I was in kind of an interesting frame of mind yesterday. Contemplating a lot of personal issues these days. Trying to understand why I still revert to old behaviour patterns that pop up seemingly out of no where without any thought as to their origins. I liken this mindset to someone telling me the sky is green and even though I know very well it is blue, I will try to accept that it is in fact green and that I am the one that has mistaken the colour of it all these years.
I want to believe in something so much that I will disregard the facts and red flags that are placed before me and bulldozed through all of this only to find in the end that I had in fact been correct. The sky is blue, not green. Why then do I find myself denying what I know to be truth, what I know to be fact and want to believe in something that is deceptive from the get go? Is it just learned behaviour? Is it just that girl from so long ago who didn’t want to see the truth of her life at that time because she found it just too painful to accept?
That’s the funny thing about this is that I do understand why I was like this, I just don’t get why at times I still conform to that line of thinking. The positive in all of this is that I do recognize when the grey matter malfunctions and I have to go in and play around with the some of the programming.
Considering all the applications that the Apple iPhone has, you would think there would be an app for that. But I guess that there is no way to re-write all the pathways in a manner that is quick and efficient. For our brains, it really is about trial and error. And yup, I have been getting the error message just a wee bit too much as of late. I should insert a ‘sigh’ right about now, but I won’t.
I gotta start thinking with my heart perhaps. This brain of mine keeps sending me mixed messages. So perhaps I should send the messages I am receiving straight to the heart of the matter and take it from there.
In any case, I do that I need to get more sleep. I know that I am not a pseudo-teenager anymore and that crawling into bed at 4:00 AM on a Sunday morning is going to felt the next day in some form or another. Here we are on Monday and I am still feeling a bit sleepy. Gotta have fun every once in a while though I suppose. And I did have fun. Now time to get back to the job at hand and try to make some sense of the numbers that are smiling up at me right now.
Happy Monday! Hope it’s a good one.