There has been this energy shift occurring as of late and I don’t know if it is just me….I am sure many others are feeling this as well. I would love to hear from you if indeed you are experiencing what I can only describe at the current moment as this odd friction. It’s like I want to go in one direction but am being pulled in-explicitly in another while a part of me really does want to head in this direction in the first place.
Did any of this make sense?
Decisions tend to become stalled and I know I have to get out of my head. I am spending far too much time in there these days. It’s not always conducive to good health to spend a lot of time wrapped up on the inner workings of where our thoughts come from and then try to adjust every damn one before it even has a chance to take flight. No, I am in there shooting them down like a good game of ‘Duck Hunt‘ or sending them back and telling them to try again. Now I am trying to find the off switch and just get the hell out of there.
Even in my meditations lately the hum and flow of the grey matter just keeps nattering away. One afternoon I decided ‘yes, I need to sit in just quiet meditation’. I went and got my cushion to sit on the floor then noticed some baby flies on the floor. I have a fly nest that produces a bunch of babies…most of them die and litter my floor. I will have to find a remedy for this. For a couple of weeks in August I have the floor littered with them around my base heater. This is the second year this as happened so it would seem that there is something up in them thar vents. In any case, I digress. I swept up the dead flies then went and sat down to do my meditation and well, my head was so wrapped up about these little flies and I found myself gazing down at the floor, looking over to where they begin their odd little trek to I suppose try and get outside?
I admonished myself then tried yet again to calm and quiet the mind…nope, not gonna happen.
That is what I mean by having something really irrelevant just slipping into my mind and refusing to leave.
I did quite a bit of writing this weekend. I was supposed to be editing and I did a little bit but the creative juices were begging for a chance to explode so yesterday I woke up at 6:00 AM. I had the day off as it was Labour Day. I rose then and put the coffee on. I had been editing a bit the day previous and now went back to it. By 7:00 AM I was itching to work on a new story that I am developing…so I finally gave way to it and spent the next seven hours pounding away at it and produced about twenty-eight pages of text, 8,975 words. Funny thing is, I would have liked to have kept going. But I had to do laundry and pick up some groceries and do a bit of cleaning around the place.
Still, when I am writing the world around me just seems to disappear and I am locked into the visions playing out in my head and transcribing them to text as fast as I possibly can. Over the last year while working on the memoir, this was at times really difficult because I was literally pulled back into an emotionally traumatic event and was now trying to purge it onto the page as swiftly as possible then just cutting away from it. At times I would just feel so exhausted. It has been an interesting experience and I am developing a certain ebb and flow with how I write.
I will surrender to the direction this energy is directing me toward. I have a feeling it is a good thing though perhaps unknown and that may be the issue. We don’t like the unknown do we? I know personally I will revert back to old behaviours as I usually can anticipate their outcome subconsciously and that is perhaps why I do this as it is familiar even though it may not be good for me…it is familiar. It is what I know. I have been breaking these barriers down as well. So I will just keep chipping away and toss myself delightfully into the unknown realms that I have not explored.
That’s the thing of it…I don’t want to think sometimes. I just want to feel, I just want to experience, I just want to live.
Best I get to it….
Have a good one.