I was tired yesterday and so began the second guessing of my 1/2 marathon challenge.
Yesterday’s attempt at running and the weakness I experienced concerned me I must say. I had run 11.5 km just prior to coming down with the flu. Am I expecting too much too soon? I found sleep rather elusive last night as I pondered why I was doing this and all the emotional blockages and physical issues that have come to the surface as a result. But then that was one of the points in doing this.
Most likely there is a correlation between the emotional and physical maladies that are occurring. There always is. I still don’t know what full and absolute wellness looks like for me. And now I wonder when I cross the finish line on May 5th, 2013 if that will be in evidence.
I must believe and do that some version of complete wellness will present itself as I cross the finish line. With each race I have run there has been a version of it in there.
I had a minor panic attack as I laid in bed last night gazing through the slats on the blinds in my room. I listened as the rain fell then asked myself if perhaps I had committed to something I am not ready to do. I don’t have to do this.
I felt the tears well up in my eyes then found the whole aspect to what I was feeling quite intriguing. Lets chase this emotion I decided and I jumped down the rabbit hole to explore where this fear was coming from. It is true that I have missed two key runs in preparation for this race due to illness. I am still weak as a result, but the fear that gripped me last night I realized had nothing to do with the actual physical aspect of running. It was the psychological aspect of running that was presenting itself to me. Anyone who runs knows there is an internal battle at times that you must work through.
And for me, because I am allowing a whole host of unfinished issues to rise to the surface during this time, it has taken on something of a life force of its own. Yesterday I covered a big area walking and running. I tried to will my legs to have the strength I needed.
Last night it struck me that this could happen on race day. I could begin to run and find that the legs are just not strong enough to complete the run. I made the decision then that regardless if I have to walk and run I will finish the race. The manner by which I finish it is not important. My strength will have returned. I know this.
I have plotted out the run that I intend to do on Good Friday. I have opted for that date to slip in a long run. It will be 16.5 km in length. I plan to run very early and it will be point to point. I want to leave the car at the finish line then take a taxi to my start point. This is a personal run that I need to do for self. I should have most of my strength back. I think this past week with all the little ‘surprises’ that occurred regarding my physical body a part of me felt as though I was falling apart.
And as the hour approached 1:00 AM I smiled at the notion that I was ‘falling apart’. No I decided. I was simply evolving. Sometimes growth is painful. And in the dark of morning I envisioned myself as a female hulk shedding all my inhibitions.
The mission will move forward as planned but I must say it has taken some interesting turns as of late. I am now at work and humming along on four hours sleep and I must say it is a fabulous looking day so far. I did sleep yesterday afternoon so I am not complete wired for sound…at least not yet.
A great Monday to all of you.