Newsflash! I think I have grown up. I think I have reached that point in my life when I can say that I am a mature adult. Should I choose to accept this role, I want a clause in the contract or a waiver giving me the option to revert to childish behaviour should I so choose.
Growing up is not an easy task. I was watching a documentary last night that reenacted events that lead up to an incredibly shocking and sad outcome. I was 20 years old when the Jonestown incident occurred. There was footage of all the unrest going on at that time in our world. The backlash to a war that should never have occurred, the civil disobedience and the state trying to beat the youth at that time back into submission. There is at times shows that depict growing up in the 1960’s and 1970’s as being this fabulous and exciting time. I suppose for some it was. I recall an awful lot of anger during that time. I remember quite a bit of confusion as we actually tried to figure out just where we were going with this revolution thing, this peace thing, and this free love thing. Most of the time they seemed very contradictory in and of themselves.
There was a struggle going on with most voices never being heard. Last night I happened upon a series that is being reenacted about the debacle that was Jonestown, with surviving members, including Jim Jones son Stephan, adding their insight into the events of that time.
For me it took me back to the 20 year old girl who turned on the news when she got home from work and felt that deep chill and the hair rise up all over her body when she saw the images of 914 people lying dead in a field in what was being described as a mass murder/suicide down in South America. I hadn’t really paid much attention nor had I heard all that much about this fellow Jim Jones. And as the story unfolded, the sadness I felt for those who had died was immense.
As I stated earlier, that was a time of great unrest around the world. I understood to some degree how someone would want to believe, however blindly, in the vision that this man spun. I was desperately trying to find some sort of peace in my own life. I was an emotional mess. I wonder if I had come upon a cult such as that one back in the day if I would have followed it or if I was already too far over the edge and just completely reactive at that stage in my life. I think I had far too much anger in me to have followed this path but then I don’t know.
What is it that makes someone want to believe so strongly that they will deny all rational thought? At what point did many of them feel trapped with no way out? Being stuck in the middle of a jungle without any form of communication and the threat of violence should you oppose the exalted one as he continually fed you fear.
Koo laid laced with poison was fed to the children, others were fed drugs and if you tried to get away, you were shot dead. The horrific images of that day. In my mind I can hear the children screaming, the mothers sobbing. And the question that will forever go unanswered is why?
Sometimes I am amazed that I turned out to be the woman I have become. But on the same note I have come to accept that we all make choices. Each and every day that affect who we are. I could have held onto all the hurt that was given to me. I could have allowed the fear and anger to rule my thinking. I chose not to.
I found a power in forgiveness and through that a love that has always existed and is always there for all of us. And yes, there is still so many hurt and so many lost souls out there. All I can do is put out the love that I feel and hope that touches someone.
Have a great day everyone.