As I was laying in the steam room this morning after my workout I got to thinking about why certain things are so hard to face up to and other things are just really difficult to discuss. I have been something of a master when it comes to avoidance. I will skirt around an issue and brush up against it. Then somehow I manage to convince myself that I have dealt with said issue. To give you an example, one of the BIG issues I have been working on over the last few years has been my fear of intimacy. I was pretty much celibate for 28 years (just two one stands in that time period). The disconnect to my sexual self was devastatingly. When I finally decided to address it I thought that just by having sex again and liking it would correct the issue. No, not quite.
Thus began the journey to sort out my sexual dysfunction. I needed to immerse myself in the why’s and wherefore’s. I had to understand not only why I had developed certain behaviour patterns, but I also had to identify them and then change them.
It was rather strange at first when I did become sexually active again because I sort of picked up where I left off. I am a woman in her early 50’s, successful and responsible, and I awakened the side of self that was stuck with a teenage mentality surrounding sex. I never ‘grew up’ sexually you see. I do understand the reasons why that is and I won’t go into that now. That is another story all together.
I have been working through these issues and I am in a far better place now than I was a couple of years ago. When I first started to address my sexual issues I was so off balance emotionally. And how to tell your boss that? How to explain that you feel a bit like you’re losing your head? Well, in my case, I didn’t say a word. Not to anyone on the job. Eventually I would confide in a woman I do work with as we have become close, but for the first year I was just winging it.
At times I found it hard to focus on the job at hand. One of those little ’emotional echoes’ that I have referred to would show up and I would just feel like sobbing. Did my work suffer? To a degree. My productivity wasn’t as good as I would have liked it. I do have a rather high standard that I adhere in this regard. Still, I got the job done. I always do.
There have been times when I still do this little dance rather than just deal with the issue. One of the reasons that I took on the challenge of running a 1/2 marathon is quite simply that I need to focus on my physical well being. In doing this I will be focusing on the issues that continually sabotage the physical self. Those are the emotional components, the sexual dysfunctions that still exist and the acceptance of self in every way that I have discussed previously that I am working on.
No beer will be consumed during the first four months. There have been times when the painful facts of life have come up and tossing back a few pints has taken the edge off. I am just avoiding the issues though, and I know this. I feel strong enough to get through this last hurdle.
I want to be healthy in every sense. I want to feel liberated. I want to become that person I was truly meant to be. And you know its funny, I will motor along and be doing just great and bam! I’ll hit the proverbial wall. Lately I have been hitting it quite a bit. I am four weeks into my training now and one of the biggest things I need to focus on is trusting myself and being strong enough to show my vulnerability in all its strength.
As I was turning pink in the steam room it occurred to me that I have a tendency to try and win the affections and approval of most everyone I meet and if they don’t take to me, then I will at times make an additional effort to try and win the person over. What I need to understand is that not everyone is going to like me and accept that its okay. As long as I like who I am becoming and let that shine through, that’s what matters.
Ah, yes the facts of life. They are not always quite so factual, are they?
And I continue on, one step at a time.