Wasn’t easy getting out of bed this morning. As the clock pulled me back into the waking world I desperately tried to hang onto a dream of such sweet surrender. I reached across and hit the ‘snooze’ button then gazed at the other side of my bed. Empty. It has been for a very long time. I laid there in the early morning wanting to just curl up and hide. From what, I don’t know. But I slipped from my bed and made it to the gym.
It’s quite dark out now at 5:00 AM. Summer is beginning to fade a bit. Shadows are growing longer.
I started to think about this whole idea of being alone again. When I was younger, it was something I found intolerable and quite frightening. But then I had been discarded by one particular parent at an early age. I found myself having to support and provide myself when I was barely able to function in a rational and responsible manner. So I do understand why those fears existed. I think it really surprised me to have those fears echoing from my past once more, now that my daughter has moved out. I have been reassuring self that I am not that frightened young girl anymore. I have been convincing self of just how far I have come. I have been holding up all my achievements to self. And yet, I am still alone.
What I realized this morning, however, is that young girl is still very much a part of me and I really need to take the time to release the emotional components surrounding these issues. Once again, not something I anticipated having issues with still.
And you know, it’s funny. As much as I have been working on all of these various matters over the last few years in particular, there are many things that I just don’t know quite how to go about executing. For example, I really don’t know how to flirt with a guy that I am attracted to. Furthermore, I am a little clueless at times with picking up possible signals from the opposite sex as well.
Typically these days, should I meet someone who is interesting to me, I turn it into the Spanish Inquisition. I slap the guy into a chair, tie him up, throw a hot light over his head and insist he tell me everything about himself. I want details, dammit!
So yes, I need to take a subtler approach to the whole man/woman thing. And you know, I really don’t know where this rather intense and at times aggressive behaviour of mine came from either.
I am trying now to become the mysterious woman. So far that has not been overly successful, but then again perhaps I have been too successful, in that no one is aware that I am actually a mystery. I tend to be far too obvious when I am attracted to someone as well. So I am really working on my ‘behaviour modifications’ so to speak. It has always just been such an awkward thing for me.
I know I will deal with this matter of being alone. Sometimes it is felt more than others. Sometimes I wish the phone would ring more. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel quite so invisible. And perhaps that’s why I have a tendency to dance about a room going, ‘Pick me! Pick me’ because I want to be seen and I want to matter. I will continue reconciling these issues though as they arise.
People always tell me that someone will just show up in my life without me even looking. It will just happen. I hope so.
In any case, I will move forward and as always this too will pass.
Thanks for stopping by and enjoy your day.