In Training (Day 12)….Why?

Guess I could ask myself why I am going to such lengths to find a higher level of expectations from self.  The answer would likely be why not?  Spending a lifetime accepting mediocrity and settling for…well, just settling.   Why not throw down the gauntlet?  Why not see just what I’m made of?

I am gazing out at a beautiful vista right now.  We have a beautiful sunny winter day going on here in Vancouver.  A fog rolled into the Burrard Inlet and this has lent a rather mystical quality to the view before me.

I had a really good workout this morning and took the time to go for a steam afterward.  As I laid there letting the steam work its way into my muscles, I got to thinking about how reactive I still can be at times.  These odd behaviours just seem to erupt.  I really started to examine the reasons for this as I laid there  it occurred to me that this usually happens when I typically feel insecure for whatever reason.  And the thing of it is quite often these days the reason for feeling that I don’t measure up is usually unsubstantiated.

I have mentioned before that I am working on moving about this world comfortably in my vulnerability and from my heart, not my head.  So when something comes up where perhaps I don’t know quite how to react (again the whole boundary thing) then I tend come off sometimes as aloof, brazen, obnoxious or all three.  And this can in fact insult the person with whom I am interacting though it is not meant to be so on my part.

One thing I will say, I have become much better at recognizing these reactions and I do try to remedy them.  Still, it has a way of isolating oneself and that is not what I wish to do.  An example would be at a job interview where I was rather nervous.  The conversation was going well and he made a comment which struck me as amusing.  Rather than just smile and nod, I had to up the ante and ended up blurting out a rather crass retort as a result of the nervousness.  Perhaps for a nanosecond I thought I was being witty.  Even as the words were slipping from my lips I was trying to pull them back.  It was just that fast.

No sooner had they been spoken and the whole dynamic of the interview changed and I knew in that moment this opportunity was lost to me.  So again, the need to reign myself in and establish certain boundaries and protocol.

I have improved greatly over the years in this regard.  Still, it sometimes slips away from me.

If you are asking why I developed these tactics to begin with, I would think that in my head at a young age I saw it as more of a defensive behaviour.  Any feelings of intimidation or insecurity on my part would be displayed with a rather brash and harsh reaction.  This was to cover the girl who was so easily hurt it seemed by a word or by a look.  I had practiced at being invisible all my life but I so wanted to be seen, wanted to be heard.

Again these are some the issues I am trying to streamline into self.

So I guess that is why I am biting off the challenge that I am.  It goes deeper than just a run as I have stated.  In this time period I will be releasing my book.  I will be expanding and growing.  I will continue to let go of ego.  And I am excited at the paths that continue to materialize before me.   To recognize and rise to my full potential.  Nothing more, nothing less.



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