for love. Watched it pass me by time and again, but then I didn’t really understand love at all. I was confused by it. Afraid of it. At times I felt its power and then shrank back overwhelmed and unable to open myself completely to its beauty.
Sometimes I wonder what it was I feared but when you are told throughout your formative years that you are just not worth it, well, it can do a number on you.
And now I accept that I have done some amazing things in this life! I have come so far and I have so much more before me. With each step I took, at times the burden seemed to be too much. And I would dig a little deeper. I had to.
And today was no different. As the legs at times felt like lead weights, I pushed through it. And when I finished I felt like I could fly. Along with feeling stronger and having the best run in the last three weeks my confidence soared reassuring me that I will be able to do this. It may not look the way I initially thought, but isn’t that joy of any journey?
It is a spectacular day outside and I have a few errands still to do. Enjoy your day and thank you for stopping by. Many blessings to all of you!