Guess I could ask myself why I am going to such lengths to find a higher level of expectations from self. The answer would likely be why not? Spending a lifetime accepting mediocrity and settling for…well, just settling. Why not throw down the gauntlet? Why not see just what I’m made of?
I am gazing out at a beautiful vista right now. We have a beautiful sunny winter day going on here in Vancouver. A fog rolled into the Burrard Inlet and this has lent a rather mystical quality to the view before me.
I had a really good workout this morning and took the time to go for a steam afterward. As I laid there letting the steam work its way into my muscles, I got to thinking about how reactive I still can be at times. These odd behaviours just seem to erupt. I really started to examine the reasons for this as I laid there it occurred to me that this usually happens when I typically feel insecure for whatever reason. And the thing of it is quite often these days the reason for feeling that I don’t measure up is usually unsubstantiated.
I have mentioned before that I am working on moving about this world comfortably in my vulnerability and from my heart, not my head. So when something comes up where perhaps I don’t know quite how to react (again the whole boundary thing) then I tend come off sometimes as aloof, brazen, obnoxious or all three. And this can in fact insult the person with whom I am interacting though it is not meant to be so on my part.
One thing I will say, I have become much better at recognizing these reactions and I do try to remedy them. Still, it has a way of isolating oneself and that is not what I wish to do. An example would be at a job interview where I was rather nervous. The conversation was going well and he made a comment which struck me as amusing. Rather than just smile and nod, I had to up the ante and ended up blurting out a rather crass retort as a result of the nervousness. Perhaps for a nanosecond I thought I was being witty. Even as the words were slipping from my lips I was trying to pull them back. It was just that fast.
No sooner had they been spoken and the whole dynamic of the interview changed and I knew in that moment this opportunity was lost to me. So again, the need to reign myself in and establish certain boundaries and protocol.
I have improved greatly over the years in this regard. Still, it sometimes slips away from me.
If you are asking why I developed these tactics to begin with, I would think that in my head at a young age I saw it as more of a defensive behaviour. Any feelings of intimidation or insecurity on my part would be displayed with a rather brash and harsh reaction. This was to cover the girl who was so easily hurt it seemed by a word or by a look. I had practiced at being invisible all my life but I so wanted to be seen, wanted to be heard.
Again these are some the issues I am trying to streamline into self.
So I guess that is why I am biting off the challenge that I am. It goes deeper than just a run as I have stated. In this time period I will be releasing my book. I will be expanding and growing. I will continue to let go of ego. And I am excited at the paths that continue to materialize before me. To recognize and rise to my full potential. Nothing more, nothing less.