This is the third official day of training. I am sure I have mentioned that I signed up for the BMO 1/2 Marathon on May 5, 2013 here in Vancouver. I have just under four months now to whip myself into peak performance. I also mentioned that for me this is a culmination of all that I have been working on the past few years. It’s not just the physical aspect of it. I don’t want to get too long winded on why I have operated as something of a fractured being for the majority of my life. Let’s just say that I have been working to connect all the parts. Developing those all important neuropathways and re-writing the programming. Not easy to change the operation system on a 54 year old woman. Some of those programs were pretty deeply embedded.
I am making personal growth and expansion of self sound rather technical, I know. But in many ways, that is precisely what happens. If you are told during your formative years that you are never going to amount to anything and that you are worthless, chances are that is how you will see yourself. And behaviour patterns are developed at a subconscious level to support this.
You will indeed begin to live up to or perhaps I should say live down to those expectations that have been put forth. Now this doesn’t happen all the time. How each of us responds to negative and/or positive reinforcements varies widely. How many times have you heard it said that someone was just a bad seed, that they were given everything.
Then you have someone who lived through virtual hell and they turn out to be a shining example of humanity?
What we see from the outside looking in can be very deceiving, yes? How trauma, regardless of its severity, affects a person is as individual and unique as each of us are.
What it comes down to is choice. To have that cognitive reasoning that you are a certain way because of certain events in your life, does one remain in that cycle or move out of it and grow?
I made my choice. I didn’t like who I had become. I saw a pathetic woman mired in pain and hurt who just couldn’t seem to help herself if she tried. I buried myself in poor eating habits and continually looked for someone to come and save me from myself. I lived in fear as it was all I had known.
With the decision to break down some of the walls I had built to protect my fragile and vulnerable heart, what I began to find is the heart wasn’t all that fragile. It was in fact the head that was fragile. The heart was strong and beckoned for me to listen. I did and I found a strength within that just blew me out of the water.
For the last 18 years or so I have been steadily tearing down walls (I built a whole hell of a lot of them!) and opening self to a new way of interacting with this world around me.
And now I am at a place where with the discipline of training for a half marathon, where sitting in meditation, where really listening to my heart centre will bring me to a place of wholeness, a place of wellness, a place where I feel complete. Sounds like a tall order, doesn’t it?
Well, there was a time when I didn’t think I would ever be able to run again and I have done a 14k.
This run is about freedom. This run is about every emotion you can imagine. This run is about ascension. This run is about every aspect of self.
Over the next few months I will be letting you know my progress on all fronts and I have no doubt that I will likely have a few emotional echoes pop up as well. But you know, I can say that I really have a vision of who I am coming to be and so I will just move into what I always have been. I just didn’t allow self to experience it previously.