I am feeling so odd these days. It is kind of like I have shed an a few layers of skin far too quickly, and am now standing with tender new flesh at the mercy of the elements. I feel the intensity of a light wind that has come up off the ocean, and it seems to just pierce every nerve ending. I feel the heat of each ray from the sun as it burns into me and the chill of night that seeps into the flesh making me wonder if I will ever be warm again. Yes, the extremes have been just that.
Transitioning. I know this is what is going on, but I don’t have to like it. It is an interesting experience to work through blockages and deal with traumas as the occur. I at times feel far too exposed and that everyone can just see right through me and oddly at times I feel somewhat fraudulent.
I know that may sound strange, but many of the issues that I have been dealing with as of late, and the approach that I am taking to them is new to me. So I am most definitely out of my comfort zone, not that I ever really had a comfort zone per se. What I had was what I was familiar with. There is a certain expectation to living within a mindset that confines and restricts. Separating self from this and expanding beyond that mindset has been at times delightfully frightening but oh, so liberating.
So when I happen upon a new challenge, when I begin to dissolve old patterns and open self to new possibilities, it feels very foreign to me. I feel at times like I am a size 12 trying to squeeze into a size 10. The fit somehow feels awkward. Then the notion hits that I never was a size 12 and that I always was a size 10. The other two sizes were simply an energetic padding so to speak. I don’t know if this is making any sense. I hope so.
Moving into this sense of self that is more complete and accepting has been quite the journey. I know many of you are going through similar experiences. How we grow as people. How we meet each new day and how we want to be seen and actually are seen. What matters most is what we reflect to this universe. Does the image that looks back correlate with who you are?
I was doing some writing last weekend. It seems I am always left wanting. Then it occurred to me to question why I felt this way. What did I not already have in my life that I needed to fill this void that seemingly was just laying open?
Truth be told there was nothing that I really needed. I have the love of family and friends. I myself possess a good and loving heart. So I began to think that perhaps my perception of what I want, or what I think I want and need may well be out of proportion. With this idea, I plan to make a list of all the things I think I want and all the things I think I need to make me the most pathetically and deliriously happy person on the planet then address them.
The other question too, do I was to be the most pathetically and deliriously happy person on this planet? Food for thought.
I just want to be. It really sounds simple, but man, the day that I can say that and know it to be truth will be the day I have arrived fully.
Keep the peace people.