It is 1:53 AM on Saturday, Sept.22/12. I am alone. I don’t like this. It frightens me. So many things running through my head right now, and who to tell? All these fears as of late that have once again reared their ugly head, and again I must fend for myself. Oh, but to have someone tell me everything will be okay right about now.
And I keep hearing that this will make me stonger. Just work through it. What if I don’t want to be strong? What if I just want to break down and cry?
Most of what I am feeling right now is illogical. I know this. This is my home and yet it feels empty. Am I empty? I want, God you have no idea how much I want, and I don’t know how to find it. It just can’t be this hard, can it? Everyday now for a year or more I have put myself out to the universe with the mantra, ” I am here, and I love you.”
Please see me. Please want me. I have so much to give. So much to share.
I have now been up for 20 hours. Far too long. I should and I will just pack up and let sleep claim me, but at times the intensity of the thought process makes it difficult to sleep.
A guy in my writing group called me last Saturday and we chatted for a bit. He made a comment about what a strong woman I was.
I immediatley thought, “Really?”
I know on many levels I am strong. I know how to play the game in this world as a singular being. But my God, you have no idea how much I would love to have someone’s arms around me right about now telling me that it will all be okay.