Alone


Wasn’t easy getting out of bed this morning.  As the clock pulled me back into the waking world I desperately tried to hang onto a dream of such sweet surrender.  I reached across and hit the ‘snooze’ button then gazed at the other side of my bed.  Empty.  It has been for a very long time.  I laid there in the early morning wanting to just curl up and hide.  From what, I don’t know.  But I slipped from my bed and made it to the gym.

It’s quite dark out now at 5:00 AM.   Summer is beginning to fade a bit.  Shadows are growing longer.

I started to think about this whole idea of being alone again.  When I was younger, it was something I found intolerable and quite frightening.  But then I had been discarded by one particular parent at an early age.  I found myself having to support and provide myself when I was barely able to function in a rational and responsible manner.  So I do understand why those fears existed.  I think it really surprised me to have those fears echoing from my past once more, now that my daughter has moved out.  I have been reassuring self that I am not that frightened young girl anymore.  I have been convincing self of just how far I have come.  I have been holding up all my achievements to self.  And yet, I am still alone.

What I realized this morning, however, is that young girl is still very much a part of me and I really need to take the time to release the emotional components surrounding these issues.  Once again, not something I anticipated having issues with still.

And you know, it’s funny.  As much as I have been working on all of these various matters over the last few years in particular,  there are many things that I just don’t know quite how to go about executing.  For example, I really don’t know how to flirt with a guy that I am attracted to.  Furthermore, I am a little clueless at times with picking up possible signals from the opposite sex as well.

Typically these days, should I meet someone who is interesting to me, I turn it into the Spanish Inquisition.  I slap the guy into a chair, tie him up, throw a hot light over his head and insist he tell me everything about himself.  I want details, dammit!

So yes, I need to take a subtler approach to the whole man/woman thing.  And you know, I really don’t know where this rather intense and at times aggressive behaviour of mine came from either.

I am trying now to become the mysterious woman.  So far that has not been overly successful, but then again perhaps I have been too successful, in that no one is aware that I am actually a mystery.  I tend to be far too obvious when I am attracted to someone as well.  So I am really working on my ‘behaviour modifications’ so to speak.  It has always just been such an awkward thing for me.

I know I will deal with this matter of being alone.  Sometimes it is felt more than others.  Sometimes I wish the phone would ring more.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel quite so invisible.  And perhaps that’s why I have a tendency to dance about a room going, ‘Pick me! Pick me’ because I want to be seen and I want to matter.  I will continue reconciling these issues though as they arise.

People always tell me that someone will just show up in my life without me even looking.  It will just happen.  I hope so.

In any case, I will move forward and as always this too will pass.

Thanks for stopping by and enjoy your day.

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