This has been an unusal weekend. I was to run this morning, however, I am not feeling great and decided to just rest up. There are at times these irrational fears that grip me regarding my health. If you have followed this blog for sometime then you might well know that on December 6, 2011 I had a heart procedure done. A stent was put in for what I found out later was a 95% blockage. I had no symptoms. For a year afterward I took the blood thinner Plavix which saw me as one continual bruise. I went off the medication in December 2012. I will still have to take the cholesterol medicaton and low-dose aspirin which I am fine with.
So why now when a flutter or a tightness occurs do suddenly find myself so anxiety ridden? My doctor is setting up further tests now to ensure everything is as it should be.
I guess I let that little sliver of doubt slip in that whispered so succintly “What if it isn’t?”
I am not someone who typically gets freaked out by this stuff, but then I have never had to deal with something of this magnitude before. I am only 55 years of age. I want to live a whole lot longer. I want to write a lot of books, take a lot of photos. I want to travel and see more of this world. I want to make a difference in this world….somehow. I want to find and know love in all its beauty.
My shoulders are really tight right now. I have been having issues with them so there is a tightness right across the my upper body. There is this part of me that wonders how I would know if there was something wrong. I will have to research this as I don’t want to become an anxiety ridden wreck.
As my doctor pointed recently, I am doing all the right things I just have genetics against me.
And it is frightening at times. I have always been on my own. Independent out of necessity. Strong because I had to be. There are times when I wish I could just cry and have someone tell me that everything was going to be fine. I am trying to relax right now. Not let the imagination get too carried away.
I just put my website up today. Still alot of work to be done on it but its coming. If you would like to check it out and offer any feedback it is at:
I am trying to understand Twitter a bit more too. Though this one is still has me a bit flumoxed.
There is this part of me that just keeps whispering “I want to live. Really live.”
What you should know is that for much of my life I feel as though I just existed. Just went through the motions. In the past couple of years an awakening has taken place. An urgency then followed to really begin exploring and experiencing the fabric of life. I embraced this with such a passion and just ran with it. Then these health issues cropped up.
I know I just have to deal with them. I can’t let myself be scared but every once in while I feel my mortality. I feel my vulnerabity, my humanness and its short comings.
And all I can hope for is that I am granted one more day…