I had a very introspective weekend. I faced some very hard facts and I can with all honesty that I have a clearer picture of what I need to do, and how I need to do it in order to continue to grow and expand as a person. Forgiveness and respect were the two things that have been on my mind these past few days. The forgiveness and respect in this case is for myself. I am typically far too hard myself. This past year and half has really been a monumental step in trying to really pull the sum of all my parts together. In doing so this fusion of self has resulted in echos of past behaviours coming to the fore and they need to be dealt with and laid to rest.
I spoke last week admitting that I was still the frightened girl from my youth. What I realized this weekend is that I had a choice. I could let the frightened girl once again claim me and allow myself to be swallowed up in her misery once again, or I could embrace her and allow her to be swallowed up by the smart, sensitive, kind and very strong woman who I have become. It was a very pivotal moment for me. And I chose the latter. I will not slide back into the echos of my past.
While I was having issues regarding being alone again, one thing I discovered on the weekend that has actually been very prominent in my writings and my self-awareness is that we are never alone. We are always connected to this world and everything in it. I think at times I have found the emotions that were suppressed for so long that were rising to the surface over this last year or so quite overwhelming and I think at times I tried to numb these feelings. Tried to avoid them. Instead I just have to let them go. Cut them away and release them and the memories that they hold.
And I see that now. I also need to respect myself. While some of these things that have moved through me have thrown me off-balance, I am now having a new understanding of my self-worth and what I need to do in order to be happy and healthy and at peace with my being. So there was a lot of forgiving of self and new respect that was being born this weekend. I will not indulge the things that slip forward from my past. I will simply assimilate and acknowledge then cut them away. So no, I am not that frightened girl of a lifetime ago. She is safe now in the woman I have become. No one can hurt her and no one can hurt me.
I have come a long way and I have so many roads that are opening before me. Every once in a while, I will likely head down a dead-end street…but there is always a lesson to be had and once it is learned it amazing how a new path will open.
I am here, in this moment and I am very much alive.
Enjoy your day.