I am about halfway through this quest to come into my optimum health on all levels. How am I doing?
In many ways I feel like I have already run a marathon backwards and at other times I feel like a hamster in a wheel. I am running furiously but getting no where. The things that have cropped up emotionally I have accepted, and have begun to work through. I currently have a variety of emotional blockages to clear. The visual that I had for this process is far different from reality that I am living.
After a week of being sick I went for my run yesterday. I was supposed to run 12.5 km but I opted for the one hour walk/run class. We covered about half the distance. This was a 3 1/2 minute run and 1 1/2 minute walk cycle. And my legs felt like I had moon boots on. That a virus can sweep through your body and suck all the energy out of it making it seem as if you’ve never run a step in your life is amazing to me.
This will be a transition week for me. I will likely do another walk/run session on Tuesday and then on Friday I will run 5 km. If I can get three workouts in at the gym as well by Sunday I should be able to run with the pace group I have been training with.
I had thought this would go far smoother than what it has. The final challenge to lose all those inhibitions. Oddly enough that fortress of comfort I have designed for self is not that easy to shed. The final remnants of insecurities, doubt and fear are hanging on like blood suckers determined not to be discarded. Consequently I almost feel like I’ve been standing still this whole time even though I know I have made progress. These days I must remind self constantly that I am strong enough to get through this. That my vulnerability is one of my greatest strengths. To be able to stand naked to this world and say this is who I am and I like it. To be able to listen to my heart and if it tells me to beware, then I should listen and guard myself accordingly. It is, I am finding, a delicate balance.
Yesterday I felt so weak. As though I were beginning at the start once more. What I realized as I dug deeper with the legs exhausted near the end that its okay if I start at the beginning again. I really don’t mind it at all. Perhaps there was a vital piece of information I missed the last time through that I will gain is this go round.
And while at the moment I feel like a blow fish with moon boots on, I will persevere. I am adaptable and I will rise to the challenge. Again, at the outset of this challenge I had no idea what I would like crossing the finish line. It is even more of a mystery now.